Our one year anniversary is coming up in just over a month. In a way, the time has flown by and I'm saying "a year already?" But when I think about things in the beginning, when we were dating (almost two years ago!), they seem like forever ago. I feel like I've known this person forever. I like him a lot. He's really sweet and very cute :)
Jeff and I have both scheduled time off of work, giving us a nice 5 day weekend! - our anniversary being on a Monday. We have also made arrangements to stay at the very posh Little America hotel downtown for just one night (it's a bit pricey). This probably isn't the most pratical way to spend money, but after making the reservation and deciding that we would do it, I was so excited! It feels like not the most practical but perhaps the best way to spend some extra money I earned around Christmas time.
I think it's important to do fun things. I think it's important to celebrate things like birthdays, anniversaries, holidays, accomplishments, etc. I've been raised (sure, I'll blame the folks- well, one of them at least) to be very practical and responsible. I think it's part of my own nature as well. It's been a good thing. I've always (almost) made good choices and accomplished some things I might not have had I been more care free. But it's also been a bad thing. It's like I don't think I deserve the fun things, the frivolity (perhaps I should try to use that word in every post from now on!). This seriousness and inability to be... well, relaxed about much of anything, takes it's toll, even on my relationship with Jeff and our marriage- the one thing I value more than anything in my life. It's hard even to love or be loved when everything comes with such rigidity.
Well, this was supposed to be a happy post not about all my psychological hangups! And that's my point. I feel very happy and excited that my hubby and I are taking the time and even some hard earned money to do something fun to celebrate us! I can't wait and I'm going to relish that 21 hours in a hotel room for everything it's worth. It's already doing me a world of good!
Friday, February 08, 2008
Thursday, February 07, 2008
Super Tuesday
My ninth grade geography/U.S. government teacher was the cheerleading coach. I respect cheerleading as a sport and our school even went to the national championship thing two or three times while I was in high school and won 1st or 3rd or pretty high place once. However, I remember my freshman year, my teacher repeatedly stopping class to discuss markers, posters, and fund raisers with that year's head cheerleader. I don't suppose we, the students, cared much. But now??? I know NOTHING of politics, government, etc. The most I learned of it was my junior year when my sweet old physics teacher let us watch the presidential debates in class!
So, what was super Tuesday? I thought it had something to do with the Super Bowl (just kidding, but for all I know, it could have!). I know they had primary elections. I thought it was to decide for sure who's running for president. But, trying to read about it? Trying to inform and educate myself? I was going to say, the best I could find was what Hillary thinks of Obama or Romney thinks of himself, but I don't think I even got that much information! I have been able to read quite a bit about Romney's personal life, which I DO think is important in politics, but not really anything about the issues and where he stands and what he's going to do. And finding out who "won" on Wednesday? There seemed to be even less!
Speaking of issues, do I even know what the President does? I could probably list the five or so positions he/she holds- like Commander in Chief, etc. But what I DO remember learning in government class made me think that the president, while having all these responsibilities, can't really DO anything. The senate has to pass any legislation. The courts decide if it's fair. That whole checks and balances thing made me think the president couldn't really do much more than make suggestions. But, that hardly seems true.
As for issues, what about the war? I try to read up on that too and I can't follow anything. Perhaps I'm not as smart and educated as I like to think. But really! So much of what I read, I don't even know if it's true or not. The only thing I do understand is that if I'm a woman, I'm supposed to vote for Hillary, if I'm black for Obama, and if Mormon for Mitt. But what if I were a black woman or I am a Mormon woman? What then! And I read that if you registered... wait, how'd it go? If you registered as a Democrat you could vote for anyone, but if you registered as a Republican, you could only vote Republican? Or you could only vote Republican if you registered as one? I don't know! It's all so confusing.
The thing is, I do think I'm a smart person. So, of all these people voting, does anyone really know anything? That's scary.
So, what was super Tuesday? I thought it had something to do with the Super Bowl (just kidding, but for all I know, it could have!). I know they had primary elections. I thought it was to decide for sure who's running for president. But, trying to read about it? Trying to inform and educate myself? I was going to say, the best I could find was what Hillary thinks of Obama or Romney thinks of himself, but I don't think I even got that much information! I have been able to read quite a bit about Romney's personal life, which I DO think is important in politics, but not really anything about the issues and where he stands and what he's going to do. And finding out who "won" on Wednesday? There seemed to be even less!
Speaking of issues, do I even know what the President does? I could probably list the five or so positions he/she holds- like Commander in Chief, etc. But what I DO remember learning in government class made me think that the president, while having all these responsibilities, can't really DO anything. The senate has to pass any legislation. The courts decide if it's fair. That whole checks and balances thing made me think the president couldn't really do much more than make suggestions. But, that hardly seems true.
As for issues, what about the war? I try to read up on that too and I can't follow anything. Perhaps I'm not as smart and educated as I like to think. But really! So much of what I read, I don't even know if it's true or not. The only thing I do understand is that if I'm a woman, I'm supposed to vote for Hillary, if I'm black for Obama, and if Mormon for Mitt. But what if I were a black woman or I am a Mormon woman? What then! And I read that if you registered... wait, how'd it go? If you registered as a Democrat you could vote for anyone, but if you registered as a Republican, you could only vote Republican? Or you could only vote Republican if you registered as one? I don't know! It's all so confusing.
The thing is, I do think I'm a smart person. So, of all these people voting, does anyone really know anything? That's scary.
Tuesday, February 05, 2008
FEAR
When I physically get up high, logically I'm pretty sure that I'm not going to suddenly lunge over the railing and fall the one or two stories to my painful death in the mall (or something similar). It's not really a brain reaction. It's not something going on in my mind. But physically, I FEEL myself falling. I FEEL dizzy and weak in the knees. My mind can set up barriers to protect me- a pattern on the floor, a bench between me and the ledge- as long as I don't cross these, I'll be safe.
I'm a high stress, anxiety ridden person. Sometimes, I think it's not in my mind. I FEEL myself failing. I FEEL dizzy and weak. Unfortunately, my mind doesn't set up protective barriers quite so easily for this. I don't know that I'm not going to fall to my death. In fact, I'm pretty sure that I will. There are no benches or patterns to protect me. Sure, I try some things- a good attitude, exercise, breathing... but it goes too far and doesn't help. I avoid people. I don't let them close to me. I apologize profusely. I'm mean to myself as if recognizing my own flaws first will prevent anyone else from seeing them or being too mean about them.
Because it seems like it's all in my head, it seems like I should be able to control it. But recognizing that it's more physical than mental, emotional, or spiritual, somehow helps.
I'm a high stress, anxiety ridden person. Sometimes, I think it's not in my mind. I FEEL myself failing. I FEEL dizzy and weak. Unfortunately, my mind doesn't set up protective barriers quite so easily for this. I don't know that I'm not going to fall to my death. In fact, I'm pretty sure that I will. There are no benches or patterns to protect me. Sure, I try some things- a good attitude, exercise, breathing... but it goes too far and doesn't help. I avoid people. I don't let them close to me. I apologize profusely. I'm mean to myself as if recognizing my own flaws first will prevent anyone else from seeing them or being too mean about them.
Because it seems like it's all in my head, it seems like I should be able to control it. But recognizing that it's more physical than mental, emotional, or spiritual, somehow helps.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)