Important Discoveries

This moment is as it should be because the universe is as it should be,
Which means I am able to create a response
With no need to defend myself
And my desires will bloom.

A fish doesn't try to swim, it just swims.
A flower doesn't try to bloom, it just blooms.

I have been studying a book mom loaned me by Deepak Chopra. As far as I know, it is an eastern almost Taoist or Buddhist way of thinking. It presents 7 laws for success. I have been trying to focus on one each week. This week's lesson I have summarized for myself above.
When you are established in the knowledge of your true self, you can just be, like the fish and flowers.

As I read and wrote tonight, it all felt so clear. I am not here by accident. Everything in my life has led up to this and it's as it should be because the universe is as it should be. If that is true, it doesn't matter what my past is, I am responsible (able to respond- how's that for a definition!?) to create my future.

Last Sunday I went to church with Mom and Dad. A woman I knew there asked if I was still teaching at the college. When I explained what had happened and that I was no longer there, she asked if I miss it. I said yes and that I sometimes think about getting my teaching license so I could be a teacher at high school or junior high. She is a teacher, turns out in elementary, and simply said "well, come spend a day with me first" then explained that she puts in 60 hours a week then goes home and does homework and is looking forward to retirement. Somehow talking to her felt like one of the answers I went for. I even felt a certain relief as if someone was giving me permission to not want that anymore.
A day or two later, I read in the paper about the teacher shortage here. It was online so I was also able to read reader's comments and a few actually sounded intelligent. I wondered, if someone offered me to walk in a classroom and be a teacher at the end of August if I would take it. No. Perhaps that's more of a fear response and a feeling of not being prepared. But I think, at least for this week, I've found something.
Tonight as I pondered my reading, I realized something. I decided to be a mathematician, not a teacher, when I started college. I have already made that decision. I don't need to make it again now or every time I get bored or confused or want to do more with my life. I decided to be a mathematician. Now, let that decision bloom.

Marriage

I drove home yesterday thinking about marriage and things people at work had to say yesterday. Jeff and I have been married for almost a year and a half already. That means we've been together everyday for almost two and a half years. I really do feel like it just keeps getting better... debt, job loss, and all. We've had a few pretty big fights. I've wondered, and I'm pretty sure he has too, if this is even gonna work or if we did the right thing. I know we've both said things that hurt each other. But over all, I love being married. I love going home and having him there. I love that he calls me during the day, sometimes just to tell me about the game he's playing. I love that when he was working grave yards he wanted me to call him as soon as I woke up; I even love that he sometimes couldn't wait to talk to me and would call me earlier than I wanted to wake up. I love being home with him and just going to the movie rental store. I love his smile and the way he holds me. He really is my best friend and, even though I felt like we were friends before lovers, I feel like the best friend thing has grown over time.
I can't imagine ever feeling, as in a general sense of being and not just having a bad day, that marriage is negative or that we generally annoy each other or that I could stand with people and actually make jokes about this and tell a newly wed to just wait, it'll get worse. Perhaps that's my naiviety? Maybe it's because I haven't reached that 3, 5 or 7 year mark?
But I was thinking as I drove home yesterday and it seems like the people who make the jokes and say negative things don't have that friendship thing. They have friends and they have a husband and sometimes they all socialize, but the spouse seems to be... like a separate thing. It kind of makes me think of friends in high school when the boyfriend just played a particular role. Did some people just never get past that? You know how some girls say they'd never let a guy come between them and their gal pals? Maybe it's not nice of me, but I never bought that. I thought "but when you find the right guy, the guy you're going to build your life with, he's got to come before the silly girlfriends and girl's night etc."
Jeff's the one I want to talk to about things. He's the one I want advice from, even when it's advice about "our relationship." I feel like if I can't talk to him about it, I probably shouldn't be talking about it. Not that I don't want and need other people's perspective sometimes or even to just blow off steam. But...
I guess I'm just saying I feel very connected to this person and the more time goes on, the more connected I feel. It's like I've given myself completely to this person and I feel totally comfortable with him only to wake up the next day and feel like I have more to give and share and things are even more comfortable and close. And if that's the way it's going, how can it ever turn into something you joke about at the office?
This gives me hope. I hope it's the friendship we have, the closeness we share, that will continue to grow and keep us strong and happy.

They're raining on me and not in a good way

I'm sitting at work... I just have to get through 10 more minutes... listening to all the people at the end of our area talking about how bad marriage is.
"I'll give you two years, but by year three... " they say to the girl who's not been married for six months yet.
"Five years is the line," says another.
"They say it's seven, but five is where it goes down hill."
Is this really what I have to look forward to?

I've decided in the last few days that Jeff and I should just pack up our stuff and head for Alaska. We can figure it out when we get there. If I had any room on a credit card or any sort of savings, I might just be serious.