Last night I lay in bed going through all the things I don't admit about myself. Things that have happened, thoughts that I've had, things that I've done. I'm not an honest person with myself. I would argue that honest is a bit heavy of a word, it's more like I'm censored- even in my own thoughts and views of myself. I'm always trying to do the right thing, think the right way, say the right thing in the right way.
At first it was too uncomfortable to look at some things- I wanted to pray, "can't you just change it? make it so it never happened?" But then I found myself saying, no. Look at it. This is you, this is your life, just own it.
I don't mean to sound melodramatic or like I have these big secrets I'm hiding (see, here I go, explaining myself, editing, "it's not so bad"- but it's really not). But this felt like a life changing moment to me. No more hiding. No more faking it. No more appearances.
I started to think of how I was in high school, the things I did and didn't do. I realize that I was trying to be invisible. Even the ways I chose to step into my own sort of spotlight, were, in a sense, calculated to hide me. Get the good grades, hang with the right people, take a chance and join the club. Still just hiding.
I thought of who my husband is to me, what he does for me and imagined what it would have been like if I would have dated him in high school, if I would have had that friend. Things would have been different. I would have been different.
My mom has told me that you can go back and in your mind reset an event, change what happened in your mind, act it out the way you wish it would have happened, in order to change your perception of it. This kind of happened last night. By thinking of having someone there for me, someone that made it safe to admit everything that was around me and in me and I was going through, and seeing that I could have been different, made it feel possible to be different now. And the thing is, it's not different like change yourself and get a make over. It's different as in now I can be real. Now I don't have to be "different" than who I am.
Friday, June 29, 2007
Wednesday, June 27, 2007
The Sun Will Come Out Tomorrow?
My mother has said that she is a completely different person now than she was twenty years ago. We change as we grow through life. Sure, we may basically be the same person- morals, values, whatever. Even the same personality. My mother, to me, is the same as she's been my whole life. But maybe that's not HER, that's our relationship.
Anyway, I just wonder why I worry so much about planning everything exactly right, when I know it's all going to be different anyway. Even who I am. I'm a lot different than I was five or ten years ago and definitely different than I was in high school. I feel like I'm trying to make decisions and plans now to last my whole life, when really, when I get there, it's going to be... who knows what?
So probably the wisest thing is to look at where I am. What needs to happen at this time in my life? What is happening and what should I enjoy and do and be? It's always good to look forward and be aware of the future, plan ahead a bit. But I do get too caught up, TOO FAR AHEAD of myself.
Sometimes I kind of wish I wasn't a smart person. I don't often feel smart, but I feel labeled that way. Maybe it would be nice to not have a college degree I feel compelled to live up to. Maybe it would be nice to realize that I'll never make more money than x-dollars so I don't have to worry about it. I don't have to feel like I HAVE to. I always feel like I need to be doing more, that where I'm at isn't enough, that I have to have all the answers and not make any mistakes.
Anyway, I just wonder why I worry so much about planning everything exactly right, when I know it's all going to be different anyway. Even who I am. I'm a lot different than I was five or ten years ago and definitely different than I was in high school. I feel like I'm trying to make decisions and plans now to last my whole life, when really, when I get there, it's going to be... who knows what?
So probably the wisest thing is to look at where I am. What needs to happen at this time in my life? What is happening and what should I enjoy and do and be? It's always good to look forward and be aware of the future, plan ahead a bit. But I do get too caught up, TOO FAR AHEAD of myself.
Sometimes I kind of wish I wasn't a smart person. I don't often feel smart, but I feel labeled that way. Maybe it would be nice to not have a college degree I feel compelled to live up to. Maybe it would be nice to realize that I'll never make more money than x-dollars so I don't have to worry about it. I don't have to feel like I HAVE to. I always feel like I need to be doing more, that where I'm at isn't enough, that I have to have all the answers and not make any mistakes.
Tuesday, June 26, 2007
Selfish
I have been reading "Fountainhead" by Ayn Rand and it is so thought provoking. I don't feel smart enough to talk about it but it is definitely one that needs discussion.
Last night I read a part where a guy was saying how hard it is to do what we truly want to do. He had been very successful and popular within his field but was always doing it to impress somebody. He walked away from the one or two things he ever truly wanted.
A couple other characters had quite a discussion about what it means to be selfish. One guy used an example of someone who does what everyone else expects and people think he's selfish and self absorbed because he does it all for the fame and glory of it. But, this character points out, there is no self in that. It's not an expression of him so in fact it is very self less. He kinda talked about the rightness of being selfish- of doing in fact what we want to do.
A few weeks back, I determined, again, that I want to be a teacher. It really has felt for the first time since I got out of high school like there's nothing inside holding me back- no fear, no rationalizing, no divided paths and wondering what else I could do. Today I got an email about a scholarship thing I was looking into- they'll pay people to go to school to become math teachers if they are willing to teach in rural areas, where it's hard to get people to come. It sounds perfect. I'd love to live in a small town and be a math teacher. The email said they have nothing to offer me right now. The school I've been looking into is an online thing and I get about a million emails a day from them. I finally responded to one last week asking some financial questions and I have not heard back. It's very discouraging.
But, in the last couple weeks, I also read an article on the internet about how bad it is for women to put off having babies for too long. This is not something I thought I would do. When I was sixteen, I probably thought I'd have ten kids by this age! But with the reality of it here, looking at me and my husband and where we're at, having them very soon doesn't seem even possible. The article scared me though. This was the day I looked over at Mel's blog and was happily reminded of what it is I really want to be doing. I've been thinking a lot of babies in the last week.
This makes me think of schooling- my own and teaching- and wonder if it even makes sense to take on student teaching and my first year of teaching with morning sickness. And is it wise to take on more debt right when I'd want to be quitting work to be home with the babies? Wouldn't that insure it as an impossibility-being able to be home with them? Perhaps the wise choice would be to keep plugging along at my work- we at least aren't going into MORE debt, even if the rise out is slow.
The frustrating thing is, to those of you who know me and have talked really personally with me over the years, it sounds like the same old indecisive me and I HATE that! But it FEELS so different. I don't feel like I"m making excuses or trying to out guess the future etc like I always do and it's the way I think. I feel like I'm really trying to come to some conclusions. I'm really trying to make some good, right and smart choices. And even more frustrating, as usual, is that I would even care what it looks like to anyone else- like I'm bugging people by my same old talking. And even more frustrating than that is, WHAT I WANT!
I read the book last night and I feel a stirring inside. I feel like I'm a smart person, that I can "get" what this philosophy is trying to tell me. I'm not just another run of the mill person who's going to be happy in my mundane life because I don't know any better. I AM BETTER THAN THAT! I am capable of doing exactly what I want. I'm even, despite my actions to the contrary, capable of knowing what I want. And I feel, like the book says, it's the hardest thing in the world to be truly selfish and do exactly what you want.
And then there's this other person. The love of my life, my best friend, the guy I want to spend my whole life and forever with and share everything with. Falling in love was so easy. Getting married and committing myself to him was so easy. But now what? And how do we make OUR life out of his and mine? I sometimes find myself afraid of talking about what I want with him, because if he says no, it almost feels more definite than if God says it. I don't want to be afraid of him. I don't want to hold back because of all my stupid insecurities. But that's not really the point... It's just that it's not just me anymore. There are two of us and more to come and how do I assert myself, something I've never been capable of anyway, and take into account all that he is? I can't go to Alaska and raise sled dogs if he's allergic to snow.
Last night I read a part where a guy was saying how hard it is to do what we truly want to do. He had been very successful and popular within his field but was always doing it to impress somebody. He walked away from the one or two things he ever truly wanted.
A couple other characters had quite a discussion about what it means to be selfish. One guy used an example of someone who does what everyone else expects and people think he's selfish and self absorbed because he does it all for the fame and glory of it. But, this character points out, there is no self in that. It's not an expression of him so in fact it is very self less. He kinda talked about the rightness of being selfish- of doing in fact what we want to do.
A few weeks back, I determined, again, that I want to be a teacher. It really has felt for the first time since I got out of high school like there's nothing inside holding me back- no fear, no rationalizing, no divided paths and wondering what else I could do. Today I got an email about a scholarship thing I was looking into- they'll pay people to go to school to become math teachers if they are willing to teach in rural areas, where it's hard to get people to come. It sounds perfect. I'd love to live in a small town and be a math teacher. The email said they have nothing to offer me right now. The school I've been looking into is an online thing and I get about a million emails a day from them. I finally responded to one last week asking some financial questions and I have not heard back. It's very discouraging.
But, in the last couple weeks, I also read an article on the internet about how bad it is for women to put off having babies for too long. This is not something I thought I would do. When I was sixteen, I probably thought I'd have ten kids by this age! But with the reality of it here, looking at me and my husband and where we're at, having them very soon doesn't seem even possible. The article scared me though. This was the day I looked over at Mel's blog and was happily reminded of what it is I really want to be doing. I've been thinking a lot of babies in the last week.
This makes me think of schooling- my own and teaching- and wonder if it even makes sense to take on student teaching and my first year of teaching with morning sickness. And is it wise to take on more debt right when I'd want to be quitting work to be home with the babies? Wouldn't that insure it as an impossibility-being able to be home with them? Perhaps the wise choice would be to keep plugging along at my work- we at least aren't going into MORE debt, even if the rise out is slow.
The frustrating thing is, to those of you who know me and have talked really personally with me over the years, it sounds like the same old indecisive me and I HATE that! But it FEELS so different. I don't feel like I"m making excuses or trying to out guess the future etc like I always do and it's the way I think. I feel like I'm really trying to come to some conclusions. I'm really trying to make some good, right and smart choices. And even more frustrating, as usual, is that I would even care what it looks like to anyone else- like I'm bugging people by my same old talking. And even more frustrating than that is, WHAT I WANT!
I read the book last night and I feel a stirring inside. I feel like I'm a smart person, that I can "get" what this philosophy is trying to tell me. I'm not just another run of the mill person who's going to be happy in my mundane life because I don't know any better. I AM BETTER THAN THAT! I am capable of doing exactly what I want. I'm even, despite my actions to the contrary, capable of knowing what I want. And I feel, like the book says, it's the hardest thing in the world to be truly selfish and do exactly what you want.
And then there's this other person. The love of my life, my best friend, the guy I want to spend my whole life and forever with and share everything with. Falling in love was so easy. Getting married and committing myself to him was so easy. But now what? And how do we make OUR life out of his and mine? I sometimes find myself afraid of talking about what I want with him, because if he says no, it almost feels more definite than if God says it. I don't want to be afraid of him. I don't want to hold back because of all my stupid insecurities. But that's not really the point... It's just that it's not just me anymore. There are two of us and more to come and how do I assert myself, something I've never been capable of anyway, and take into account all that he is? I can't go to Alaska and raise sled dogs if he's allergic to snow.
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