We are now the proud owners of all five available seasons of Smallville. When I used to watch the show on t.v., my "girl crush" would have been on Chloe. She was spunky and smart and had her own fashion sense. It kind of bugged me that Clark's main interest was Lana, the pretty, soft spoken cheerleader who seemed so typical of what girls are supposed to be. Watching marathons of the show now, I "crush" more on Lana. Somehow I'm relating to her more.
In one episode, there is a love potion that the cheerleaders are using to "keep their jocks in line." Somehow Chloe gets some and she goes haywire over Clark. The potion makes it so whoever drinks it will do anything for the one they love. In one scene, Chloe wears a cheerleader uniform and is being all cutesy for Clark. In another, she is trying to be seductive.
For as cute as Chloe is, for as nothing wrong with her as there is, this look, this style, this way of acting, just didn't fit. The actress looked cute and I'm sure she could pull off the cheerleading character in another show, but the character of Chloe didn't fit. In the seductive scene, she is wearing Clark's football jersey and, I think, the look is incredibly cute and sexy. But when she starts behaving like the seductress, it almost makes me laugh.
I don't really have girl crushes on anyone. But in a way, that's what it is. When I watch t.v. shows and movies, I'm looking for role models or heros or to relate to the female characters. It's been good for me to watch Smallville because here are two completely different girls, but they are both the "hotties" of the show. It all depends on personal style and taste- for the individual as well as for the guys we think we are trying to attract. It was good to see Chloe trying to behave more like what we think we're supposed to be and see that it just doesn't fit. But, when she is just being her unique self, she is completely adorable.
Jeff and I went shopping last weekend to get some needed apparel for our trip to Hawaii. It was so much fun. We've never done that before and it was fun to share and experience that side of each other. We were looking for shorts for him, in the men's department, when I found a pair I wanted for me. I haven't worn men's shorts since high school and felt like I was reverting back to a style I tried so hard to "improve" on or even let go of. I can't actually imagine a guy wearing this pair of shorts, but I couldn't stand there with the love of my life- the guy who's supposed to think I'm cute/sexy/pretty... all those things... and say I wanted to buy a pair of guy's shorts- that's not cute/sexy/pretty... all those things. But I could see them looking so cute with the right top and I did say it to him. I went and tried them on and they were cute. Not cute in a Lana Lang, Miss USA, or even Chloe way. They were cute in a JoAnna way.
I told Jeff at some point that I feel out of touch with myself. I don't even know what I like lately. He said it's because I keep trying too hard to please other people or even change for what I think he wants. Later, standing in line, we were talking and he told me of the kind of girls he liked in high school- what they wore and what they were like. I felt like he could have been describing me. It was such a good, eye-opening thing for me! I told him what I always think he'd be attracted to and he seemed confused, maybe even offended, that that's what I think he would like. I told him of how I've tried to change since high school and he told me what he likes about me that shouldn't change. I don't know how I think- it's like I believe he fell in love with me, but he'd probably love me more if I was a little more this, a little less that... how sad that I would treat myself that way.
Tuesday, March 20, 2007
Friday, March 16, 2007
Countdown
I'm down to one week until my wedding's eve. Can you believe it!? Last June it seemed too far away and now...
Things are going smoothly, I think. I sometimes feel overwhelmed, but when I can stop and enjoy it for a moment, everything feels fine.
Yesterday we went and picked out Jeff's tux. It is going to be so cool. Different than what I imagined, but what do I know about tuxedos? A bit different than traditional, but very very classy. While he was being measured etc, I found a tie I wanted for our dads. I thought it would be nice to have the dads in matching ties, especially since mine will be walking me down the aisle and his will be officiating. The ties are light blue with a kind of flowered print, but not floral at all. It almost looks like someone carved flowers into stone tiles, but very soft. If you're fortunate to be one of the few at the wedding :) be sure to notice! I'll let the tux be a surprise.
The day or two before that, we went to pick up our rings. Mine had to be sized and Jeff's was on special order because the metal goes all around the ring and they can't size it at the store. When we got there, they couldn't find Jeff's. We waited for five minutes or more before they finally found the paper work and told us it wouldn't be ready for another week. What!? I panicked, forgetting that was still enough time, but really, why tell us a date it would be ready if it wasn't going to be there?
We also got our marriage license, which was a lot easier than I expected. Tonight I go try on my dress for the last time to make sure everything is going to work and then, I think we take it home.
I feel like these are big things to get done and finished. They make everything feel like it's really happening. It's exciting!
Things are going smoothly, I think. I sometimes feel overwhelmed, but when I can stop and enjoy it for a moment, everything feels fine.
Yesterday we went and picked out Jeff's tux. It is going to be so cool. Different than what I imagined, but what do I know about tuxedos? A bit different than traditional, but very very classy. While he was being measured etc, I found a tie I wanted for our dads. I thought it would be nice to have the dads in matching ties, especially since mine will be walking me down the aisle and his will be officiating. The ties are light blue with a kind of flowered print, but not floral at all. It almost looks like someone carved flowers into stone tiles, but very soft. If you're fortunate to be one of the few at the wedding :) be sure to notice! I'll let the tux be a surprise.
The day or two before that, we went to pick up our rings. Mine had to be sized and Jeff's was on special order because the metal goes all around the ring and they can't size it at the store. When we got there, they couldn't find Jeff's. We waited for five minutes or more before they finally found the paper work and told us it wouldn't be ready for another week. What!? I panicked, forgetting that was still enough time, but really, why tell us a date it would be ready if it wasn't going to be there?
We also got our marriage license, which was a lot easier than I expected. Tonight I go try on my dress for the last time to make sure everything is going to work and then, I think we take it home.
I feel like these are big things to get done and finished. They make everything feel like it's really happening. It's exciting!
Friday, March 09, 2007
Because I Have To
So I had some time this morning and was typing about the same old stuff but in a somewhat different light, but I didn't get anywhere and deleted it all. I had a work lunch meeting and as I was sitting there, it dawned on me... the answer: because I think I have to.
The question:
I told Jeff today that I still find myself worrying (it's more like fretting actually) that we'll offend people by who we have and haven't invited to our wedding. He asked why I care so much what people think. Not a new question. I've been bothered by that for a long time.
I think I'm a people pleaser because I'm generally a nice person and just want people to feel good and be happy. To go a bit deeper and be more selfish, it is a kind of defense. I'm trying to avoid conflict. I've psycho analyzed that to death. Even deeper, I'm afraid of disapproval. That gets a bit trickier to figure out. Why would it hurt me so much to have people disapprove of me when objectively I don't even respect many people's opinions?
But sitting in my meeting today, for some reason, it was so simple. I worry what people think because I think I have to. I try to please people, putting my own feelings, needs, opinions aside, because I think I have to. It's like it's hard wired. I've always thought if I talked and thought and analyzed it enough, I'd work out some deep emotional trauma and THEN I could get over it. It hasn't worked. Perhaps realizing that it's simply a trained response will help.
Yesterday Jeff asked me a question and I knew the answer was "Yes! Definitely!" What actually came out of my mouth was "Well, kind of." I'm not afraid of him. I wasn't too afraid of the topic. It's just the way I talk. It got me thinking that maybe I just need to talk differently. It's not a deep psychological issue (well, that could be where things come from, but to change it...) it's just a behavior. Perhaps if I changed some behaviors some of the psychology would change with it. (Where was I in psych101?).
I need to say "yes definitely" more often and try to get rid of the "well kind of."
I go into a store to look at flowers for my wedding and I start apologizing and explaining and feeling pressured and stressing out and trying to think of what the sales person wants at my wedding... because I have to act that way. I worry about what the woman at work that I think is not a nice person and isn't pretty and only kind of dresses well will think of what I'm wearing... because I have to think that way. I answer with "maybe kind of, well ho hum"... because I have to. I feel stupid and make mistakes when talking to people at work... because...somehow!... I think I have to.
Isn't that weird?
The question:
I told Jeff today that I still find myself worrying (it's more like fretting actually) that we'll offend people by who we have and haven't invited to our wedding. He asked why I care so much what people think. Not a new question. I've been bothered by that for a long time.
I think I'm a people pleaser because I'm generally a nice person and just want people to feel good and be happy. To go a bit deeper and be more selfish, it is a kind of defense. I'm trying to avoid conflict. I've psycho analyzed that to death. Even deeper, I'm afraid of disapproval. That gets a bit trickier to figure out. Why would it hurt me so much to have people disapprove of me when objectively I don't even respect many people's opinions?
But sitting in my meeting today, for some reason, it was so simple. I worry what people think because I think I have to. I try to please people, putting my own feelings, needs, opinions aside, because I think I have to. It's like it's hard wired. I've always thought if I talked and thought and analyzed it enough, I'd work out some deep emotional trauma and THEN I could get over it. It hasn't worked. Perhaps realizing that it's simply a trained response will help.
Yesterday Jeff asked me a question and I knew the answer was "Yes! Definitely!" What actually came out of my mouth was "Well, kind of." I'm not afraid of him. I wasn't too afraid of the topic. It's just the way I talk. It got me thinking that maybe I just need to talk differently. It's not a deep psychological issue (well, that could be where things come from, but to change it...) it's just a behavior. Perhaps if I changed some behaviors some of the psychology would change with it. (Where was I in psych101?).
I need to say "yes definitely" more often and try to get rid of the "well kind of."
I go into a store to look at flowers for my wedding and I start apologizing and explaining and feeling pressured and stressing out and trying to think of what the sales person wants at my wedding... because I have to act that way. I worry about what the woman at work that I think is not a nice person and isn't pretty and only kind of dresses well will think of what I'm wearing... because I have to think that way. I answer with "maybe kind of, well ho hum"... because I have to. I feel stupid and make mistakes when talking to people at work... because...somehow!... I think I have to.
Isn't that weird?
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