Getting Orientated

Last Thursday, I went to orientation at the U with Khrys. It was a significant day for her and I was glad she asked me to accompany her. I've always wanted/felt a need to be a good example for Khrys, James and Gina and college is something I really wanted them to know was a great thing. And it was really fun taking my baby with us. Education is something I want my children to value.

Selfishly, I was also excited to be there for me. I wanted in some way to reconnect with myself. Being at the U was some of the greatest time in my life. I found myself. I found confidence. I realized that I liked myself. I just wanted to go back and remember some of the feelings I had while I was there to give me strength in my new life.
As we sat at the orientation, I had the strangest feeling. It was so strong, I felt like I would throw up. It wasn't a positive thing, but it's not like it was a bad thing either. I kept thinking of the movie Back to the Future when there are two Martys running around and he has to be careful not to run into himself. I imagined that what I was feeling would be like sensing a past or future self without really knowing they were present. The memories, the places, it was all so vivid, it was like I could reach out and touch my past self. She was just through the wall, down the hill, in the next building.
I think I was also sensing possibility. One of my favorite authors is Richard Bach. He often writes of new age thinking and "goes back" to deliver messages to his past selves. He believes (perhaps for real, perhaps just theoretically like I like to think of it) that for every decision we make, we split into several or many alternate selves. It's like multiple dimensions. Every decision you make, you continue to live the life that follows that path. But there are other "yous" that chose the other options and are following those paths. Being at the U was like being in contact with all those alternate paths. If I wouldn't have held back here, if I would have followed that, if something else would have worked out... so many possibilities!
Then we broke from the meeting and went to talk to advisors. The students were grouped by their intended major and by the time Khrys got to her advisor, there was just her and one other guy. We talked to him briefly and he was planning to study Classical Greek because he wants to go into the clergy. He had the kindest eyes. It was exciting! The people you meet at a University are amazing! They are of my tribe, if I can be so bold as to claim it. Smart. Educated. Dreamers. Planners. Doers.
I sat in the lobby while the two of them went in to talk to the advisor. Rayne played on the floor and kissed her baby doll making that sound I sometimes make when I kiss her "mmm-muh!" And that's probably about when it came clear. Then or later as we sat eating the yummy sandwiches I used to buy at the Union and wanted to make sure Khrystine sampled and Rayne ate most her snacks off the floor. My life, where I'm at now, is where I'm at. All those possibilities are entertaining to look at, even now looking back. But I am where I am because it's what I chose and it's what is right and it's MY life.
Things now aren't always what I thought they would look like. There are some things I am really struggling with. But if I can get everyone else's voice out of my head, I think I'm doing okay. I can even say that for the most part, I am happy. Life won't always look like this. Things will change and get better (I hope). For now, I'll just be where I'm at.
It just may be that for the first time since I graduated, I've closed the door on that wonderful experience and am ready to move on holding onto the tangible things it gave me instead of unreal possibilities.

Huh!?!?!?!

Tonight as I went to get in the shower, I felt a bit vulnerable. Rayne and Grandma had gone to bed and Jeff was still at school. I don't like leaving Rayne even long enough to shower if no one is there to get her. But I'm pretty quick at showering when I have to be and I can hear her through the wall. You know how those thoughts enter your mind though and I started being afraid of being home alone with just the three of us. It's not like we could fight anyone off if we had to and I wondered if Grandma left the back door unlocked for Jeff to come home. I thought that if someone came in and robbed us or worse hurt my baby, I would never forgive myself. It would be all my fault.
Okay, moment of rational thinking. It's not totally unreasonable to be concerned and safe. And if something huge and tragic like that happened, you would blame yourself. But this train of thought was interesting to me because I'd spent the day with mom trying to figure out some of my life and as I showered I realized that even if someone mean and evil and horrible were to break into my house and hurt my loved ones, I would still blame myself. It wouldn't, in a way, be the bad guy's fault. I'm the one that didn't protect myself when I know there are people like that out there.
Huh!?!?!?!
Is everything my fault?

Sunny day

I feel like I have had a crazy busy week... but in a good way.
Ben and Melanie have been here and it was SO great seeing them. I love them so much and it's so fun seeing their kids and how they are growing.
Last Sunday we finally got Rayne blessed. It was such a happy and uplifting day for me. I have felt happy and calmed all week long.
This week we also got Jeff finally officially enrolled in school. This is the first time he actually seems happy and excited about it. We've both said that even if he doesn't like it, he just has to stick with it this time. I'm hoping that this will be the time it will click. I feel like there have been some answered prayers in getting this all taken care of and even making it possible so here's hoping. He's also been working for three weeks now at a seasonal tax job. It's hard, he's up at 4 everyday for work, but it's felt like a positive thing and he likes it there.
I feel like I am really putting in extra effort to be a "good" wife and mother. I want to support Jeff in working and school and I still am so fascinated by my baby. She is over 10 months old now! The time is flying by. She crawls all over the house and is starting to get really uninhibited. My only real complaint (haha :) is that she crawls all over the bed when I change her diaper. It takes like 15 minutes to get it done and ends with me tackling her and trying to pin her down. She is also bound and determined to dive off the edge of the bed so I am getting lots of exercise running around it catching her.
I'm wishing this was a better more thought out post but I'm trying to keep my goal of posting more often. The last day or two haven't been as good as the first of this week and I've been a bit down about a few things. So, it's good to remember the good stuff and feel like I'm catching up a bit. Rayne and Jeff are both sleeping and it's really weird for ME to be the one awake... I better go join them! We're still not sleeping through the night, but I think we are getting better... maybe.