Sunny day

I feel like I have had a crazy busy week... but in a good way.
Ben and Melanie have been here and it was SO great seeing them. I love them so much and it's so fun seeing their kids and how they are growing.
Last Sunday we finally got Rayne blessed. It was such a happy and uplifting day for me. I have felt happy and calmed all week long.
This week we also got Jeff finally officially enrolled in school. This is the first time he actually seems happy and excited about it. We've both said that even if he doesn't like it, he just has to stick with it this time. I'm hoping that this will be the time it will click. I feel like there have been some answered prayers in getting this all taken care of and even making it possible so here's hoping. He's also been working for three weeks now at a seasonal tax job. It's hard, he's up at 4 everyday for work, but it's felt like a positive thing and he likes it there.
I feel like I am really putting in extra effort to be a "good" wife and mother. I want to support Jeff in working and school and I still am so fascinated by my baby. She is over 10 months old now! The time is flying by. She crawls all over the house and is starting to get really uninhibited. My only real complaint (haha :) is that she crawls all over the bed when I change her diaper. It takes like 15 minutes to get it done and ends with me tackling her and trying to pin her down. She is also bound and determined to dive off the edge of the bed so I am getting lots of exercise running around it catching her.
I'm wishing this was a better more thought out post but I'm trying to keep my goal of posting more often. The last day or two haven't been as good as the first of this week and I've been a bit down about a few things. So, it's good to remember the good stuff and feel like I'm catching up a bit. Rayne and Jeff are both sleeping and it's really weird for ME to be the one awake... I better go join them! We're still not sleeping through the night, but I think we are getting better... maybe.

Feb 12 Journal entry

Recently I watched a reality show about a woman having her 19th baby. The baby was delivered early because of complications. Not even 1 1/2 pounds, the show focused on some of the struggles of the family, parents, and baby. As a new mom recently having gone through a pregnancy and delivery, I felt I could relate in a whole new way. I cried for this mother and baby, empathizing in some way with the fear and prayers she would be experiencing. I also cried in extreme gratitude for my healthy, beautiful baby and that things were always so normal.

Beginning a couple months before Rayne was born, we moved in with Jeff's dad's family. If I'm honest, which is hard even with myself, I was miserable. There were things that made it NOT a good situation. Then happened some things that deeply affected mine and Jeff's relationship that were really bad. In retrospect, I don't know why I put up with or endured any of it. Was I so weak that I allowed myself to be treated that way in fear of losing this relationship? If I could allow myself to be treated this way, it didn't say much about me or the relationship to make it worth saving. I've even felt great regret that I would take my baby home to a place, to a life, that felt like that. I've wondered if I can forgive myself for doing that. And I've feared that when I remember the precious experience of my first baby, instead of the sweet thing it was, I'll remember all the trials and bad stuff.

Tonight I prayed a bit about this, not even knowing what to say. As I sang primary songs and held Rayne and put her to bed, the thought came to me that not all births are perfect. Like the mother in the t.v. show, sometimes all we can do is pray. In a sense, we had our own trials and struggles to get through. And we did.

I will try to remember the awesomeness of Rayne's birth. What it felt like to see her the first time, the complete peace and happiness I felt the first days at the hospital. I will remember our walks, singing songs and looking at trees. I will focus on the way she'd look at me and study me and when she learned to smile. I will especially remember our October in Lake Point and her two sweaters and purple hat and the long walks and running up and down the halls and that things finally were okay again.

And then... I'll just keep trying to be stronger and make things better.

Before and After

When I had my own apartment, with free basic cable, I would often spend several hours on Saturday watching Law and Order. I especially liked SVU. I liked seeing the bad guys get caught and I liked seeing intelligent people on t.v. (I should clarify, I would do other things while watching, not a complete couch potato!).
Eventually, I guess I got bored or got my fill because I didn't watch as often, but then I got pregnant. I always felt like I was sensitive to the crude, violent, mean, loud, obscene, etc etc. But being pregnant and feeling this little spirit, this innocent little life so fresh from heaven intensified the sensitivity. I just could not tolerate ANYTHING. Even Law and Order was too much to handle.
I also used to have a guilty pleasure, when the mood struck, of enjoying shows on the Disney channel and things like Full House and 7th Heaven.
Well, the other day, I turned on 7th Heaven just to have something on while Rayne was playing. It seemed like a nice mellow thing to be watching. Okay, and I was having a guilty pleasure day. But guess what? I REALLY enjoyed it this day. Some channel was having a marathon or something and I watched several episodes while Rayne played. I felt so uplifted. I enjoyed, not just in my silly, embarrassed to admit it way, the purity of it, the values, and yes, even the complete sap and corniness :)
Then, another day, we rented the movie My Sister's Keeper. I thought it was really well done. It's about a girl who is genetically engineered to be a match for her older sister who has cancer. But it was actually about a lot more than that. It was SO depressing and sad but also, I think, had a good message and a bit of uplifting thoughts. Watching it as a mother, I'm sure, was SO different than it would have been seeing it before I had a daughter. Some things, I could barely stand to watch or think about because I now KNOW what it's like to have a child. I could relate to the decisions being made in a whole new way.
We also watched the episode of 19 Kids and Counting when the 19th baby is born and the mother is having a lot of complications and is only about 6 months pregnant. I could have imagined and sympathized with it before and cried, but sitting there holding my sleeping baby... whoa! Life is a different place now.
(P.S. Maybe I am a couch potato?)