When I was in 7th and 8th grades, I took some home-ec classes. In the cooking part of the class, we were required to bring an apron. One of our first "lessons" was needlepointing (kind of) a name tag to sew on the apron. My mom took me to my grandma's house and I inherited one of her aprons.
My grandma wore an apron all the time. It wasn't like the almost rectangular kind with the strap around your neck and tie in the back you see on t.v. shows etc. Grandma's had snaps up the front and you put it on like a sleeveless button up shirt. She always kept a pen and who knows what else in the nicely sized square pockets on the front. All her aprons were made of pretty, delicately flowered fabric that I always think of as wall paper patterned.
In junior high, I don't remember, nor do I honestly know if I even really looked at, what other people had. I just remember and I hate to admit it now that I was a bit embarrassed because my apron would be different. I feel bad saying that now. I would hate for my mom or grandma to know I felt that way. Even at the time I knew I didn't want them to know and I knew it was rather petty of me to feel it. So, I swallowed my adolescent pride and wore the apron.
Last night as I cleaned my kitchen in my old t-shirt that I wear as pajamas, I thought "I need an apron." And I remembered the feelings I had in junior high. I remembered very fondly the burgandy flowered apron I still have tucked away in a drawer. Even in junior high, I thought it was kind of neat to have something of my grandmother's. And last night, I wanted to wear that apron. In fact, I've about decided to go to the fabric store and buy some of that wonderful fabric I wouldn't know what else to do with and make me a handful of aprons! And someday, when I teach my daughter to cook, I'll tell her about my grandmother's aprons.
Tuesday, June 17, 2008
Monday, June 09, 2008
Monday pick me up
I guess my last couple posts have been... well, less than pleasant. Too bad (not like too bad for you, but like that's too bad for me because I was signing in for more complaining!). I'm just checking in now to whine and complain so now I'm thinking I should be more positive. I'm sure I was having some kind of good thoughts this morning! Oh well.... It's just been a Monday and I'm not really ready to start the week. It's almost over though.
So a woman at work I really like and talk to frequently and would call a friend returned a book to another coworker when I happened to be standing there. They were talking about it and I commented that it sounded neat, kind of to be polite, kind of because it did sound nice. The woman who owns the book then asked if I wanted to borrow it next. I said sure. I like reading and would like to have something new to think about.
The weird thing is, before I even started reading it, I had a really strong feeling that I didn't want to. I thought perhaps I was just being negative and started reading it anyway. I'd read only about a chapter and a half and it was really bothering me emotionally. I didn't think I wanted to continue. As you can probably guess, if you know me at all, I wondered how I would return the book and answer "how'd you like it?" if I didn't finish it. So, yesterday I kept reading.
The story is interesting enough that I want to see how it plays out. But really, it's not THAT well written. I can't tell you how many times the narrator says "I can't tell you how... sad, scary, beautiful, whatever... it was. Words just can't describe it." At first I thought it was because it was about a young girl. But then, even when it told us she was maturing and thinking more adult thoughts, it was the same. So that is kind of... well, annoying.
The book is a story, completely fictional, but based on our church's beliefs, mostly about dying and how that could comfort a family who had suffered a kidnapping/murder. I thought that would be interesting but I keep getting the feeling like "how do you know?" And "if you do know, shouldn't this be a personal thing?" I don't know. Maybe for some reason I'm just hard hearted. Maybe there are things in the story that effect my emotions even if I don't realize it or understand why. And I think that mostly I get the feeling that someone who thinks they know is trying to put a band-aid on a mortal wound of someone who really knows what it feels like. Ba-humbug me eh?
I may keep reading it just to see how it ends.
The real question though is, how do I politely return it? Today I thought I could just say thanks so much for sharing, it was very interesting etc. If pressed, or even if not, I could just say "you know, it was too emotional and I couldn't read it." That would be alright. But, being me, I'd probably feel too rude or stupid to say it so I'd have to pretend I finished it and oh, wasn't it so nice? Anyway...
Friday the 13th is Jeffy's birthday. I'm taking the day off and we're going out. I also hope to get my car inspected, even though I don't know how we'll pay for it, and do some other errand type things. I feel like I had a day off recently (I think I did) but feel like I really need it again. Perhaps I'm getting spoiled. I really am trying to enjoy little things like this more though and trying to think happy and positively and productively about where life is going. I'm going to the grocery store on my way home and I'm trying to think of it as fun or playing house or something. I get to be the one to feed us and take care of us and last time I was at the store they had some pretty turquoise plastic glasses for $1. I might pick up one or two. And buy some salad makings! Mmm.... salad. Maybe some pink lemonade to acknowledge the season or something.
So a woman at work I really like and talk to frequently and would call a friend returned a book to another coworker when I happened to be standing there. They were talking about it and I commented that it sounded neat, kind of to be polite, kind of because it did sound nice. The woman who owns the book then asked if I wanted to borrow it next. I said sure. I like reading and would like to have something new to think about.
The weird thing is, before I even started reading it, I had a really strong feeling that I didn't want to. I thought perhaps I was just being negative and started reading it anyway. I'd read only about a chapter and a half and it was really bothering me emotionally. I didn't think I wanted to continue. As you can probably guess, if you know me at all, I wondered how I would return the book and answer "how'd you like it?" if I didn't finish it. So, yesterday I kept reading.
The story is interesting enough that I want to see how it plays out. But really, it's not THAT well written. I can't tell you how many times the narrator says "I can't tell you how... sad, scary, beautiful, whatever... it was. Words just can't describe it." At first I thought it was because it was about a young girl. But then, even when it told us she was maturing and thinking more adult thoughts, it was the same. So that is kind of... well, annoying.
The book is a story, completely fictional, but based on our church's beliefs, mostly about dying and how that could comfort a family who had suffered a kidnapping/murder. I thought that would be interesting but I keep getting the feeling like "how do you know?" And "if you do know, shouldn't this be a personal thing?" I don't know. Maybe for some reason I'm just hard hearted. Maybe there are things in the story that effect my emotions even if I don't realize it or understand why. And I think that mostly I get the feeling that someone who thinks they know is trying to put a band-aid on a mortal wound of someone who really knows what it feels like. Ba-humbug me eh?
I may keep reading it just to see how it ends.
The real question though is, how do I politely return it? Today I thought I could just say thanks so much for sharing, it was very interesting etc. If pressed, or even if not, I could just say "you know, it was too emotional and I couldn't read it." That would be alright. But, being me, I'd probably feel too rude or stupid to say it so I'd have to pretend I finished it and oh, wasn't it so nice? Anyway...
Friday the 13th is Jeffy's birthday. I'm taking the day off and we're going out. I also hope to get my car inspected, even though I don't know how we'll pay for it, and do some other errand type things. I feel like I had a day off recently (I think I did) but feel like I really need it again. Perhaps I'm getting spoiled. I really am trying to enjoy little things like this more though and trying to think happy and positively and productively about where life is going. I'm going to the grocery store on my way home and I'm trying to think of it as fun or playing house or something. I get to be the one to feed us and take care of us and last time I was at the store they had some pretty turquoise plastic glasses for $1. I might pick up one or two. And buy some salad makings! Mmm.... salad. Maybe some pink lemonade to acknowledge the season or something.
Friday, June 06, 2008
TMI (Too Much Information)?
There was a time in my life when I thought having the love of your life within hearing distance of you throwing up (or any other loud, smelly, yucky feeling bodily functions) would be the worst thing in the world. But alas, it has happened to me and I survived it. Surprisingly, I just wanted to hurry and clean myself up so that I could go to him and be held and comforted. Now THAT's love :)
Not to gross anyone out with unnecessary details but by Wednesday night I was pretty darn sick. It had started out as girl stuff and I thought I'd just had a rough day at work. One of those days when the little dumb things stress you out more than when big problems come up. I was able to sleep that night by just getting in a comfortable fetal position and not moving the whole night. When I woke up Thursday, I thought I was feeling much better. I took the dog out and got in the shower and by then my heart was racing and I felt miserable. At certain times, I thought the shower was helping, but when I got out, I'd barely dried off before throwing up from the very bottom of my toes. It was like the kind that you wonder if you'll stop breathing or stop barfing first. You catch your breath and then go again. YUCK!!!! Shortly after, Jeff got home from work and I just sat with him for a long time.
So, my real point in writing this is to analyze myself and my... we'll just call it "work ethic." I was sick enough yesterday that I would have called in sick if it wasn't for the fact that my supervisor, the one I'm told is the only other person to really know my job, is out of town for a funeral. Not only would there be no one to do my job, leaving other people without work because what I do gives them their work, but I am also supposed to do a couple jobs to cover my supervisor. I really felt I had no choice but to just get to work and get things done. I told myself it only had to be minimal and then I'd ask to go home early. And that's what happened.
As you know, I often drive Jeff to work at night. When I asked him Wednesday to drive himself and if he was okay with it, he said that was fine. What's not fine is that I'll be this sick and still go to work. I was too tired and yucky to try to explain why I felt I HAD to be here. I could tell Thursday morning that he was... I don't know. Not mad at me, but kinda... disappointed. Of course I feel like that's selfish. I'm sick and suffering and he's disappointed that I'm not making it a holiday? Actually, from conversations, I think he just feels like I"m too hard on myself, make the job more important than anything else, and maybe even feels bad that I don't let him take care of me. There sure is a lot for me to learn here.
And here's the interesting part. When I asked my boss if I could go home early, she was so nice. She really is one of the nicest people I've ever met. She was genuinely concerned. I told her I'd had a rough morning but thought I better just get there. She gave me her cell phone number and insisted I call her today (Friday) if I needed to because she had the day off but with my supervisor being gone she would come in. When I said I didn't think I could miss Friday, it's a big day for us and especially with the other girl being gone, she so sincerely and simply said "but if you're sick, you're sick."
Honestly, I had no idea that anyone would think that way. I feel like I miss too much. I laid there for like an hour before coming to work Thursday trying to figure out if there was ANY way I could not be here. It just didn't make any sense in my head that I could. Sure, if I died in a car accident on my way here, they'd figure something out. But the fact that I could get up and walk around made it certainly feasible for me to come to work. Not that I would expect that of anyone else. Because my boss is so nice that way, I don't want to slack off at all and I think that's a good thing. Maybe it makes her more effective as a boss. But really, I could have stayed home?!?!?! I didn't even dare tell Jeff because he'd just say I told you so.
Perhaps, if I didn't feel like I miss frequently for dumb reasons (like when my car wouldn't start and I had no way to get here), I'd be more likely to call in. Maybe my supervisor being gone etc, was a good reason to just tough it out. But the thing is, and what I think bothers Jeff, is that there's always something like that. It's hard for me. Being like this is what got me through school and the hard things I had to do. In a way, I think it's kept me safe- from emotions? or getting in trouble- like I'm not the rebellious one, I'm the good one? I don't really know. I do believe it's kept me as Dad's "favorite." I'm just like him. I've earned his approval/love. He's proud of me. But what if I don't want to be like this? What if people don't think this way? Someone out there help me fix how I think! (And, for the record, that's all Jeff is trying to do).
Not to gross anyone out with unnecessary details but by Wednesday night I was pretty darn sick. It had started out as girl stuff and I thought I'd just had a rough day at work. One of those days when the little dumb things stress you out more than when big problems come up. I was able to sleep that night by just getting in a comfortable fetal position and not moving the whole night. When I woke up Thursday, I thought I was feeling much better. I took the dog out and got in the shower and by then my heart was racing and I felt miserable. At certain times, I thought the shower was helping, but when I got out, I'd barely dried off before throwing up from the very bottom of my toes. It was like the kind that you wonder if you'll stop breathing or stop barfing first. You catch your breath and then go again. YUCK!!!! Shortly after, Jeff got home from work and I just sat with him for a long time.
So, my real point in writing this is to analyze myself and my... we'll just call it "work ethic." I was sick enough yesterday that I would have called in sick if it wasn't for the fact that my supervisor, the one I'm told is the only other person to really know my job, is out of town for a funeral. Not only would there be no one to do my job, leaving other people without work because what I do gives them their work, but I am also supposed to do a couple jobs to cover my supervisor. I really felt I had no choice but to just get to work and get things done. I told myself it only had to be minimal and then I'd ask to go home early. And that's what happened.
As you know, I often drive Jeff to work at night. When I asked him Wednesday to drive himself and if he was okay with it, he said that was fine. What's not fine is that I'll be this sick and still go to work. I was too tired and yucky to try to explain why I felt I HAD to be here. I could tell Thursday morning that he was... I don't know. Not mad at me, but kinda... disappointed. Of course I feel like that's selfish. I'm sick and suffering and he's disappointed that I'm not making it a holiday? Actually, from conversations, I think he just feels like I"m too hard on myself, make the job more important than anything else, and maybe even feels bad that I don't let him take care of me. There sure is a lot for me to learn here.
And here's the interesting part. When I asked my boss if I could go home early, she was so nice. She really is one of the nicest people I've ever met. She was genuinely concerned. I told her I'd had a rough morning but thought I better just get there. She gave me her cell phone number and insisted I call her today (Friday) if I needed to because she had the day off but with my supervisor being gone she would come in. When I said I didn't think I could miss Friday, it's a big day for us and especially with the other girl being gone, she so sincerely and simply said "but if you're sick, you're sick."
Honestly, I had no idea that anyone would think that way. I feel like I miss too much. I laid there for like an hour before coming to work Thursday trying to figure out if there was ANY way I could not be here. It just didn't make any sense in my head that I could. Sure, if I died in a car accident on my way here, they'd figure something out. But the fact that I could get up and walk around made it certainly feasible for me to come to work. Not that I would expect that of anyone else. Because my boss is so nice that way, I don't want to slack off at all and I think that's a good thing. Maybe it makes her more effective as a boss. But really, I could have stayed home?!?!?! I didn't even dare tell Jeff because he'd just say I told you so.
Perhaps, if I didn't feel like I miss frequently for dumb reasons (like when my car wouldn't start and I had no way to get here), I'd be more likely to call in. Maybe my supervisor being gone etc, was a good reason to just tough it out. But the thing is, and what I think bothers Jeff, is that there's always something like that. It's hard for me. Being like this is what got me through school and the hard things I had to do. In a way, I think it's kept me safe- from emotions? or getting in trouble- like I'm not the rebellious one, I'm the good one? I don't really know. I do believe it's kept me as Dad's "favorite." I'm just like him. I've earned his approval/love. He's proud of me. But what if I don't want to be like this? What if people don't think this way? Someone out there help me fix how I think! (And, for the record, that's all Jeff is trying to do).
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