Sad story

I talked to a friend I haven't talked to in a while last night. We've known each other since we were in 7th grade and there are a few of us left that are still in contact. She's having all kinds of trouble with her kids and ex-husband. She also told me of another friend from high school who finally got divorced. It had always sounded like she was in an abusive relationship; I don't know if it was physical or not, but he treated her pretty badly.

There was kind of a core group of five of us when we started high school. "The group" ebbed and flowed from there, but those five still have at least some sort of contact (one is kind of gone, but I did get a baby announcement from her about a year ago). Of those five, three are divorced with kids and these crazy ex-husbands.

Both my older siblings got divorced last year.

I used to look at things like this and try to figure out what went wrong. Why do these things happen? How can I avoid it? And, truth be told, there are some things that you can look at and say it was bad judgement or immaturity or something. But some of it, I just can't see it. Things happen TO people. And it's sad. And it's scary to know it's out there.

Don't listen to the dumbs

If you can't change what you are feeling,
change what you are thinking about.
If you don't like what you see,
change the way you're looking at it.
Jeff

Emotions are weird things. So tangible, so real, so out of control, but not always very valid.

I remember thinking I was in love with someone once and waking up the next day SO free- because it didn't matter. This huge emotion we think controls lives and definitely does change lives, didn't matter. It didn't make it right or possible or, once the fog cleared, even very desirable.

I wonder if bad emotions cah work the same way. I've been struggling lately with self esteem issues. By Sunday morning, I was a wreck. Couldn't I be freed of that? Couldn't THOSE emotions not matter?

I realized the other day that I didn't lose myself recently- quite the opposite! I have found myself lately- at least another piece of the puzzle anyway. And she is just aching to get out, excited to be in this new life. But another part of me is feeling threatened by change, even if it is good change. She's the one, or the side of me, that stresses and worries and tries to control everything. She's trying to keep the new one from coming out. THAT's where this conflict is coming from. I'm not lost at all.

Jeff told me today that I'm fired from feeling stressed out. I can no longer stress out about anything ever. I might just take him up on that. It feels good.

Maybe I could live like I don't care about all those dumb things out there- because I don't! Don't listen to the dumbs!

I don't have anyone left in my life that I'm trying to impress or please or whatever- except for on incredible guy who seems to keep loving me no matter what...

I love myself - even the outside

I wish I were a writer and had words to express and explain all the thoughts, feelings, opinions that go through me. Then I'd write a fashion magazine and tell all the girls how to think and feel about themselves, how they look and who they are.

I've found a few good books and articles lately about self esteem issues. But one thought I've discovered- in myself, by the way- is that all of these self help books etc talk about loving yourself for what's on the inside. That's great, right? Of course it is! But that's not the problem. I know I'm sweet and smart and spiritual and aye okay on the inside. It's the outside that hurts. By telling me to love myself for more than the outside, in a way, you're telling me to just accept that I'm fat and ugly and love myself IN SPITE OF what's on the outside.

Well! How about this!? How about telling me to love the outside too!? How about teaching girls what's good about themselves and how to love and accept what's not so good? How about I say I love myself, EVEN THE OUTSIDE! How about listing all the body parts that we condemn with exercise, diets, and make-up and see what's good about them? What if! I could look at myself and admit to liking the curves and even the rolls of my body? What if I thought my eyes were pretty, even without bringing them out with make-up? What if I didn't hate my hair?

I completely believe that girls should play sports and be involved in academics and music and whatever else they like or are interested in. I believe in teaching our children that people are what's on the inside and somehow showing them that outer beauty isn't everything. But let's take it further! We should teach them different standards of beauty- show them what a beautiful woman looks like at church or in the neighborhood or in the family, not in a magazine or on television. We should show them the beauty, even the outer beauty, that is them!

Last night I took a walk in my new neighborhood. It wasn't the first. I am so surpised to find out what a pretty little neighborhood we now live in. When I walk, I don't care how my hair looks or what I"m wearing. I avoid people because it's not about them; it's MY time and MY thoughts and even MY breath that matter. I found a pretty walk way not far at all from our apartment. There were trees and a pond and ducks and I felt alive! A short walk does wonders for my thoughts! I went home and made dinner, which I ate by myself because my hubby was still sleeping, and read books etc. When he got up, we sat in his game room and talked and played games etc. The way I was sitting, I glanced over (not looked, just caught my eye) and could see myself in the mirror in the hallway. I was so surprised to see I'm pretty!

I'm pretty! My hair was pulled up but loosely falling down. I had washed the make-up off my face. I was wearing comfortable pajama/walking clothes. And I was pretty. Not pretty like the hot girls, all primped to perfection. Not pretty clothes or pretty hair or pretty attitude. Just me. Sitting there with him. The shape of my face was pretty. My smile was natural and cute. My hair was soft and a nice color. I was happy. I was comfortable. I am in love.

That's what pretty is!

The last few days I've been taking a good look at myself as I stand naked before I get in the shower. I look at the mirror and try to see myself. Not judge, not "suck it in" or hold it up. Just look. And you know what I've found? That's pretty too. I roll, I curve, I hang. I have odd colors and irritations. But it's not ugly. It's just me!

I wrote a blog the other day I didn't post. I went on and on and on. It was so therapeutic! I came to some conclusions. I expressed but didn't work out some concerns. I just kept talking and thinking. It was so good for me. Some things lingered and still bothered me, but at least they were there and I was honest about them.

I don't know how to keep it going. How to not feel ugly or like it's all taken away the next time I see someone who is... well, just pretty in a different way than I am. I don't know how to assert myself and hold tight to my convictions. I don't know how to not be intimidated by "hot girls," even if it's not the look I want. I don't know how to not feel afraid that my husband is going to find someone else more attractive or one day leave me for someone who is more... pretty, skinny, whatever. I don't know how to keep telling myself, and keep believing it, that I am pretty. That I am good enough to love. Without falling into "their" way of being or showing it.

It makes me want to start a rebellion- to do something ugly even, just to scream at the world that I don't buy what they're selling anymore! Shave my head and wear combat boots... But that's not it either. The most revolutionary thing I can do is simply, perhaps even quietly, BE.

Be me. Let my light shine. Do things my way.