New Year Yawping

Well, it seems that everyone is talking resolutions and lists and goals, so I might as well join in.

It's funny, last new year I decided to leave the old year in the past. I wanted to let go of a few people/situations that gave me heart ache and move on with my life. I even wrote it down and said specific things that I wasn't going to think about anymore.

To some extent it worked. But funny enough, every one of those things came back into my life in some form or another. What's that about? So much for leaving them behind.

Maybe it goes back to my blog about justifying a scream. Maybe I really wanted a chance to defend myself and scream at those people and/or situations. And, I'm proud to say, I have.

I feel I have been quite true to myself and saying what I needed to say and didn't get a chance the first time. Granted, not every situation goes just as we plan it, but I done good. So perhaps my goal for 2005 is to

SOUND MY BARBARIC YAWP!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Slippery Slope

It seems the best and worst of life come in December. The pretty snow fall, being warm and cozy, Christmas lights and spirituality. But also the harsh cold, slipping on the ice, battling the crowds that really have nothing to do with the Christmas spirit and getting sick.

I was so excited for it to snow- the view of my apartment's courtyard (I guess that's what you call it) is awesome. I love to be in a warm house watching it snow.

But I don't like driving in it. And I don't like walking in it. I'm afraid of falling. That's my real fear behind my fear of heights- falling to my death. But even slipping on the ice is an excrutiating experience! It hurts to lose so much control so fast, even if only for a moment.

It's like me. I want to go ice-skating, but I'm too afraid I'll fall.
Lately I feel at my best. I'm stepping in to this new life that I have been working so hard to find for the last two years. I'm learning to love myself and what I'm doing. To accept that I love it and quit looking for change. But just when I get that high, I feel a fear of falling. Not failure, it's just that things are slippery. I'm afraid of losing so much control so fast. If I let my guard down and enjoy the moment, I may fall to my death. Have you ever wanted to make a "mistake"- just to see what it feels like?

Justify a Scream

Some phiolosophies claim that we bring into our lives what we most need to learn. I guess it's not that different than believing in fate or that God has a purpose for us- even to the point that our challenges are tailor made. I don't know if I believe any of that? But I have been thinking of events in my life over the last couple years that have all made me feel about the same. Why would I bring these controversies into my life? What am I trying to learn?

Perhaps I'm hoping for something that will push me over the edge and justify a scream. Something to finally make me stand up and say "Hey! I exist! You can't treat me like this!"

I remember when I was younger actually having the fantasy that I was a mute child genius artist. I thought that then people would have to listen to me- because they couldn't hear my voice, they'd have to look into my art to really understand me.

Why am I so afraid of hearing my own voice? What do I think will happen if I begin to speak? Sometimes I get so flustered and start stuttering or honestly just don't know what I think or feel. But sometimes I think the truth is, I do know. It's in there somewhere, but if even I am not listening, why bother? I think sometimes that I am my most prized possession and that's why I hide me from the rest of the world. I don't trust it to value something as precious as I am. Other times, I just feel rather worthless, or at least like everyone knows better.

Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah! I'm here!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!