I Talk to Myself

Farewell

2010-08-16T21:18:00.003-07:00

After posting my last post here, I played with a new blog layout, name, etc. For some reason, it was really fun and I really liked the idea of starting a new blog. So, I am saying farewell to this one. Please visit me on my profile under the new blog "My Universe."

P.S. Do blogs last forever? I feel like I've kept a really good journal and I'd hate to see it be wasted...

2 blog or not 2 blog

2010-08-09T10:01:00.003-07:00

When I started high school, I had a diary and a journal. My journal was what I was always taught at church it should be. Like a personal history, I tried to make it for important events and spiritual feelings. But as I started high school, more and more of my life seemed silly and I didn't want a permanent record of the boy I liked and then didn't etc. So, I started a diary and yes, it got more attention than my journal. It seemed the only way I could stay sane was to come home and write down everything that happened that day.
Eventually, my diary and journal merged into the same thing. I got better at writing not about what one friend did or seeing the cute boy, but about how I felt and my insights and experience. I felt like that was okay to have in my permanent record that would probably stand as testimony on judgment day. Plus, I stopped taking the whole journal thing so seriously as if I was leaving an important thing for historians to find and saw it more as something we do for ourselves.
I guess that's how I'm starting to feel about my blogs. I have this one that I fill with my little thoughts and when I just need to talk to myself and think that someone else is listening. Then, I have the one I started when I thought I might be pregnant that is all about my baby and I try to keep as the happy journal of her life. But, my life is starting to merge again and I feel like it's all "just me." (Hm, maybe that's a good name for a new blog? :) I know, it's not just about me because it's about them- my baby, my husband, family and friends- but it's all through me or around me. My universe. Hm...
Plus I think when you have two blogs, people forget about the other one, so it might make it easier for my loyal viewers to only have one. Well, I'll let you know. It might be a good mental/emotional cleansing to merge things. Ah how I love the blogs!

Pina Coloda Song (this was written with the baby screaming in the background :)

2010-08-07T16:35:00.002-07:00

I don't know when I first heard the Pina Colada song but I've always liked it. In high school and even into college, I would sometimes wake up with that song in my head and then later hear it somewhere (I thought it was old when I was a kid?). I loved the ideas of just the simple things we enjoy in life, like getting caught in the rain. But somewhere along the way, I heard that song one day and knowing what infidelity does to people, that song just wasn't the same. Both characters were looking elsewhere, looking to cheat right?

The other night as my thoughts went from one thing to the next, that song again popped in my head (I haven't heard it in forever) and I realized that the idea of taking out my own personal column and being tired of his lady were just a way of describing things. What the song is really about is that no matter how tired or frustrated or wanting to just find a dooms of a cave (I don't know if that's even the real words, just what I always heard and imagined some secluded cave on a deserted beach :), I'm really looking to find that all in the one I've already found. I'm looking to again share those simple pleasures with the one I love, not run away from him or find someone else. And that, I think, is the point of the song.

Meant to Be

2010-07-31T07:16:00.003-07:00

I used to really believe in "meant to be." I thought that by doing the right thing, going to the right party, the right school, the right job, I was putting myself in the right place for whatever was "meant to be" to happen. I thought choosing the right meant there was a right and a wrong to EVERY question and I had to figure out some out-in-the-universe direction for my life.
I was thinking about a lot of things from my past yesterday. What I realized is that when I thought something was meant to be, it relied on someone else's action (ie. choice) to make it happen. So, when I thought I was waiting for divine intervention and order from the universe, I was really just giving my power (of choice etc) to other people. This probably doesn't sound profound to anyone else, but it gave me a lot of insight into my life.

Random Stuff

2010-07-14T21:05:00.004-07:00

I'm pretty sure I had a good post going through my head this morning but I can't for the life of me find it...

I've been struggling with some anger issues lately. Don't know how much to say. It's been interesting I guess. Some days I feel like I will learn so much if I can learn how to deal with this. I don't mean like anger management/go to a happy place and count to ten. I mean like if I can learn to express myself without bursting into tears or throwing things across the hall. Some days I walk and I pray and if I really try, I don't have to think about things and I can feel good and focus on the life I want to be living. Other days, it just feels too hard to try. Unfortunately, I've found that caffeine is a good medicine too. It's really sad that a substance can alter my moods so tremendously. I would blame sleep deprivation on my lacking ability to control any emotion so then it makes sense that a shot of caffeine would perk me up and help me deal, but it feels so much more than that. Seriously, I feel like I did when I took Zoloft... except it only lasts a few hours and then I feel like I'm going to be sick. So I'm trying to not get hooked on the stuff.

But life is not all about this either. I suppose I keep trying to talk about things as a way of getting control. On a happy note, Rayne is walking a lot now! She is so cute I can't stand it! My mother in law has these cute moose and bear wine glass slippers. That's what they look like anyway is slippers. You put them on the base of your glass I think to keep track of whose glass is whose. Anyway, Jeff showed Rayne to wear them as slippers and when she just couldn't make that work, she put them on her hands. She walks and sometimes crawls all over the house with her slipper hands. It's really cute. She also loves to run by the couch as I squeal "I'm gonna get you!" Sometimes she runs away from me, sometimes she runs toward me and falls into my lap so I can tickle her. She gets a bit too enthusiastic sometimes and falls continuously into my lap, the couch, the chair, the floor. I'm surprised she doesn't cry more about it, but she just keeps going. Her dad has also taught her the word "puppy" rather than dog and she has two stuffed puppies she has been carrying everywhere. She tries to drink from any cup or bottle I do and the other day kept putting her baby doll to the bottle so she could drink too. Yesterday, we stopped and talked to four cows who were having their breakfast. Then we met a skinny but pretty black dog who walked us all the way home. And today, I saw the peacocks more up close, but Rayne couldn't see past all the stuff in the yard to see them.

Jeff is home from school now. I will go feed him something.

Star Gazing

2010-07-06T07:53:00.003-07:00

Isn't it awesome
that God would put discovery in the stars
for the scientists and mystery
for the poets?

Daily affirmations

2010-07-03T06:31:00.003-07:00

I am a woman, a daughter, of God.
I am a mother. I am a wife.
I believe in virtue and kindness and patience.
I honor beauty and the feminine.
I will act with strength, with faith.
I will put in the world what I hope to receive
& the good things I wish were there.

I will try not to fear the ugly, the base, the hurtful and wrong,
for fear gives them life.
Nor will I accept or tolerate those that inflict my life with such.

I will act always with dignity, grace, beauty, and kindness.
I will live and laugh and love.
I will remember how to breathe.

Poor me

2010-06-23T08:11:00.003-07:00

Sunday was such a nice day. It seemed like everything at church helped me think and I found answers to a lot of questions. I was determined to do and be better about things. Then Rayne and I went to my parents house. Rayne talked to James (my other baby :) like they were best friends. She went outside and played ball with Aunt Khrystine and Grandpa. She was quite happy and that made me happy.
Then later, after I'd come home, someone said something that I had to try really hard to not let myself take it the way it was entering my head. I was pretty sure they didn't mean it that way and, trying to hang onto my Sunday school lessons, I was trying to not be hurt by it. Then Jeff told me something and again I'm sure he didn't mean it the way it felt, but as I sat putting my baby to bed, I cried. I gave up and let the hurt and bad thoughts fill my head. I sat staring out the window, feeling hurt and sorry for myself and lonely. It's probably not really healthy for her, but sometimes I just hold Rayne because of the peace and happiness I get from her.
Anyway, as I sat in my sad place, I thought of my earlier day and wondered why I would "let" myself feel this way now. I must like it, I thought meanly about myself. Instead of defensively saying why would anyone want to feel this way?, I let myself answer. I like to feel this way because it is safe. In the moment, I felt like every time I get happy, every time I get my head on straight, someone slaps me down and kicks me in the head. It's just easier to feel the sad and sorry for myself because then they can't hurt me. I'm already there. I'm already guarded. And I saw my whole attitude as a defensive stance.
Not sure what to think of this, even a few days later, but it seemed like a good insight.

Unfinished thought

2010-06-19T15:57:00.000-07:00

Love means to learn to look at yourself the way one looks at distant things. For you are only one thing among many. And whoever sees that way heals his heart, without knowing it, from various ills.
Czeslaw Milosz from "Love"

I found this quote in an old magazine the other day. I'm not quite sure what it means, but for some reason, I liked it.
Today as I lay on the bed with my baby, I saw my reflection in the t.v. Unclear, I saw mostly the outline of myself. This thought flashed in my head and I tried to see as an observer from the outside, rather than someone who knows me so intimately. It was interesting to see my shape, with no preconceived notions. I looked rather normal, and I liked it.
We are always looking from the inside, at what comes toward us, at our own reaction. Perhaps even a mother or lover, those that love us the greatest and most intimately don't see us the way we see ourselves. They are looking from the outside, with some distance.

Day of Rest

2010-06-14T08:28:00.004-07:00

When I asked my sister in law if her kids were as clingy as mine, she looked at me like I was silly. "Don't you remember?" she asked. "But then one day, you'll leave and when you come back they won't even care... and then you'll know you've done a good job."

Jeff's birthday was Sunday so we planned an outing for the weekend. We were just going to go to a movie and leave Rayne with her Grandma and Great Grandma. Because she's been SO clingy lately, we later decided just a lunch date would be better. We went to his Grandma's, where we still have stuff, including her crib (fyi, we brought the crib home and she slept by herself!) and hung out for a bit. She was happy to play alone but when I went to leave, feeling like I gave her no clue whatsoever, she started to cry. We decided to go for a walk and I took her out to her stroller, kissed her and told her to have fun with her grandmas. Jeff and I left.

It was so strange to be without the baby. We went to the Olive Garden. It was the fanciest date he and I had ever been on. We were a bit surprised by the prices but tried to just enjoy ourselves; I even had a real Coke. I ate TONS of salad. He ate lots of breadsticks. And our pasta was to die for!
After lunch, we went to a game store to look but not buy anything. Then we went back to grandma's.

We walked in the front door and stood there, waiting for Rayne to notice. She was playing by the couch with magnet letters. She finally looked up and saw us, seemed a bit surprised, then turned back to her grandma and continued playing. I was VERY happy. She was FINE!
Eventually, she got a bit clingy and snuggly with me and that was fun too.

This is the first time Jeff and I have gone out alone since last August. I feel sad to admit that it was nice to have a day to ourselves. I missed Rayne the whole time, but it was like I needed a break. Is that bad to say? I was so much better to handle her crying and not willing to sleep in her bed that night. And, eventually she settled and did sleep in her bed (not sure if it's because we got her crib- which she seemed very happy to play in, or because I was patient and nice when she was having a hard time instead of the flustered and not knowing what to do I was getting to the last few nights).

My Quest for Normal

2010-06-08T10:41:00.007-07:00

Being pregnant, I learned the wonderfulness of the word normal. I was elated each time I went to the doctor and was told that everything was normal. My symptoms were normal. Her heartbeat was normal. Her growth was normal. The ultrasound was normal. She was born normal.

Growing up, I was always the teacher's pet kind of kid. I was, in some sense of the word, my dad's favorite. I was the smart kid. I was the good kid. I don't think I ever thought of myself as normal and I never wanted to be normal if it meant being like everyone else.

Recently I've seen two girls (I say girls but they were around my age, not little girls) who I thought I would have a crush on if I were a boy :) I saw the first when we stopped in to see Jeff's dad on a Saturday morning. He and his wife are in the band for the pentacostal church they go to and they have rehearsal on Saturday mornings. The girl playing keyboard was apparently struggling with the new song. The guitar player and drummer and she were working to figure it out. Even though she looked a bit frustrated, it was the kind of frustration of being in your element; "I don't get this, but I know I will." I took note that she was quite normal looking.
She wore sweats and her hair wasn't "done," but she was wearing make-up. There was just something about her that was very appealing. Perhaps it was that sense of being where she belonged, the inner self shining through even to the casual observer.

The second girl, I guess I wouldn't say I had a crush on, she just stood out. She was in a choir in church a few weeks ago. She reminded me of someone I kind of knew in high school. I kind of knew a lot of people, being too shy to really claim a lot of friends as more than a friend of a friend. As I watched the choir girl, I found myself wishing that I would have been comfortable enough with myself in high school that I could have been friends with this girl. She and her best friend just had an air about them. They were confident and comfortable enough to not have to fit in even though they didn't necessarily stand out; they weren't the obvious stand out and rebel because I'm not a cheerleader types. They were just them.

I guess I've always expected more of myself. If I'm not the best, the favorite, the smartest, etc, it's just not enough. To be honest, how often am I the best? Not ever. I've always said I can get the A-/B+ grade, I just can't quite make the A. And I'm okay with that except I think it's not good enough for anyone else. Well, to be honest, it's probably just me that expects that of myself. So even when it comes to how I look, I think I'm supposed to be this glamour queen and I think that I am always failing. At my best, I'm still just one step short. I suppose this all sounds very vain. I never think of myself that way. It's quite the opposite really. The bar I've set for myself is just too high and I always think I'm a failure for not reaching it.

As I took note of these two girls and the feelings I had, I told myself that maybe for once in my life I need to realize that normal is better than okay. It's what I want. I will never be that glamour queen I think is pretty. I might not even have that girl next door Miss America perfection I think I try for. Perhaps I'm just me. And perhaps that is okay.

Maybe my beauty comes not from the outside, but from my inner qualities as well. When I was teaching and hopefully now as a mother I'm in my element and perhaps that gives me an attractive quality I don't see when I just look in the mirror clouded with all the images I've picked up out there. It's really hard to remember. But maybe normal is okay...

On the Move Again

2010-06-03T12:08:00.002-07:00

We have been moving again... I say sort of because we are moving from Jeff's grandma's to his mom's. We basically got enough stuff like we were just staying for the weekend and most our stuff is still at his grandma's waiting for a "big move" day... or something. We are staying in the guest room and trying to figure out if we will take over the basement or just stay in the guest room and still take over the basement with toys etc.
It's stressful for me. I have put even more stuff in storage and am really beginning to feel invisible. Rayne's beautiful crib is still at grandma's and she is sleeping in a "pack-n-play." She is nearly on the floor and was again up every two hours last night. Not easy on Mama's back! She does NOT seem to adjust to change well and has always been like that; the smallest change in routine completely throws us off. Also, last Thursday night, Rayne and I were both up all night sick with the flu (I guess). I was so sick on Friday, I couldn't move and it was horrible feeling like I wasn't taking care of her. Luckily, she mostly wanted to sleep too and we could just snuggle on the couch. But then, not feeling THAT much better, I got up and tried to pack us up on Saturday and get us to our new place. Not fun especially when I was still dealing with baby diapers and throw up.

So anyway, I am really positive. Sorry to complain.
Rayne is doing a lot better but still fussy and not real great. On a good note, it's beautiful where we live now (Lake Point). We take long wandering walks and talk to horses and llamas and dogs. Rayne calls everything a dog, but is trying to say the new words. A lot of people have a lot of irises in their yards. These used to be my favorite flower and I am remembering why. They are so graceful and strong but delicate looking. Today we walked up a hill of a road. It felt very country. From the top we could look out over the little city and out to the Great Salt Lake. On the way home I felt rejuvenated enough to run (don't be impressed. I'd run for about two seconds and then have to walk to catch my breath, but...) Rayne laughed a lot at going fast. So, life can't be so bad, right?

The Math Doesn't Add Up

2010-04-25T20:25:00.004-07:00

Today I cleaned... let me rephrase that... Today I vacuumed my car. It's embarrassing to admit, but this is the first time since the baby was born that it's been vacuumed. EW! Jeff and his mom cleaned it out while I was in the hospital. It was full of dog hair. As I cleaned today, there was still a lot of dog hair! EW! And I had my baby in there!?
Perhaps it sounds worldly, but my car is one of my most prized material possessions. Not because it's really cool or fancy or expensive, but because I worked hard to get it and it's mine. I didn't get a car until I graduated from college and had a good job. And I had it nearly paid off by the time I got married. I took such good care of my car. Regular trips to the doctor (ie. Jiffy Lube). Regular baths. Etc etc. It truly saddened me that it was so dirty today. So dirty that there are some places I don't know if I'll ever get clean.
What happened???

I started writing the following a couple weeks ago, but couldn't get anywhere with it:

As I lay in bed the other night, I was thinking of all the things in my life that just aren't me. This wasn't as negative as it sounds, I was actually being constructive. But how can I claim that things aren't me, when all the choices and their consequences are obviously falling around me? So I started thinking of what I think I am and what I used to be...

I always paid my bills on time. I never overdrew my checkbook. I had near perfect credit with nearly no debt. I had credit cards but my biggest fault was that I would use them to get something I wanted or needed rather than saving up and using cash. But I would always stop after I got so far- no where near the limits on the things- and pay it off before I would use it again.

I always went to church, paid my tithing, had callings, said my prayers, read scriptures.

I used to exercise and eat vegetables... at least I tried. I did my hair and wore make-up and nice clothes. I came to appreciate my body and be happy with how I looked. My confidence came from the inside and it started to show on the outside. I felt good about me.

I cleaned my house and took pride, in the right kind of way, in how it looked and felt to be there.

Things are different now. Sometimes it feels like things are just a big mess- especially financially. I have hope and feel like we are getting back on track and sometimes I even feel okay about everything.

It was kind of good for me to clean the car today. It made me feel like I was taking charge and realize that this is NOT how I am, this is NOT the way I do things and so... I'm not going to anymore.

Accidentally in Love

2010-04-14T20:13:00.002-07:00

The words and tune are awesome! So happy. So what falling in love should be. You're just going along and suddenly find yourself so connected to this person that you can't live without them. There's a deepness to it, but a happiness to it. The song says something like a "snowball running... can't explain it but I can't ignore it."

I had a philosophy instructor in college ask if we fall or jump into love. When he called on me, I said I thought we walk really close to the edge and hope to be pushed. He thought this was brilliant. So brilliant in fact that a year later in a different class at a different college, he remembered me and told me how brilliant it was and that he tells every class what I said when he gets to that lecture/discussion.

Falling, jumping, walking the edge, happening by accident as if fate or destiny or some power beyond yourself is in control was perfect when I was in high school and I'd get up in the morning looking forward to the one class when I could walk down the one hallway to see the one guy I'd been hoping to see all day. "Love" was emotionally and hormonally charged and everything was intense. This was even better when I was in college and the person I was really falling in love with was myself. Having confidence, I could truly give of myself and fall for someone for who he really was and knowing him on the inside. And, perfectly, I think I accidentally fell in love when I met my husband. One day it was like being hit in the head with how much I enjoyed talking to this person and how sad I was to see him leave for the night. The flirtations came naturally, unplanned, unguarded, no games, no plans. And the deepness just happened. The trust, the desire, the closeness. No work, no effort, no show. Just natural.

Could I accidentally fall in love now? I don't think so. My heart is committed elsewhere and I'm simply not walking that edge. Logically, in some way, I guess it makes sense when people say something, an affair, cheating, leaving your lover for another, just happened. Perhaps you work on a project with someone at work or school and feelings develop as you get to know them. Maybe an old flame comes back and reignites something. Or a friend gets a bit too close. But to make love out of this?

Love is more than a feeling, it's an action. Like I said, my heart is taken, so I just don't get it. But even setting that aside, you would have to choose to take that step. Even if all you chose was to walk the edge where your life no longer belongs.

Don't know why I'm posting about this

2010-04-12T19:53:00.003-07:00

I walked in on the end of Oprah today. It was about child molesters. In the part I caught, Oprah was telling people that they can teach their kids, therefore protect them, by telling them that they have control over their bodies and if something doesn't feel right, it's okay to say no. She said that a 5 year old doesn't know how to do this but when they are older, it's important that they have the words etc. By "empowering" kids this way, they can protect themselves because a molester doesn't want a fuss. If you "don't let" him, he'll go find an easier victim and leave you alone.
This is probably good advice for kids to know.
But it bothered me what it implies about anyone who has been hurt this way. Like if you were old enough to "know" better and you didn't say anything it's kind of your own fault. Also, I've heard it's common for victims to think they are saving the perpetrator from hurting anyone else, like younger siblings, by taking the abuse themselves. By refusing, they might just be sending him to hurt someone else and they wouldn't want that to happen.

Getting Orientated

2010-04-04T20:00:00.003-07:00

Last Thursday, I went to orientation at the U with Khrys. It was a significant day for her and I was glad she asked me to accompany her. I've always wanted/felt a need to be a good example for Khrys, James and Gina and college is something I really wanted them to know was a great thing. And it was really fun taking my baby with us. Education is something I want my children to value.

Selfishly, I was also excited to be there for me. I wanted in some way to reconnect with myself. Being at the U was some of the greatest time in my life. I found myself. I found confidence. I realized that I liked myself. I just wanted to go back and remember some of the feelings I had while I was there to give me strength in my new life.
As we sat at the orientation, I had the strangest feeling. It was so strong, I felt like I would throw up. It wasn't a positive thing, but it's not like it was a bad thing either. I kept thinking of the movie Back to the Future when there are two Martys running around and he has to be careful not to run into himself. I imagined that what I was feeling would be like sensing a past or future self without really knowing they were present. The memories, the places, it was all so vivid, it was like I could reach out and touch my past self. She was just through the wall, down the hill, in the next building.
I think I was also sensing possibility. One of my favorite authors is Richard Bach. He often writes of new age thinking and "goes back" to deliver messages to his past selves. He believes (perhaps for real, perhaps just theoretically like I like to think of it) that for every decision we make, we split into several or many alternate selves. It's like multiple dimensions. Every decision you make, you continue to live the life that follows that path. But there are other "yous" that chose the other options and are following those paths. Being at the U was like being in contact with all those alternate paths. If I wouldn't have held back here, if I would have followed that, if something else would have worked out... so many possibilities!
Then we broke from the meeting and went to talk to advisors. The students were grouped by their intended major and by the time Khrys got to her advisor, there was just her and one other guy. We talked to him briefly and he was planning to study Classical Greek because he wants to go into the clergy. He had the kindest eyes. It was exciting! The people you meet at a University are amazing! They are of my tribe, if I can be so bold as to claim it. Smart. Educated. Dreamers. Planners. Doers.
I sat in the lobby while the two of them went in to talk to the advisor. Rayne played on the floor and kissed her baby doll making that sound I sometimes make when I kiss her "mmm-muh!" And that's probably about when it came clear. Then or later as we sat eating the yummy sandwiches I used to buy at the Union and wanted to make sure Khrystine sampled and Rayne ate most her snacks off the floor. My life, where I'm at now, is where I'm at. All those possibilities are entertaining to look at, even now looking back. But I am where I am because it's what I chose and it's what is right and it's MY life.
Things now aren't always what I thought they would look like. There are some things I am really struggling with. But if I can get everyone else's voice out of my head, I think I'm doing okay. I can even say that for the most part, I am happy. Life won't always look like this. Things will change and get better (I hope). For now, I'll just be where I'm at.
It just may be that for the first time since I graduated, I've closed the door on that wonderful experience and am ready to move on holding onto the tangible things it gave me instead of unreal possibilities.

Huh!?!?!?!

2010-03-23T20:57:00.003-07:00

Tonight as I went to get in the shower, I felt a bit vulnerable. Rayne and Grandma had gone to bed and Jeff was still at school. I don't like leaving Rayne even long enough to shower if no one is there to get her. But I'm pretty quick at showering when I have to be and I can hear her through the wall. You know how those thoughts enter your mind though and I started being afraid of being home alone with just the three of us. It's not like we could fight anyone off if we had to and I wondered if Grandma left the back door unlocked for Jeff to come home. I thought that if someone came in and robbed us or worse hurt my baby, I would never forgive myself. It would be all my fault.
Okay, moment of rational thinking. It's not totally unreasonable to be concerned and safe. And if something huge and tragic like that happened, you would blame yourself. But this train of thought was interesting to me because I'd spent the day with mom trying to figure out some of my life and as I showered I realized that even if someone mean and evil and horrible were to break into my house and hurt my loved ones, I would still blame myself. It wouldn't, in a way, be the bad guy's fault. I'm the one that didn't protect myself when I know there are people like that out there.
Huh!?!?!?!
Is everything my fault?

Sunny day

2010-03-12T22:09:00.002-07:00

I feel like I have had a crazy busy week... but in a good way.
Ben and Melanie have been here and it was SO great seeing them. I love them so much and it's so fun seeing their kids and how they are growing.
Last Sunday we finally got Rayne blessed. It was such a happy and uplifting day for me. I have felt happy and calmed all week long.
This week we also got Jeff finally officially enrolled in school. This is the first time he actually seems happy and excited about it. We've both said that even if he doesn't like it, he just has to stick with it this time. I'm hoping that this will be the time it will click. I feel like there have been some answered prayers in getting this all taken care of and even making it possible so here's hoping. He's also been working for three weeks now at a seasonal tax job. It's hard, he's up at 4 everyday for work, but it's felt like a positive thing and he likes it there.
I feel like I am really putting in extra effort to be a "good" wife and mother. I want to support Jeff in working and school and I still am so fascinated by my baby. She is over 10 months old now! The time is flying by. She crawls all over the house and is starting to get really uninhibited. My only real complaint (haha :) is that she crawls all over the bed when I change her diaper. It takes like 15 minutes to get it done and ends with me tackling her and trying to pin her down. She is also bound and determined to dive off the edge of the bed so I am getting lots of exercise running around it catching her.
I'm wishing this was a better more thought out post but I'm trying to keep my goal of posting more often. The last day or two haven't been as good as the first of this week and I've been a bit down about a few things. So, it's good to remember the good stuff and feel like I'm catching up a bit. Rayne and Jeff are both sleeping and it's really weird for ME to be the one awake... I better go join them! We're still not sleeping through the night, but I think we are getting better... maybe.

Feb 12 Journal entry

2010-02-25T21:53:00.003-07:00

Recently I watched a reality show about a woman having her 19th baby. The baby was delivered early because of complications. Not even 1 1/2 pounds, the show focused on some of the struggles of the family, parents, and baby. As a new mom recently having gone through a pregnancy and delivery, I felt I could relate in a whole new way. I cried for this mother and baby, empathizing in some way with the fear and prayers she would be experiencing. I also cried in extreme gratitude for my healthy, beautiful baby and that things were always so normal.

Beginning a couple months before Rayne was born, we moved in with Jeff's dad's family. If I'm honest, which is hard even with myself, I was miserable. There were things that made it NOT a good situation. Then happened some things that deeply affected mine and Jeff's relationship that were really bad. In retrospect, I don't know why I put up with or endured any of it. Was I so weak that I allowed myself to be treated that way in fear of losing this relationship? If I could allow myself to be treated this way, it didn't say much about me or the relationship to make it worth saving. I've even felt great regret that I would take my baby home to a place, to a life, that felt like that. I've wondered if I can forgive myself for doing that. And I've feared that when I remember the precious experience of my first baby, instead of the sweet thing it was, I'll remember all the trials and bad stuff.

Tonight I prayed a bit about this, not even knowing what to say. As I sang primary songs and held Rayne and put her to bed, the thought came to me that not all births are perfect. Like the mother in the t.v. show, sometimes all we can do is pray. In a sense, we had our own trials and struggles to get through. And we did.

I will try to remember the awesomeness of Rayne's birth. What it felt like to see her the first time, the complete peace and happiness I felt the first days at the hospital. I will remember our walks, singing songs and looking at trees. I will focus on the way she'd look at me and study me and when she learned to smile. I will especially remember our October in Lake Point and her two sweaters and purple hat and the long walks and running up and down the halls and that things finally were okay again.

And then... I'll just keep trying to be stronger and make things better.

Before and After

2010-02-12T12:41:00.002-07:00

When I had my own apartment, with free basic cable, I would often spend several hours on Saturday watching Law and Order. I especially liked SVU. I liked seeing the bad guys get caught and I liked seeing intelligent people on t.v. (I should clarify, I would do other things while watching, not a complete couch potato!).
Eventually, I guess I got bored or got my fill because I didn't watch as often, but then I got pregnant. I always felt like I was sensitive to the crude, violent, mean, loud, obscene, etc etc. But being pregnant and feeling this little spirit, this innocent little life so fresh from heaven intensified the sensitivity. I just could not tolerate ANYTHING. Even Law and Order was too much to handle.
I also used to have a guilty pleasure, when the mood struck, of enjoying shows on the Disney channel and things like Full House and 7th Heaven.
Well, the other day, I turned on 7th Heaven just to have something on while Rayne was playing. It seemed like a nice mellow thing to be watching. Okay, and I was having a guilty pleasure day. But guess what? I REALLY enjoyed it this day. Some channel was having a marathon or something and I watched several episodes while Rayne played. I felt so uplifted. I enjoyed, not just in my silly, embarrassed to admit it way, the purity of it, the values, and yes, even the complete sap and corniness :)
Then, another day, we rented the movie My Sister's Keeper. I thought it was really well done. It's about a girl who is genetically engineered to be a match for her older sister who has cancer. But it was actually about a lot more than that. It was SO depressing and sad but also, I think, had a good message and a bit of uplifting thoughts. Watching it as a mother, I'm sure, was SO different than it would have been seeing it before I had a daughter. Some things, I could barely stand to watch or think about because I now KNOW what it's like to have a child. I could relate to the decisions being made in a whole new way.
We also watched the episode of 19 Kids and Counting when the 19th baby is born and the mother is having a lot of complications and is only about 6 months pregnant. I could have imagined and sympathized with it before and cried, but sitting there holding my sleeping baby... whoa! Life is a different place now.
(P.S. Maybe I am a couch potato?)

Comfort in the Blogosphere

2010-02-03T14:15:00.002-07:00

I am determined to get back to blogs. I have spent some time on facebook and it's SO impersonal. I reconnected with a few people I really missed, but I've lost those of you here that really count :) And, Emily, didn't you once send me your facebook? and I couldn't get on at work or something? Well, now I'm there and not even finding you yet! So, what's the point? It's also got me friending people who are rude to me or to each other through me. What's up with that!? So, I want to avoid it a bit for a while. And I really miss the intimacy of blogging.

Life is still going on for me. Rayne will be 9 months old this Saturday! NINE MONTHS! I can't believe it. This last month has felt huge. She's been rolling all over the place- I can barely get her diaper changed. And she scoots all over her grandma's kitchen on a slick floor in her walker. Her two teeth are adorable and I think she's trying for more. She "talks" and interacts with us A LOT. She's just awesome.

Jeff is still unemployed. He worked at a temp job last year at this time at the tax commission (where his mom works). He's hoping to do that again, being someone they know and liked and given that the people they hire first are people who are returning. BUT, his mom says they have a new program, are cutting the temp budget, and last she heard they are only taking on like 10 people for the season. Oh well.
At least our finances are doing better and we are now living at his grandma's, which is a lot more peaceful than where we were. We've been at his mom's for the last 2 weeks while they were out of town and while grandma gets her water heater replaced. His mom lives in Lake Point, which I think I've talked about before. It's too cold to take walks, but I quite like it out here.

I have been feeling more productive lately, mostly meaning I feel like I could or should be doing more, not that I'm actually doing anything. I keep thinking I'm going to have to find some work but when I think of it in terms of leaving my baby, I still don't think she or I am ready for that.

And as expected, this is scattered and I have to go... but it's a start :)

Me who?

2009-12-02T11:52:00.001-07:00

I miss blogging. I barely get to my email now a days. :(

Beauty Marks

2009-11-06T12:38:00.002-07:00

Yesterday, Grandma had a doctor show on t.v. as I was going back and forth with the baby. "Up next" was going to be a new method for getting rid of stretch marks that "really works." I was truly saddened by this.
As the preview said, I had stretch marks going through puberty that I hated. But gladly, they faded and I learned to accept myself etc.
Now I have stretch marks on my belly from having a baby and I honestly am proud of them. Not the kind of proud like wear a bikini and not care what people think proud. But proud that my body has accomplished something so miraculous and amazing and beautiful. Why get rid of that? Why hide it and be ashamed of it? It's a part of me- a physical sign of where I've been and what I've done.
I've never been so in love with and proud of my body as I am now.

(A bit scattered) Bless those that hurt you

2009-10-25T13:26:00.002-07:00

Jesus said love everyone. Even our enemies. Curse them that hate you. Forgive those that trespass against you etc. I have been able to understand this to a certain extent. I don't wish bad on anyone. I can see wanting to share the gospel with those that we think are "bad" or "evil." But what about when it gets personal?
I always wondered about people who have really been wronged- if someone murdered a family member, what would it mean to forgive? Certainly, forgiveness is also for the person doing the forgiving; it's not good to carry hurt and anger etc. There are certain sins that I find unforgivable and in this regard just try not to think about, child abuse for example.
But what of smaller things that we all probably deal with? What if your enemy is someone hurting you or threatening your family? And I don't mean someone breaking in your house or some traumatic experience. I mean the things we deal with on a more subtle level. Someone so demanding of your time that it takes away from your family. Someone with a bad spirit who brings bad feelings to you or your children. Perhaps forgiveness isn't really the topic, but my question is something like that.
Can I pray FOR my enemies, while still praying that they go away? Can I bless those that are hurting me while still hoping for justice?

Win the battle, win the war?

2009-09-21T09:16:00.003-07:00

The other day we were struggling with a lot of stuff. I sat outside with the baby just trying to remember to breathe. I prayed and basically said, "if I'm going to lose the battle and everything's just going to fall apart anyway, please just let it hurry and happen." The thought came quite quickly to me "then what's the point of fighting the battle?" The idea of a battle isn't actually how I started to pray. I was asking about some very specific things going on in our life, I just want to leave that out here. The battle idea came in the answer.
It seems to me that we are taught to choose the right, pray for everything, follow God's plan... all the things we want our children to know is true and out there. But it seems to me that it so easily leads to thinking that things are set in stone. If I choose the wrong job, school, outfit :), I might just mess up my eternal destiny. Destiny. What does that word mean and does it even exist? What I learned in this prayer, and what I seem to continue to learn in life, is that it's not all set. I suddenly remembered that there is this ongoing war between good and evil/right and wrong and THAT's why it's important to "choose the right." Not right like on a multiple choice test, but right in the sense of what are you fighting for? What are you defending and pursuing?
If God knows the answer and the outcome, it's hard to want to figure it out ourselves. But isn't that the point of life? In my situation, it's not destined that certain things happen or not. What is destined is that I'm at this point making these decisions and I have to decide to keep fighting or not. How I'm going to fight. What I'm fighting for.
I guess this is still a bit vague without specific examples. But it helped me to think that I'm not being overcome by my surroundings, but actually trying to serve God just by living my life. And my life, my family, my desires and values ARE worth fighting for.
With a little bit of faith, we might just win the war.

Am I Pretty?

2009-08-30T18:14:00.003-07:00

So I took a picture of myself because I was feeling pretty and I wanted to remember. Pictures don't do people justice most the time. Even my baby looks a little washed out and not herself in pictures. This isn't what I looked like, but it was a good day anyway.
This was last Saturday. I think by today, I've forgotten. Oh well.

I was going to post about how being a mom and seeing my baby has given me a new definition of pretty and a better expectation of myself. Ah well, busy busy.... maybe one day I'll get back to those thoughts.

P.S. I felt pretty not just on the outside, but on this day, I felt like a good wife and mom. I've needed to feel pretty and capable lately. I've kind of been struggling.

Everything's going to be alright

2009-08-19T08:54:00.000-07:00

Just thought you should know.

Response to a Parent's Lament

2009-08-13T09:22:00.001-07:00

My dad has always said, especially to my brother, that we won't know how much he loves us until we have our own kids. I can't imagine anyone loving me as much as I love my baby. But I'm starting to see it.
As I've faced some trials of late and dealt with grown up things, my parents (and Kiki too!) have been there for me so completely I'm almost overwhelmed feeling loved and cared for. To see my hurt in their eyes is truly incredible. I'm sorry to cause them that, but the love I feel coming toward me is like nothing I've felt before.
For this, I am truly grateful.

Friday morning

2009-08-02T12:28:00.003-07:00

We woke up with food on the shelf and I can't tell you how good that felt! I was actually able to keep my emotions pretty well under control, I think because I was fed!
I did laundry all day and in the afternoon bathed my baby. We have still been doing the sponge bath thing. I don't know if people think that makes me a bad mom or not, but even the doctor said not to bath her too much because her skin will dry out. But, she is getting bigger now and in the heat etc it seems that bathing needs to become a more regular thing (not that my baby is uncared for or dirty! We do just fine with washing her and getting her clean). The thing is, it's hard here to even have a place to wash her. She quickly outgrew the bathroom counter and the kitchen is always messy and/or crowded with people. But Friday, it was cleaned up and most people were gone. I had had an idea for easing Rayne into a "real" bath a while ago, so it was a good chance to try it. I started with the sponge bath- laying her on the counter and wetting her down and soaping her up in sections. We sang songs and made jokes and she does really well that way. When I got to her bottom half, instead of rinsing her with the washcloth, I put her in the little bathtub and guess what!? She seemed to like it!!!!
It was so fun. She kicked her legs and then she kicked some more. She even smiled!!! THIS is how it's supposed to go.

I really am feeling a peace that I haven't felt before. I think even though I knew in my heart I couldn't leave her, I expected so much confrontation and to have to fight for what I believed in. I even tried, at times- mostly before she was born- to convince myself that I might just have to work. But now that it's over, it's settled, the decision is made and done, I feel so right. I feel safe. I can look at her and feel confident that I am doing the right thing. It's a feeling of safety and peace... I really can't describe it any other way. And those feelings are very important to me.

It is an evil world that would pull a suckling babe from it's mother's breast

2009-07-28T10:30:00.004-07:00

Anyone who knows me, knows of my timid nature and my inability to assert or defend myself. Logically, again anyone who knows me and my situation, knows there is no reason I should have to defend myself. Emotionally however, I feel like I do. Perhaps it is only in the false sense of privacy on my own blog that I have the nerve to do so. And just so you know, this is in regard to several things and several people...

No one knows the tears I cried the last time I was alone in my apartment. As I stood looking at the empty bedroom, I wept for the dreams that were now stored away in a box somewhere. I cried remembering the day we moved in, the day we brought the dog home, the day we found out we were having a baby, our happy times, our future hopes. I cried for our feeling of being HOME. No one understands the pain of putting that all on hold and what we lost that day.

No one knows the tears I cried nearly everyday for nine months as I kneeled in a bathroom throwing up, sick, I think, because I wasn't eating . Or the fear I felt every time I lay alone in a sick room at work, on doctors orders, because my legs and ankles were so swollen and my blood pressure so high. How I prayed that things would be okay. That my marriage would make it through, that my baby would survive and that somehow I would have the strength to keep carrying it all.

No one knows the hurt I feel, the secret tears I cry for him, when I see my husband, day after day, shot down for jobs, told no one is hiring, even called a loser by his own father and told he will lose his wife and baby if he doesn't start doing differently. Perhaps only I can see the hurt, the broken pride, the fear he feels, and only I know that it's not a matter of won't, but can't.

No one knows the fear, the doubt, the questions of putting aside a good education and a decent job with great people to follow your faith, your inspirations, your beliefs to do what is right. To say this is the easy way or to think I am lazy, only means you haven't had to take the steps I'm taking. This is the hardest thing I've ever done and NOTHING in my life right now is easy. The only joys I have are when my baby smiles at me or when she is sleeping peacefully or when my husband holds me and tells me he loves me.

No one knows the tears I cry when my baby has colic and reflux and cries in pain, looking straight into my eyes with complete trust that I will be the one to fix it when all I can really do is look back at her and wait for the pain and fear to pass. No one knows how the stupid remarks and bad advice from people who don't know hurt me. You don't know how hard it is to breast feed if you haven't done it. You don't know the exhaustion of being up every two hours for months, of not sleeping because you have to be awake and alert to give to this other person. And then to have people come in and want to take her away, to give their advice for things they know nothing of, to make you feel like you're failing as a mother, the only thing that's ever mattered to you... it hurts like nothing you can imagine.

No one knows, when I sit alone feeding my baby, the tears I cry because I have no home. I live somewhere where I'm not even comfortable enough to take care of my baby or myself, where my husband and I are insulted and treated without respect and I just have to be thankful. I can't fix my husband dinner and I watch him go hungry and can only feed my baby because a wise God made it possible for my body to do so. Six weeks from giving birth, I weighed less than when I got pregnant, not because I'm healthy and losing the baby weight, but because I am hungry. I try not to complain, to count my blessings, obviously I'm not starving and there are people worse off than I am. But I am hungry, the kind of hungry where you get dizzy and pass out. Even so, the only reason I got food stamps is at the persistence of people trying to take care of me. My "pride" won't let me see myself as needy. I have worked my butt off for years to be self reliant, I act strong when I am not, and I certainly have paid into "the system." I have served and given when I can.

I am not the kind of person to take the easy way out. I have been taking care of myself and others since I was 12 years old. The weight of various worlds have been placed on my shoulders and if I so much as flinch under the weight, I can't tell you how many people will fall apart. No one knows the tears I've cried as I've prayed so fervently to know the right things to do. And I dare say that no one knows the tears of joy I have also felt as God has led my life, given me help when I dared not ask for it, and the tears of gratitude as I've learned the means whereby he cares for his children.

I have given up nearly everything I have. I have not been able to buy one thing for my baby as a new mother would want to do. Nothing I have is my own. Even my marriage has to be fought for now because of outside influences. To think for one minute that I'm going to also leave my baby in the hands of people I cannot and do not trust... (I had to delete those words). We are doing the best that we can and it hurts like you can't imagine that it's not enough.

To all the no ones in my life, thank you for being there. Thank you for your understanding, your support, your encouragement and your help.

A Gold Mine of Faith

2009-07-23T22:13:00.002-07:00

Last Sunday I watched a talk by President Hinckley, I think given in 1997. It was a year before the 150th year celebration of the pioneers coming to Utah and he talked of their faith. He said that Brigham Young must have been a prophet to foresee staying in the valley. No one else would have stayed in such a desolate place and called it the promised land!
He also talked of a group of people that held the belief that surely President Young was smart enough to continue on to California for the gold rushes. But President Young told them otherwise. He said that they would be far richer staying here than by going to any gold mine there. When I listened, I understood it to mean actual rich as in taken care of materially and not just a richness of spiritual blessings. Perhaps I sound flippant in saying that? I just mean it's hard to remember your spiritual blessings when there's no food on the table and I understood this as saying they would actually be better taken care of by having the faith to stay where it looked like nothing was going to grow. Anyway, my point is...
When I turned the t.v. over to the talk, I hoped to hear something I needed to hear. I felt like it was addressed to me. We shall be richer by doing what we know is right than by following our fear to the supposed security and sureity of the "gold mines."

To Me

2009-07-21T22:53:00.004-07:00

Yay JoAnna!
Good job you!
You're doing the right thing.

These are things I need to hear right now.

Yesterday I did something hard for me. I felt dumb the way I did it because I felt I should approach it a different way but couldn't get myself to be strong and do it that way. But I did it my way and told myself all day it was okay to do things the way I need to do them.

Tonight, I needed to do something and spent two hours trying to not only get the baby taken care of so I could do it, but also trying to wrap my head around how to get it done, being in someone else's house. I kind of also kept waiting for someone else to take care of something, feeling that it wasn't my place to do it or I would do it wrong or get in the way etc but it needed to be done before I could do what I needed to do. Finally, I just said I had to be strong and take charge and do what I needed to. So, I did the other thing and then I did what I needed to the way I could do it. Even though it seemed like a small thing, it felt like an accomplishment.

Today I called my work and told them I won't be coming back. My boss is out of town and the person who is second in command has to find out what needs to be done for me to quit (paperwork etc) and get back to me. So, it's not over yet, but I took the next big step.
I was so scared I was shaking. I guess I was scared of making people mad at me. Afraid they'd tell me I couldn't? It probably doesn't make sense, but I was nervous. I was also nervous about whether I'm doing the right thing. I know when I look at my baby that leaving her is not an option. But when I talk to Jeff or some of our parents and think about our finances, it's hard to think that walking away from the job is right (this is when I'm not thinking of Rayne in the equation). We needed diapers this week and I was thinking of a few necessities that now we won't even have an income to get. It's really scary. But, I know that it's the right thing. I'm going on faith here, not to mention the grace of other people. I have felt a calmness. I'm very happy to think of being home with my baby. I feel so much better when I can look her in the eye and KNOW I'm not going to leave her.

For all these things, I just have to say yea. Good job me. Take a deep breath and know that things will be alright. Keep praying.

Just for fun

2009-07-15T15:21:00.003-07:00

I decided what I want for my birthday :)
I'm not asking for this and doubt that I will get it, but it's been a while since I wanted or asked for anything so I thought it would be good for my mentality to say it out loud. I think some of you will get that...

I want one of those cool rocker/glider chairs that have the foot rests that glide too!
I sat in one at ShopKo last night and it would be so great to have a nice chair to sit in to hold my baby. It was so supportive and comfy at the same time. They were on sale for a decent price, but we have no money and we probably don't have space for one. But still, it felt good to want something.

(I should correct myself. I have asked for things lately. A lot of things. And people, especially mothers, have been very good about helping me and taking care of me. I just mean, it's been a while since I wanted something just because JoAnna wanted it and not out of necessity and/or for survival. It felt significant).

Celebrate

2009-07-12T20:39:00.002-07:00

JEFF SAID I CAN QUIT MY JOB!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I am so excited... no, excited isn't the word. I feel such relief and calmness. It's scary to think of quitting my job when we have no other income. But since we actually made that decision, it's like I can see our life falling into place and I'm not scared anymore. I think that means it's the right thing to do.
For the last month at least, it's like I've been gearing myself up for war. I have really felt like I know what's right and I'm going to have to insist on it. To the point that I've been afraid that I will have to say this is what is right and what I'm doing and here's my back-up plan (ie. a way I'll do it on my own) if you don't want to support that. It's not like I really think Jeff would leave me because I quit my job, but somehow I just felt that fear anyway.
But, this is how it happened.
On the way to his mom's house Friday evening, Jeff said "have you put in your two weeks notice at your job yet?" It wasn't completely out of nowhere, but I can't remember what we were talking about and I'm pretty sure it didn't lead much into this. The last time we talked, he'd told me I'm going to have to go back and I started to cry and told him I didn't want to talk about it then (the baby was crying) and that I think it would be really bad for me to leave her. So, when he asked this, I wasn't sure how he meant it. I said I didn't think I could quit. He said he thought it's what we had planned on and HE was the one to tell me that it just didn't seem like it would make that much difference, we're living without my income now anyway etc. I was actually quite surprised.
I think we got interrupted because we stopped to get gas or something. Then we drove to his mom's. At some point, just to make sure it wasn't just the decision in this conversation and would change tomorrow, I asked if he was really okay with me quitting. He said he was and told me that he wants me to be home with the baby; when he talks about me working, he's just trying to be realistic. I think it's time we have some lessons in faith :)

Forgetting happily ever after?

2009-07-05T14:03:00.003-07:00

Once upon a time, I didn't think it was lazy for a woman to quit her job to take care of her children. Once upon a time, I didn't think it was selfish to ask the dad to go to work to support the family while the mom stayed home to take care of them. Now, even as I work day and night constantly giving my physical and emotional energy to my baby, I'm starting to feel like it's selfish and lazy to ask that of him. Am I forgetting?

Once upon a time, I learned confidence as I worked through college, talking to really smart guys and taking really hard physics tests. People liked me and I was just as smart even on days when I didn't wear make up. Once upon a time, I learned self esteem as I stood before students and taught them a hard subject and they praised me for my talents. It wasn't just their praise that gave me self esteem, but the feeling of doing something I loved and was good at and was me. Am I forgetting?

Once upon a time, I had a vision of who I wanted to be today. The grace with which I would carry myself. The beauty I would portray. The strength and femininity I would emulate. Am I forgetting?

I woke up happy today, determined. Determined not to let the world run me, but to rule my own little kingdom and to remember...

Faith and Prayers

2009-07-03T11:54:00.003-07:00

I have been so touched by people willing and WANTING to help me and my baby. We are going through some tough times right now but I worry I'm melo-dramatic or something. Have I made things out to be so bad when really they're not? I hope not. We do need some help and I feel there are big decisions to be made.
I've always wanted, as you all know, to be a stay at home mom. I believe this is so important. But now that she is here, it seems like an impossible dream and yet I know with every part of me that I can't leave her. Jeff says just because I have to go to work doesn't mean I'm not her mom. But it would feel that way. And especially at this point in her life, I think it would be that way. Anyway...
I have to be home with my baby and I'm praying so hard and trying so hard to think up a miracle to make it possible. I just wanted to say thanks to everyone for talking, listening, praying, and doing. I really am awed by how much people care and want to help. For the record, Jeff too wants me to be home, he just doesn't see that it's possible. It is scary to quit my job when we have no other income. But I think I have to. Is that okay? Will faith really pull me through?
There are some options for food and health care and living arrangements. That's all that really matters at this point to me. I'm not really sure what to ask for. I thought the other night that if Jeff could just get a job, he'd be okay with me staying home and I could quit asking so many questions. I wanted to ask everyone to pray for that. Something's gotta give. I'm going to take this leap and hope we fly on some more meaningful plane.

Thoughts on Love

2009-06-15T10:03:00.002-07:00

People have often told me that you just can't imagine what it feels like to love someone the way you love your own children. Some people have said it as an expression of the love they feel for their kids and an excitement for me to someday feel that too. Other people, I've felt like say it more like they belong to this exclusive club I had yet to be a part of. Either way, I always wondered if I really couldn't imagine what it would be like. I knew what it felt like to think about having babies; were my own feelings really that limited by lack of experience?
And, more importantly, I felt like I had experienced a love kind of like that. I was 11+ when my little sister was born. Our niece and nephew followed soon after. I often called my sister "my baby" as an expression of how I felt for her. I was there on her first day of kindergarten and I cried too. I was there to pick Gina up from school and try to help deal with some of her issues with her mom even when she was so young. And Jamesy- my Jamesy- was only 2 or 3 when I graduated from high school and I spent a lot of time taking care of him. He's getting ready to graduate from high school and I still feel like he's my boy. The love I have for him, for all 3 of these kids, will never go away.
I have always referred to these kids as my kids, my babies. This was not at all intended to take away from their parents or anything like that. It was just an expression of how much I loved them.
I have a daughter now. I am so in love with her. That's what amazes me- the infatuation, the awesomeness, the fascination- I feel for her. In a lot of ways, it is like having a crush on someone and falling in love. That was a bit of a surprise. But honestly? The love I feel for her really is no more than what I've felt before, especially for my three other kids. I have more obligation and responsibility for Rayne, but I really feel like I've felt this way before. To me, it doesn't diminish what I feel for any of these people, it just compounds it.

Jeff said something once about me loving the baby more than I love him. I really hope he doesn't feel that way or feel neglected, although there has been a lot of adjustment. I can honestly say that the baby has 100% of my heart and Jeff too has 100% of my heart and soul. Doesn't that make 200%?
It does seem to me that some people's hearts are compartmentalized or something. If they've given- ever- any part of their heart to someone, it doesn't exist to give to anyone else. I can see that if you once love someone, no matter how it turns out, you might always love them. A part of you may always be theirs or with them or whatever. But is it really so untouchable ever again?

Which brings me to romantic love. I've been wondering why we insist on it being so exclusive? Not that I don't think it should be, I just wonder where that notion comes from (and no, Kiki, I'm not being unromantical, just asking the question). My grandmothers had to live with polygamy. How in the world did they deal with that? Why are some of us so jealous with such strict notions of fidelity while others have some other definition with lines of "just friends" drawn supposedly without a threat to the one true thing?

happy days

2009-06-07T11:00:00.003-07:00

I first want to say again how amazing it is to me how God answers our prayers. There is something I've been praying about for a while now and there have been times when I pray that exactly what I ask for happens that very day. Other times, I pray and pray about the issue and it hasn't been until I finally let go or listen and say maybe I need to ask this instead of that, and then this happens and makes things all okay. Recently again, things have happened to fix the situation and I know God is taking care of me. For that I am so grateful.

...

We spent yesterday and last night at Jeff's mom's house in Lake Point. We visited her in the morning and are house sitting. They have a big open multi level house on a lot of land. On one side of the house is a small cemetary which I guess some people would find creepy but I find it quite calming and it adds to the openness of the whole area. It is a quiet neighborhood with lots of open space, a good view of mountains, and yesterday I even had to go around people riding horses down the street. We can see the Salt Lake from the deck in back.
What I'm saying is, i love it here! i would love to buy my little log house on the manufactured lot and put it on some land out here and learn to plant a garden. it's so quiet and peaceful and really not that far from Salt Lake. Sigh... someday...
i have relaxed so much. there are two bathrooms here! and only the three of us. it's quiet and i'm not tripping over dogs (although i must admit we both miss our dog already). it's been so nice just being the three of us and being able to get in and find food and make dinner and eat it when we're ready. i even took a long shower with fabulous water pressure. i woke up today dreaming of scrapbook pages and really wanting to take a walk- what a difference!!!

Perfect

2009-06-05T09:28:00.001-07:00

The other day, Rayne sat in her bouncy seat on the kitchen counter while I ate some Cheerios. I was quite over come by her perfection. Of course, I think she has perfect features, but it wasn't just how she looked. She sat there looking around, just being a baby, but she was so perfect just being. She was completely everything she is.

There is a scripture in the D&C about the earth becoming celestial because it fills the measure of it's creation. I love that. Perfection is filling the measure of our creation- reaching our potential- being what we are and were made to be.

Being pregnant was the hardest thing I've ever done. Thankfully, labor wasn't as bad as I expected, but it still was something you can't imagine. My body has seriously been through... a very bad place :) I feel so good now not being pregnant. But I think part of that feeling good is feeling strong that I did it ... and lived. My body fulfilled its purpose.

Yesterday I went to mom's house and she, Khrystine and I spent a lot of the day looking at family pictures. I love pictures and scrapbooks and blogs etc. I felt a lot of love for everyone. Funny, but I also felt love for myself. As I see myself in relation to these other people and how we are all connected, it makes me feel good about even my little quirks. I even saw pictures of myself and... well, I'm pretty. I really get too hard on myself. Too stressed out about life. I need to just perfectly be me.

And now for a nice post

2009-05-23T11:03:00.002-07:00

Yesterday, we spent the afternoon at Jeff's grandma's with his grandma and mom. We took our laundry and guess what?!?! They did all my laundry, even folded it!, fed me lunch and let me take a nap. They even helped and were encouraging when the baby had a hard time eating.

The same thing happens at my mom's house. I can let mom or someone hold the baby and I can go to the bathroom, get something to eat, etc etc.

Thank heaven for good moms!

To anyone who will sympathize with irrational thoughts

2009-05-18T10:32:00.002-07:00

The baby had a rough day yesterday. Breastfeeding is hard. We get better at it, then have a rough time again. She cried a lot yesterday and we just kept trying and spent time trying to be calm.
When it was time for dinner, I could hear the upstairs t.v. in our room, which means it was up loud. Then Jeff opened our door to take some stuff up there and it was REALLY loud. That's not going to be good, I thought. I had just calmed the baby down and figured if I get upstairs and she starts screaming, people will either have to put up with it or it will be a good excuse to come back down and hide. So I got upstairs and she was okay but then I tried to put her in a little bouncy seat. This of course upset her. I tried to calm her with her binki and talking to her and they turned the t.v. up even louder!!! to hear over her. Thanks, that's going to help. I know babies are supposedly "used to noise" but I think it was different in the womb than all these new sensations.
When she didn't calm down, I took her out and went in the kitchen where we were at least away from people and rocked her and calmed her down. Then I went and sat in the living room and held her while I tried to eat.
So then "grandma and grandpa" want to hold her. I suppose I am a bit possessive but I get really nervous when other people have her. Not all people, just some. Some people can hold her all day long and I'm okay. I haven't had her upstairs much and have even told people no when they've wanted her because I had just calmed her or something. I thought I should "be nice" and give them a chance. Plus I knew she'd need to eat soon so if I could just go to the bathroom it would be good.
As soon as they took her, a stupid little chihuahua about jumped in her face and started barking and scared her half to death. I was so upset I wanted to cry. As dumb as it sounds, I had to just sit there trying to breathe, trying to "be nice" and give them a chance with the baby. It was freaking me out.
Sunday night is mine and Jeff's dish night. Everybody has a turn. So once we finished eating, I made him go start dishes while we had a spare second. I hated even being in a different room than the baby, especially if people were no more aware and concerned about the stupid dogs than that. I keep doing things, like dishes, because I feel good enough but then by the time I'm through, I'm pretty sore- like just from bending to put stuff in the dishwasher.
Then Jeff's dad came in the kitchen to see what we were doing. You wanna know what he said to me? He said, I know she's used to her mama and she calms down better for you than anyone else, but it would probably be good for her to get used to other people.
I simply said "why? I'm not going anywhere."
What I really wanted to say was "Look you stupid over bearing people. She's not even 2 weeks old yet. WE are still getting used to each other! I defy any of you to be sick everyday for 9 months, have aches and pains and weird things going on in your body that you can't even imagine, worry and pray everyday that the baby will even live and that your body is strong enough to support her life and THEN go through labor and contractions, which you can't even imagine or describe how they feel, push a baby out, bleed and leak and have absolutely NO privacy or dignity left (all while your poor husband is standing there watching), not to mention stitches in unmentionable places, be more exhausted than you've ever been in your life and quit sleeping, try breast feeding which is not an easy, nurturing, natural thing to do at all!, fall in love harder than you've ever been both with your baby and your spouse AND THEN WHAT??? Just walk away? So that she can "get used to" other people??? What do you think SHE'S been through in these 10 days? New sensations, new muscles, new everything!!! She needs some peace. She needs some comfort. So STAY AWAY FROM MY BABY you psycho, greedy, unhelpful people!"
Of course people offer to hold the baby, like you need help with that. Okay, sometimes I DO have to go the bathroom, but really what I need help with is things like taking out the garbage, doing the dishes, cleaning my room, doing laundry. Does anyone think of that? NO! And fine, I don't want them in my space anyway, but that means I don't want them in MY SPACE.

Aren't I ornery?

Hair Cuts Plus and The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants

2009-05-03T08:47:00.003-07:00

Actually, I think it was Great Clips. Yesterday I chopped off my hair. I haven't had shorter hair in years! I freakin love it! The lady was so great and spent the time to do a good job and tell me what she was doing and help me know how to do it myself.
If you can imagine, it looks even better today than when she did it yesterday. AND she (no I) used NO styling products- it feels so good! Usually it takes me a week to try to get it like they did it, give up and do it my own way and then feel a bit disappointed that it's not better. I spent a bit of time this morning- I'm quite awkward with round brushes AND hair dryers- but I really like it. Not sure what Jeff thinks yet though. Perhaps it was too much of a change for him.

In the process of yesterday, I spent some good time with my parents and Khrys. Of course, Dad didn't want to go to the hair place etc, leaving the girls to do our girlie thing. The hair place is right next to Starbuck's so after my hair, we went in for some incredibly good hot chocolate and lots of girl talk. I need a brighter lipstick or something to go with the hair. Any color suggestions?

Khrys keeps telling me and mom that we fit too well the "too good mother" archetype. Mom and I say yes we do and maybe we're push overs and sometimes we feel taken for granted. On the other hand, we don't want to change. We REALLY don't want to be like... we'll just say the opposite of what we are (no naming names). And so we talked...

This morning I woke up thinking... by the end of junior high, I had a pretty good group of friends. If you imagine us sitting at our lunch table, people would come and go but there was a pretty solid core group. We were all best friends, but throughout high school, people would come and go, sometimes not come back, and often we'd be a bit "paired up." Some weeks, Christine would be my best friend because she'd be the one to understand something I was going through. Other weeks, Christine and Heidi would be best friends because they went on a camping trip together and discovered all the fun things they have in common. It wasn't a big deal. No hurt feelings or jealousies or anything like that. It was just the ebb and flow of our friendships.

In a way, my friends helped me out of the shell I'd climbed into when I entered junior high. With my friends, I could at least fake it and be confident and popular or whatever. But, the reality was, throughout high school, I probably retreated more as I learned more about myself. I always saw it as a fear and a lack of confidence. In retrospect I see it as a protection, a valuing of myself and trying to protect that from a mean and vicious world. The point is, I do realize that a lot of what I'm about to say was my own doing.

Today I was thinking how I've always felt like the friend that was the constant. I was the friend that people could come to when they had problems or needed to talk and be listened to or just understood and accepted. But I was not the friend that you'd take out on a double date or to Lagoon or anything "fun" and adventurous. It just wasn't my style I suppose. I was the quiet friend. The one who often got overlooked.
In a group of girls, even if I was actually the prettiest :), boys wouldn't look at me because they wanted the loud, fun, flirty, easy, outgoing girl.
Even within my family, we often tease about who is the favorite. I really think my siblings have a lot more to offer because they have more dynamic personalities. It's their not being good or perfect that makes us value them more and we wouldn't want them to be any other way. I, on the other hand, need to be the constant. I am the good kid. I am the care giver, at least to our parents and the younger ones. I may not be the funnest or most interesting, but I have my place, my role.
One time I heard someone give a "personality test" that categorized you based on a line that showed your energy. One was a dotted flitting line, like a flying bee. This was for people who are a bit flighty but outgoing and busy and idealisitic. Another was a sharp zig zag type line for people who are more in control and proper and goal oriented. One was a flat line for people who are more about other people. They are like the mirrors that reflect the light rather than the candles giving it off. They are the calm. That, I knew, was me.
In college, I learned to be okay with that. I wasn't all those other things and I didn't really want to be. Somewhere along the way I learned what value there was in being the constant, the nice one, the reliable one. People need that friend just as much, if not more?, than any other type of friend. I was okay with myself. In fact I learned to like myself. And I started to trust that someday I would find that one guy who appreciated that in me. And really, I feel accepted and loved in my family so no worries there. I didn't need lots of friends, I just needed the ones I had. I didn't need a lot of dates, I just needed to fall in love. And, in my own way, I need to be the giving one in the family and feel like I serve them some kind of purpose for my own sanity.

All this being said, I still woke up today (perhaps in a bad mood with a stinky dog whining at and licking me and having to go the bathroom for the 3rd time in 6 hours etc) and instead of feeling the good things about being me, felt like I'm just being over looked again. Like I'm back in junior high world where people don't quite yet know to value that constant friend. It's like everyone wants to be in with the cool crowd and be friends with the loud and popular kids, have the hot girlfriend, and there I am... invisible.

I have just over a week (who really knows? Yikes!) until I become a mom. I don't want to be an invisible mom.
When Jeff told me he loved me, I felt finally someone had seen me for who I really am. At some point, I asked how he knew it and he told me all the things about me that I always wanted someone to see. I've felt confident in that for a long time now. But, I worry with all the changes etc, is he going to get bored? Is it really enough or does even he need that someone who is... different than what I have to offer?
And now I have new families. I don't know that they really see or can value my calm, constant nature. I know there are some of them it's hard for me to be around because even though I have absolutely no desire to be like them, I feel inferior because I'm not.

I don't want to be invisible. But how can the breeze not be without becoming a storm? How can the ebb and flow of the tide be anything but constant unless it rages? How can a mirror do anything but reflect back the world around it without breaking?

Prideful faith? or Powerful faith?

2009-05-01T12:19:00.004-07:00

There's a Christian song I haven't heard for a while that says "In me, is the faith to move mountains." I'm not sure if the song is about the power Christ has in our lives or if it's about the power we have through our faith. I guess it's kind of the same in my mind. I like the song and thinking that I have that strength within me.

Lately there's been all kinds of things floating like led through the air around us. Sometimes I pray desparately, knowing there is nothing I can do and feeling like I need to be rescued. Sometimes I don't even know what to pray for. Other times, my prayers are quite specific as I try to solve the problem or do something on my own to show action when all it really amounts to is my own idea of what might help (just a note, some of these prayers have been answered so quickly, so specifically that it makes me feel like I'm doing/asking something right. One of my favorite scriptures is when the Lord asks the brother of Jared what he would have Him do to put light in the vessels. I think it's a very good teacher and father that would help us to figure things out on our own).
Some of my strongest prayers lately, the ones that give me the most peace and direction, seem to come when I start to believe in my own faith. I've prayed asking for what I think I need, or even in the desparate times of not knowing, and started to think of other prayers that have been answered in my life. I've thought that my faith was strong enough to fix or help some situation before, it has to be worth something now. I've thought (perhaps to the point of insistence?) that my desire for what is good and right has to be stronger and win out over the scary stuff out in the world. That my trying to do the right things and be good and desiring what God has to give has to win out over things and people that are... well, just not doing these things. I've even wondered if my prayers can intervene to at least some extent for people who may not be looking for it just because of who they are to me... like I have some sort of jurisdiction as a wife, parent, even child, that my faith can have power in their lives even when they aren't looking for it (I know, that whole free agency thing, but that's what I mean. Is my faith strong enough, can I pray for things for people, like the parents of Alma the younger?)
I suppose it's hard to put in words when I don't want to give specific examples. But today I was walking into work and that song popped in my head. "In me is the faith to move mountains." I've been feeling like if I cling to this and trust in this, everything is going to be okay. I don't think it's a faith in myself really, the faith is in God to hear me, do what He can and will, and then help me through the rest. Perhaps it's more like a conviction or a resolution to focus on faith, to be believing, to trust and doubt not. Maybe that's what all those things mean.... to HAVE faith. Perhaps it's something that sometimes we have to cling to rather than just let be there.

A penny for your thoughts

2009-04-21T06:48:00.002-07:00

When someone says they love you, be it spouse, parent, friend, what do you think they see in you? What makes them love you? If you asked for reasons, what reasons would make you feel special? If someone were trying to "convince" you that you're loveable, that you're special, that you're "worth it," what would you need to hear?

Update

2009-04-17T15:48:00.002-07:00

Last week Jeff started school and a new job! Wow!
He is going to school at Utah Career College to go into IT (computer stuff). He has class three nights a week from 6 until about 10, depending on the night. It's hard having him gone but it turns out the one class is just every other week so that helps. And, that's what we're here for right?
His mom works for the state tax commission and knew about some temp jobs there. His job is seasonal through tax season but it's something. I was afraid he'd be bored out of his mind and hate it. But, so far it's not too bad. He opens envelopes with a machine and sorts papers etc. He gets up at 4 in the morning to be there by 5 and gets done by 1:30. I've changed my work schedule so I'm getting there by 8 so I can be done a bit earlier and be home before he leaves on school nights.

As for me, I'm getting bigger and more hungry. I really don't eat enough :( This week I've actually felt pretty good physically- not so sore and tight in my muscles. I've trained my people enough at work that a big load has been taken off of me and I've had time this week to write up notes and get organized for leaving. I even turned in my paper work for maternity leave. If it's approved (? I don't really know the process) my last day will be May 5th. My mom and I hoped to take off more time before but as I was looking at things, it just worked out better that way. With FMLA I can take up to 12 weeks off. By taking this late date to start, that means I don't have to be back until the end of July. In the mean time, we will just hope and pray and see how it all works out. I plan to stay with my mom after the baby is born so I don't have to live around all these teenage boys when dealing with breast feeding etc and so I don't have to go up and down so many stairs just to go to the bathroom.

It's hard living in someone else's house. I'm trying to be more positive about it. I've decided in that way, I'm more supportive of Jeff and I feel better too. We spend a lot of time in our room and I go to my mom's once a week. One of these days, I'm going to get our room set up and feel like we are actually living here instead of living around what's here! Haha. It's a bit crowded but we're doing okay.

FYI

2009-04-15T05:58:00.003-07:00

In case anyone should miss me, I have it on good authority that I better watch my personal use of the internet at work. As in I probably should have none at all. I feel so isolated and alone and it's only been 2 days!!!!!

I thought with Jeff being at school 2-3 nights a week, I'll have time to blog and be lonely and looking for communication with my outside world. I might just have to put my feet up, but here's to already missing all of you!

A cause without a rebel

2009-04-09T08:37:00.003-07:00

Sometimes I think I have an abnormal respect for authority. I doubt if I've ever felt even an ounce of rebellion... at least longer than fleetingly. Perhaps it's not a respect for but a fear of authority?

When I was young, my dad told me that one of my talents was obedience. He's told me again as an adult and it seems to be more as an admirable quality he sees in me as a person, not just something he appreciated in a parent/child relationship. I think this is a good thing. My love for math comes from knowing that if I just follow certain rules and principles I can figure out some pretty interesting and big problems. I'm sure my obedience in life is a search for this same reassurance. I think too, the "talent" part is a blessing; it seems I've always been able to see consequences of actions. No need for me to touch the hot stove to know what it means to be hot; I just get it.

On the other hand, I sometimes feel like Ella in Ella Enchanted. When someone tells me to do something, I have to no matter how much I distrust them or don't want to etc. It leaves me rather powerless and, especially as an adult, that is not a good thing.

We now live with Jeff's dad and step mom. I feel like a child again. I feel I owe them respect and defference and I think I believe that this is true being that we are living in their house etc. That's okay. But past a certain point, I really need to still feel like an adult.

I guess I won't broadcast the details over the internet for everyone to see, but recently we actually "got in trouble" for something that I really felt was no one else's business. I could see why the parents would feel or see things the way they did, but really, they didn't know the details of the situation and no matter what, it was our situation, not theirs, to deal with. Even if it was their business, I don't believe in "talking" to people the way it was handled and felt completely disrespected as a person. This is not okay, no matter who's the boss or who's house it is etc. Even as the dad, I don't believe children should EVER be talked to the way we were.
Perhaps I should forgive and forget and things are fine this week. Perhaps I do hold grudges, but I don't even want to say that. I felt a need to defend myself and I don't know how and THAT's what I'm trying to talk about here. I don't even know if defending myself is okay.

And I guess that's the question. Having this abnormal sense of authority and being submissive, how do I even know what my rights are?

I know it looks like Jeff and I got ourselves in a big mess and had no other choice. We are truly living on the grace of other people. But even though we didn't have a lot of options, we did try to be deliberate about the choices we did have. We have goals and expectations for ourselves. There are things we're trying to accomplish and ideals we're trying to hold onto. We just asked for help; does that make us invalid human beings? Does that mean we now have to be, or even can be, told everything we can and can't do?

I've really been trying to be positive this week. I've tried to at least in my own mind come up with a mission statement for us so that we can stay focused on what we're doing and not get bogged down by all this other stuff. I had hoped this was leading up to that. I hoped (I know I'm at work but still) to have some time today to get myself together. It doesn't look like that's going to happen. So, I'll just leave it as this and be back later...

Random thoughts that connect as they flow through my head but might not when I say them out loud

2009-04-06T13:57:00.003-07:00

I'm really glad I have a family that treats people with respect. It seems like no matter how different anyone is, we try to see their point of view and understand where they are coming from. There's a sincerity in valuing people. We, especially some of you, can discuss things and talk about different sides of the issue without being preachy and insisting on being right (this of course excludes some Thanksgiving dinner conversations between SOME people, especially when it comes to politics :) but that's all in good fun right?).
I'm glad I learned to value things like education and art and people and family and ideals. I've been a bit culture shocked in the last few years that not everyone sees past here and now and worldly stuff.

I remember driving from my grandpa's funeral to the cemetery- it was SO far away!- and then back to the church for lunch. I quite dislike funerals; they are sad no matter how much faith and hope you have in an afterlife and the person being in a better place. Perhaps that's what made Grandpa's funeral so thought provoking. I knew he was a good man and after some of the physical limitations he experienced before he died, I knew he was in heaven and I'm sure happy to be there. I could just see him doing cartwheels and laughing. But I was also so sad that he was gone. During the drive, I remember thinking about life and how it had all just stopped for the last few days. Everything I had going on was set aside and just not nearly as important as I had thought.
Today I read about an earthquake in Italy. There was a lot of devastation and I thought for those people the whole world has just changed. Very old cities have been wiped out to the point they don't even exist anymore. It made me think about my life and what I'm doing and what I'm working for and how fleeting it could be. What really then is important?

I watched conference over the weekend. The peace and calmness that it brings were especially welcome this time. There seemed to be a lot of talk of faith and doing what's right even though it's getting hard.
I want to have faith. I want to be like the people you read about who do the right things and then things work out for them. I want to be brave and face the lion's den because I know what I'm doing is right. Because I don't want anyone or anything to change me and what's inside. I think I have the conviction, I'm just not sure I have the strength to fight for it.

If your whole world can disappear so easily, you better know what it is that will stay with you or what really matters. And you better start living for it.

Evidence to support my claim :)

2009-04-01T13:18:00.003-07:00

Taking a bit of a break at work today, I clicked on an article about adult separation anxiety. It was interesting. I copied some of it not really doing with adults as well as the linke below. Hmm...

During infancy, all mammals suffer distress if they are separated from their mothers. Our brains are wired for this. Human babies are helpless and simply cannot survive without their parents, so their brains are acutely sensitive to signals of possible abandonment, according to Bruce Perry, M.D., Ph.D., a senior fellow at the ChildTrauma Academy, a not-for-profit in Houston.
And babies need their parents not just physically, but emotionally. It's through these first relationships that they learn not only how to love, but also how to cope with stress by seeking care and being caring.
Normally, separation anxiety appears at about six months. Although babies can recognize their mothers much earlier, at this age—when they're usually beginning to be able to crawl or otherwise move around on their own—they start to get anxious when they can't see her. While previously, other familiar people could hold and soothe them easily, now no one but Mama (and sometimes Dad) is acceptable.
Ordinarily, children outgrow this anxiety, and often experience new bouts of it when faced with stressful situations like starting a new school. With responsive parents who always ultimately return, kids learn to trust that they can be safe in the world.

Some people are also biologically more sensitive. One important factor seems to be the functioning of the brain's endogenous opioid system. Endogenous opioids are the brain's own painkillers, similar to heroin and morphine.
"Just like humans, animals emit distress calls when they are separated from their mothers," says MauricePreter, M.D., a neurologist and assistant professor of clinical psychiatry at Columbia University. "They go up in intensity and become more frequent with separation, and the opposite occurs with a reunion, or if you give opioids." Blocking brain opioids in animals increases separation distress. Basically, normal babies become addicted to their parents, though it's a temporary phase.

http://health.msn.com/health-topics/depression/articlepage.aspx?cp-documentid=100235522&gt1=31009

Feelings, nothing? more than feelings

2009-03-23T15:26:00.002-07:00

I always tell myself my feelings are wrong. I shouldn't feel this way. This is a bad emotion.
I guess I believe- from somewhere- that feelings are just a flight or fancy and should be controlled and watched over. They really aren't that important.
I don't really believe that, but I think it's part of my wiring or something.
One of my thoughts as I considered new year resolutions this year was that as I become a mother, I need to give myself some credit. Not only do my children need to see me as a real and valid person (ie. not criticising every thought and feeling and acting like I'm in the wrong) for the whole respect and discipline thing, but I think it's somehow important for their self esteem to have a mother they can look up to and have confidence in. That confidence needs to start in me for myself.
As we prepared to move and take this big step, I also told myself that it's more important now than ever to share my feelings with Jeff- even if they are stupid or wrong or whatever- so that I don't disappear as a person. So that I validate myself and even just to keep communication open and flowing with him.
I've felt a lot of things lately. It's just hard living with other people. Some of what I feel, or at least where it's coming from, is quite valid. Some of it probably is just adjusting or even hormones. Some of it may be petty or silly really. I'm getting better at just saying it anyway.
Other things that I'm struggling with emotionally go so much further than that. It's spiritual and big and grand and logical and psychological. As I get caught up in these issues, it's so hard to express it all. I want him (or anyone else) to know the grandness, the importance of it. But how do you express that?
Sometimes I'm surprised that things that feel so tangibly right or wrong to me are not seen the same by other people. Sometimes I have to just realize that what affects one person in one way, affects someone else completely differently. So what do you do about that when it's significant people that see significant things differently?

In the last week, I've come to the conclusion that there are things in my life I just have to insist on. I've got to start taking better care of myself and recognizing some of my needs. And as baby time gets closer and closer, there are things I feel I have to insist on for her. I'm the mother and no one else knows what needs are there.
It's a big step when I'm just thinking I'm getting comfortable expressing what feels like little emotions to insisting on big, life changing, life important things. Any advice?

R-E-S-P-E-C-T

2009-03-19T09:34:00.003-07:00

I am easily offended by people who give unsolicited advice and opinions. Such people usually have an air of superiority and are not talking to have a discussion but talking to hear themselves and be the boss. Even though I know I'm not, I often am left feeling stupid and inferior or at least like that's how these people see me.
Being a people pleaser/peace maker, sometimes it's my fault that people see or treat me this way. Often, I talk down about myself or act inferior because I don't want to make the other person feel bad or inferior or it's just easier than insisting on the fact that I'm right and they don't know what they are talking about.
Last night I decided it's time to start acting with a bit more self respect. Maybe if I treated myself like I'm "better than that" and acknowledge in myself that I'm smart and capable, it will come across, not in a superior way, but at least in a way that people won't talk down to me and try to control or boss certain parts of my life. It's helped already today just to have that thought in mind.
What's the saying? "I'm good enough, I'm smart enough, and, doggonit, people like me."

If you can't say something nice...

2009-03-18T10:58:00.002-07:00

I think I haven't posted lately because I've been having a hard time and don't feel like I have much positive to say. It's really hard living with people and I feel so ungrateful even saying that. It's not like I don't like these people, it's just an adjustment. New rules, new surroundings, dogs everywhere. Plus I'm just really worn out being pregnant and have to just keep going and going. I even got sick within the first week or two of living there- it's a head cold and I'm over it for the most part, but I can't seem to get it out of my sinuses. I'm worried I'm allergic to all the dogs together, not to mention the gallons of perfumey stuff I inhale everyday at work. I really get annoyed by people I have to deal with at work- even the ones that don't smell "good." I even think mean thoughts!

Other than that, I don't suppose there's much to say about it. There's no point in complaining really. At least not "publicly." We are where we are and you just keep going forward.

Last night Jeff and I had a discussion about things that left me in tears for most the night. I always think we "fight" well- it is more of a discussion and we usually figure it out before it gets too drawn out. Sometimes though, it just ends with him being mad, me crying and/or at least one of us just going off and sleeping somewhere. I don't think that's really bad. It gives us a chance to clear our heads and pull our thoughts together and figure it out later. I think that's what happened last night. In the end, it's all okay. We're together and on the same page with things and we just have to keep figuring stuff out.

Strangely, last night I felt some strength rising in me. A take charge kind of feeling I hadn't felt for a long time. Instead of thinking I have to give in or smooth things over, I felt like I needed to say this is it, this is how things are going to go. I even almost felt like I matter and what I think and feel matters. Sometimes I think the thing that bugs Jeff the most is that I treat myself like it doesn't or I don't.

I suppose the reason I'm such a people pleaser/peace maker is that my biggest fear is losing the person. I don't know why this would extend to people I don't care about losing, but that's not the topic today. In some way, last night I felt like I matter enough that if losing the other person is the consequence of me mattering, then so be it. I felt a need, maybe even an ability?, to defend myself. (I should note here that a lot of this fight, at this point, was within me, not with or against him). I felt strong enough to, at least in my own mind, throw off all the people and expectations and say what needs to be. It's getting it from my head to reality that's the problem.

My Mumsy

2009-03-05T09:35:00.002-07:00

Last night I went out with my mom. We went to a little diner place that has really good food and is quite inexpensive (I think). I ate pancakes- yum! One of the few real cravings I get. And we went to the fabric store and ShopKo to look at baby stuff. It's so much fun. There are so many pretty things! And yet, I get a bit confused because everything is so cute, I want this and that and something else, but at the same time can't settle and want to be a bit smart and frugal about things. Hmm...

I talk a lot to my mom. Sometimes I worry I tell her more than she wants to know. Sometimes I worry I'm too gossipy and judgemental. But I also think I'm just sorting through my head and it helps so much to have someone that listens and relates and talks back without trying to fix it or change my mind, but just understands.

I feel an especial need for my mom because I'm pregnant. For all the people I talk to and tell me their experiences, I feel like my mom's the only one who really knows. That's not to discount other people, it just seems like in things like this, you tend to be like your mom so she's a good one to go to for help. Besides, it's more comfortable telling her stuff than anyone else.

This isn't nearly as eloquent as I would like to be. I just thought I'd check in because I'm feeling really good today. Physically I feel better than I have in a while and mentally and emotionally I feel back on track. I think being with my mom has a lot to do with this. I'm excited and feel ready to take the next step. We've moved, now get settled and get ready for baby! That's a fun, relieved feeling to have finally. Thanks mom!

There's no place like... my own bed

2009-02-26T09:10:00.003-07:00

Last night was our first night in our new living situation. After work, I went to the apartment to get a few forgotten things we needed for the night and morning. I tried not to cry driving there knowing it's not home any more. I walked in the empty apartment without even the dog to greet me and started to cry. I stood in the doorway to our bedroom and cried, thinking of our little memories.
The day we moved in, we hadn't seen our actual apartment yet, just the model. They gave us our keys and a check list to go look before we signed the final agreement etc. When we walked into the empty apartment that day, we both had such a calm feeling of "this is home." I've loved walking in the neighborhood, just going in the "backyard." I loved the red brick wall on the patio. I loved having a patio! I loved my angled cupboards in the kitchen.

I didn't stay too long and drove out to Jeff's dad's house. When I got there, I think I felt scared to go in. I didn't want to cry in front of people, especially people who have been so generous to share their home with us. Luckily, Jeff came out to help me carry stuff and knew that I would be sad. He hugged me and talked me through it and the other boys came out to help carry stuff.
Jeff was excited to show me the room that he'd set up for us (he and his step dad moved our final big stuff to the house yesterday- the bed and chests of drawers and stuff we needed for the night). We went down stairs and looked around. Funny enough, when I walked in the room and Jeff was there, I still felt like I was home.
Our bed looks small, which is good because that means the room feels big. And against the wall you walk in facing, there is a pretty wooden vanity with shelves up the side of the mirror and drawers in the desk part. They were going to throw it away, but Jeff thought I would like it. It was great to have a place to set up my stuff. The sister who used to have the room had put those glow in the dark stars all over the ceiling and down some of the walls. When it's dark, they glow and it feels really cool.
After settling some of my stuff, I went up to have dinner. I was SO hungry by then it's no wonder I was crying. Everyone else had already eaten, but the food was still set out on the counter so I could get dinner. What a relief to have someone else think it up and lay it out. They've planned sandwich nights all week to make the moving and working everyone is doing a bit easier. They also had four different kinds of jello. I don't know why, but jello is even better being pregnant. I think it's sweet and wet (I get very hungry for fruit for this reason too) and it supposedly has good protein (I'll just believe it, I've never read the label).
I ate and sat on the couch with everybody around watching t.v. We haven't had any t.v. in at least 4 months. It's sad to admit it, but I've missed it and was glad to be watching anything- even commercials- and didn't care what it was. I relaxed a lot.
When we went to bed, I got in bed while Jeff was checking something to do with the computer (we now have internet again because we can connect to theirs wirelessly). I lay down and ahhhh! I said, hey, this is my bed. It felt so good.
Being in the basement, there are a lot of stairs for a pregnant lady. We were the last ones to go to bed so we turned off all the lights and the house was pretty dark. There is a light on the stairs but we hadn't turned in on yet. The dog (our dog) went down first and suddenly we heard a quick thump, thump, thump. It's mean, but we both laughed at the thought of her tripping down the stairs. When I got up at my normal 2 o'clock to go to the bathroom, it was a long way up the stairs, but I must admit, the thought was worse than actually doing it. I slept really well last night.
This morning when my alarm went off, I didn't want to get out of bed until I knew I could get in the bathroom. I was sure I heard water and waited for a long time thinking someone sure takes long showers. Finally we got up because one of the dogs came down to find our dog and they were making really weird noises on both sides of our door. We jumped up thinking we better get Niobe outside.
In a way, it helped to have such a busy house in the morning. I tried to hurry and do what I needed so that others can do what they needed. Nicely, they were all hurrying to get out of my way. It all went smoothly and by the time I was dressed, everyone was gone except me, Jeff's dad (who is starting a new job next week), Jeff and all the dogs. I ate shredded wheat for breakfast and was able to make a good fat sandwhich on wheat bread for lunch.

I think we're going to be okay.

Down and Up

2009-02-19T09:24:00.004-07:00

Believe it or not, I'm trying to have a good attitude and not complain, but I think if I don't talk myself through this, I may go insane :)

Officially, we started moving out last weekend. We took mom's couch back to her and left my beautiful painting, thankfully, in her custody. We started packing boxes. Monday, Jeff spent the day at his dad's house to help clear out an old shed and start building two new ones they bought. I dropped Jeff off on my way to work and picked him up after. We ended up staying for dinner and even though Monday was surprisingly calm, I expected a busy hard day, so was okay with not getting much (okay, getting any) packing done.
Monday night, I didn't sleep at all. My stomach hurt from eating garlic and onions (smart move there) and my muscles were achy. Tuesday was a harder day this week than Monday. By the time I got home, I was crying, not for any emotional reason, but just because I was tired. Jeff told me not to worry about packing (not a smart move either I'm sure) and made dinner and took care of me. This was very nice, but by last night, I was getting really nervous about packing and moving.
His mom and step dad are about the only ones we know with trucks, trailers etc and they are going to be out of town the next few weekends. This means his mom wants to move us Friday. We are so dependent on other people it's driving me crazy. Friday may or may not work because of my lack of packing but also because the shed building thing is not going so quickly and that's where a lot of our stuff will be going. Also, until the sheds are built, his dad and step mom can't finish cleaning out our room because it's mostly used as storage now. So when we have help to move us, we may not have a place to move it to. I feel like I'm going in circles.

Anyway, last night I insisted on getting some packing done. I felt like I accomplished so much in relatively little time. But then I stopped and looked around and we're still not ready to go! And my back and stomach hurt so much just from what I did, I couldn't go any more. Jeff is really good to help, but I keep feeling, perhaps wrongly or being too controlling, that I need to do it so I know where my stuff is and can be organized about it.

I have a beautiful roll top desk I got for Christmas when I was in junior high. Ideally, I'd like to have it in our room, becuase it is special and highly practical. But, there may not be room. One goal last night was to finish cleaning it out. I feel like it's a treasure chest. I try to keep it mostly practical, but it also houses things like coloring books and little games and stationary that make me happy. Thinking of what I need versus what can be stored or given away was quite difficult. We don't know how long we'll be there, but kind of have a year in our head because time goes by fast and we do have to get a baby here etc. A year from now, my life will be completely different. I will probably be completely different. How do I know what I'll wish I had and what I won't? If it's just going in storage anyway, there's a lot of stuff that doesn't seem worth keeping. All of this combined to make me very sad. I cried as I packed, threw away, and tried to treasure my little things.

I hope it doesn't sound too worldly. I never think of myself as a material person. That's why the things I do have are so special. They are my treasures. They are what will someday, again, make my home my home. That's not so wrong is it?!

After the desk, I took some pictures off the wall and packed away my books, journals, scriptures- my real treasures that I want to make sure I have available and are taken care of. Once the pictures come off the wall, it really feels empty to me. But by this point, I'd pulled my emotions together and was focused on being productive. I packed some more boxes and then, feeling done for, just wanted to make sure I had what baby stuff we do have put together. Also some important stuff right now. I knew I had a few little treasures stowed away in my cedar chest and wanted to make sure I got those out, not knowing where the cedar chest will live for a while either. That was a fun box to look into!

I didn't have as much in it as I thought. But I do have a sweatshirt I got when my grandma died, purely for sentimental reasons. It's what she wore a lot before she died and I wanted it because it's how I remembered her (I was 10). I also have a couple dolls my mom made for me when I was little. I was awed at the time and talent she put into them. I have a little stuffed dog that's about worn out- like my Velveteen rabbit- that I slept with while my parents were in Hawaii when I was about 9. My mom took one dog and I took the other so that we would stay connected that way. His name is Caramel Cashew and hers was Hot Fudge Sundae.

And then the baby things. I had more than I remembered. I have a few books I've somehow collected and was so happy to see. The B book by Dr. Seuss (not to be sacreligious, but I've never been a big fan of the doc. I do love this book though). And one little critter book that even Jeff got excited about, called "Just go to Bed." A book by Oscar the Grouch titled "How to be a Grouch." And, a beautiful Stephen Cosgrove book. And I had a few outfits.
What I originally got in there for was a present, still wrapped in beautiful tissue paper, I knew I had tucked away. I had been invited to a baby shower for someone in the ward and bought the present and had it all pretty and ready to go. I don't remember if my grandpa was just going into the resthome (he'd been sick and in the hospital and they would only release him to somewhere he could have constant care) or if he was just coming home from the rest home. Either way, we weren't sure how long he would live. My aunt lives in Elko and she needed to come up to Salt Lake and the only way (or best way) she could get here was if my mom drove down and picked her up. I went with my mom and missed the baby shower.
Perhaps it sounds lame, but for whatever reason (probably grandpa and family things), I never did get the present to whoever was having the baby shower. I don't remember her now but I do remember this weekend. So, eventually, I tucked away the present thinking I would give it to myself someday. I didn't remember what was in the present either, but I did know it was for a girl.
Last night I opened the present. I had a little tiny pair of pink mittens with white hearts on them, some striped socks, and the outfit is a soft, fleecy, pink outfit size 18 months. It's SO cute and I think will be about the right size at the right time. Even Jeff thought the mittens were cute.

So, the times they are a changing... is that what people say. This morning I was trying to talk myself into a good attitude as I got to work. I paused for a moment and had to admit I'm doing surprisingly well with all the stress and change in my life right now. Maybe I should give myself some credit.

Here we go....

2009-02-16T15:08:00.003-07:00

We officially started moving this weekend. Once I get started, I just want it to be done. Our house is a mess, I'm exhausted, and there is still SO much to do. Both my mom and Jeff's mom asked if I'm okay and are quite concerned about this change for me. It's nice of them to be aware that this isn't easy for me, but, for the record, yes, I'm okay. It's going to be different, but I've come to terms with things (I hope) and am looking forward.

Did I mention there's yet another dog living where we're going? Jeff's dad bought a Shitzu with his tax return money. He plans to use him for breeding and make some money that way. It is the cutest little teddy bear/Ewok faced thing I've ever seen. He's tiny and fluffy and mostly black, so you can't even see his face from a distance. We've had our dog over there a bit lately and although she's the biggest, she definitely doesn't rule the nest. Luckily, she gets along with the new one pretty well. The chihuahuas on the other hand, just aren't liked by anyone from my house and the feeling seems to be mutual.

Saturday we went to a Valentine's dinner with Jeff's dad's church. It was at a restaurant but we had our own room reserved. They played games and served the food buffet style. It was fun and today I'm craving the shredded beef they had for the tacos. I think I'm needing protein today anyway. It's one of those days I just can't seem to eat enough.

A couple weeks ago, at about 5 in the morning, Jeff came in and said "here, hold this" and put something soft and fuzzy in my hand, which happened to be close to my face. Being asleep, my thoughts were not quite coherent. I thought, our dog is not that small, she's not having puppies- I am, did he find a cat? Once I woke up, I realized it was a small Valentine bear. It is so cute (cuter than the Shitzu!). It's white with a red nose, red hearts on it's paws and a bow with dangling hearts that say Be Mine around it's neck. I bought Jeff a card and tried to say something I just really want him to get about how I feel about him and some candy.

Last Thursday, I went to the doctor. I had to do a glucose test for gestational diabetes. It wasn't as bad as I had worried it could be. I went in fasting and had to drink an orange, carbonated sugar drink. The first taste was okay but the after taste was blek. I had 5 minutes to drink it all and it looked small enough I thought that was plenty of time. Jeff kept watch on his clock and the time flew by. I finished it right on time. I got pretty shakey, light headed and giggly. Then the baby started bouncing all over my tummy. But I survived. And the results are in and the sugar and the iron all look normal. Yay! I was a bit concerned about the diabetic stuff. But I'm trying to take care of myself :)

Today is surprisingly calm for a Monday. It's kind of nice, except I can barely stay awake. If I was busy (and often annoyed on Monday), at least it keeps me going :) I still have plenty to do, so I better get to it.

Your opinion doesn't smell good

2009-02-10T16:12:00.004-07:00

A few people in the last while have asked me something about my baby- what we're naming her, what colors we're using etc. Fun stuff to talk about right? Well, these few people, and perhaps I'm just too sensitive, after I tell them the answer, look at me like I'm completely stupid. Is that not incredibly rude?!?!
What's funny is, it's probably the first time that I don't feel stupid at all for my opinion and feel completely sure that the other person is the one with the "wrong opinion." Think whatever you want, but to express it or let it be known, especially when you are talking about something so special as the other person's baby, really does make you the jerk with no manners and what does your opinion matter anyway!?
It would be nice if I could get strong enough in myself to fend off such stupid people.

Wishes and Fishes

2009-02-04T13:57:00.003-07:00

I was quite uplifted and inspired by BennyK's blog about posthumous classes. What a great way to get out of this world and think about what really matters and what we really want to be doing! I also found Heather's recent blog about the recession and her kids to be quite thought provoking (although I didn't know what to say and didn't comment).

Yesterday at work, a few people were talking about helping their teenagers get cars. One girl was saying that she'd like to help them get a new, reliable car, something inexpensive, that could help build their credit, teach them responsibility, and be dependable when they go off to college. Another guy was saying that he pays his daughter's insurance as long as she is getting good grades etc. He's also helping with his son's college and getting ready to send him on a mission.

Another girl at work has had her husband working in Alaska or Canada? on and off for the past few months. They were married last March. I think I'd go crazy having my husband gone like that! But, he has a really good job that he worked hard through school to get and, I heard her tell someone, he's making as much money doing this project as she'll make this whole year, so that kind of makes it worth it.

I know I'm a judgemental person. I don't mean to be in a negative way. I just find things interesting and different things like this hit me in different ways, which helps me to know what I think and feel. That's usually my point when I talk about people- it's really supposed to be about me, not them.

I just felt like these few overheard conversations/statements made me realize how little I want money to be a part of my motivation. I think that's easy to say when you have enough, but when you don't, it's really hard to live with. Besides, some things are worth working for.

I've been reading a book from Mom about wishing. So far, it's really about being clear about what you want and believing that you can have it. We seem to get so bogged down in "reality" and "THE recession" and day to day survival, that it's hard to remember that not only do we WANT to study surfing, trapeze, cooking, and quantum physics, but we think we can't and that life HAS to be hard and punitive or something.

The point I'm really trying to make with all these random thoughts is that it's been a rough couple of weeks. I tend to value in myself my ability to rise up when the going gets tough and make decisions and, in some way, take charge of things. I almost feel my thoughts taking shape in that way.

I believe that kids, teenagers don't NEED their own cars.
I believe that a husband at home is more important than making lots of money (I also believe that supporting each other in career goals etc is important so it's subjective to the situation).
I believe that learning and study and reaching our potential is what life should really be about.

What classes do I want to look forward to in the afterlife? What do I want to learn and be and do without waiting for the afterlife, or even the after-now?
What do I wish for?

It's coming. It's hard to hear in the noise, but I'm getting somewhere...

Decisions and Fears

2009-01-23T15:46:00.003-07:00

Lately I feel like I have really strong reactions, in my head, to things. Knowing that a lot of it is probably "just hormones" (I really hate that phrase), I try to keep it inside. Then I spend a lot of time feeling sorry for myself for not sticking up for me and saying what I think etc. I also feel like I complain more than ever now. So, I'm hesitant to start talking about what I was going to blog about.

On the other hand, in an effort to clear the cobwebs and get my head on straight and really just to discuss what's going on in my life, I thought I'd just start typing. So, here's my big announcement (perhaps as much to myself, having been in denial and anger and now perhaps getting ready for acceptance- did I get the steps right?)... at the end of February, Jeff and I will be moving into his Dad's house. We actually were trying to do it sooner, but the fees and consequences of breaking our lease were more than the cost and consequences of finishing it out.

So, who lives at Jeff's dad's house? His dad and step mom and 13 year old half brother. And the step mom's mom and two 17 year old brothers. Three dogs (if chihuahuas really count as dogs) and two cats. And, until recently, some turtles and snakes and who knows what else? They have a good sized room in the basement for us that is a bit away from everyone so hopefully we will have some privacy.

I don't want to sound ungrateful because I'm certainly glad they're willing to help us out, but I am scared to death of this move. The first time or two we talked seriously about it, I just cried. Perhaps it sounds worldly but the thought of really living with someone else and their rules and ways of doing things and packing all my stuff away in storage, made me feel like I would just disappear. I told Jeff, how can I be the wife and mother when I don't even get to decide what's for dinner?

I will note here that a time or two, I've felt a very reassuring feeling of "don't be so afraid; this is how you'll get to be home with your baby." I've held onto that like a life line, but some days, even that doesn't feel like a reality. I told Jeff that I will not work and leave my baby just so I can live in the basement of someone else's house. I hope he gets that.

I'm also afraid that Jeff will go and forget that he's the dad and the husband and he'll feel like one of the 17 year old boys and just want to play games with them all the time. I told him he can't forget me. I've heard that president Kimball said it's not good for a couple to live with their parents; that they need to be independent as much as possible. I worry we won't be grown up married people, but more like roommates and children.

My parents have also offered us a room at their house. I love my old bedroom, but it is small and more in the main part of the house. Jeff is probably right in thinking that we couldn't fit and would have no privacy. I would worry all the time that he would be feeling like I'm afraid I'm going to feel. But I would be much more comfortable living with my mom and Khrys than a bunch of stinky boys. Especially once my baby gets here.

Another concern is that just after the baby comes, everyone, including his step mom, will be out of school for the summer. I will never have any time to myself. How am I supposed to learn to be a mom when I'm constantly being bombarded by people and barely have a spot to call my own?
I worry about things before that as simple as when I'll get to take a shower and go the bathroom. I don't know if I remember how to live around people like that and I've never had to do it with people I don't know really well.

What really bothers me is that I keep blaming myself. Did I make a wrong choice somewhere? Am I not doing good enough- with our finances, with working, with... I don't know, whatever- to keep us out of this mess? And I can't help fearing that if Jeff really wanted to be a grown up and married and have a baby, he wouldn't be so willing to do this. Like I feel like he's retreating and I'm just going along stupidly, thinking he wants me there.

Poor Jeffrey

2009-01-22T16:00:00.002-07:00

Jeff went to the dentist yesterday. He's been having teeth pain for a while and since all my insurance changed with the new year, we figured we'd wait for that to kick in. Then we thought we'd wait until we got the cards for the dental stuff (still waiting). Then we thought we better just call them and get him in! They took an x-ray and told him exactly what he already felt was happening. He ended up having to have two teeth pulled!

On the bottom, he had a wisdom tooth that was tipped. It was pushing on the other teeth, making his jaw and whole head hurt. It was also starting to get a bit infected underneath it. Because it was tipping, it was also rubbing against a top tooth. The top tooth was half way gone! The part that was left had quite a cavity. When they pulled the top tooth, it broke a bit of his bone and they had to pull that out.

The dentist said he could recommend an oral surgeon and they could do root canals on both teeth to try to save them, but they usually didn't do that for a wisdom tooth. I guess they would do that so the top tooth wouldn't have a hole to rub into and cause some kind of the same problem on the bottom as he had on the top. My thought, and Jeff's too, was that there wasn't enough of the top tooth worth saving. Then what would they have to do!? And I've never heard anything good about root canals. Because they were in the back and wouldn't affect his smile :) and also because he didn't want to wait any more time and deal with pain, Jeff opted to have them both pulled.

I was there through the whole thing. Am I getting good mothering experience or what!? It's horrible to watch someone you love go through pain and discomfort and fear. I rubbed his ankles like my mommy always did for me when I went to the dentist. It was all over fairly quickly. Once again, I think the shots were the worst part for him.

When I went to bed last night, he said that all the pressure and pain in his jaw that he'd felt that morning was gone. Today he's sore, but at least it's recovering soreness and he should be better in a day or two.

Control Yourself

2009-01-21T14:07:00.003-07:00

I had the thought this morning on the way to work, "that would probably be for the best." What was I thinking about? How to do my hair! Does that even make any sense? Does anyone else sense the sadness in that statement? I was thinking about hair and was trying to settle on what would be the most practical and make the most sense. Not having fun. Not expressing myself. Not looking pretty. Just practical.

I was a bit stressed this morning. I'm leaving work a bit early and had set my alarm earlier than usual so I could try to get here a bit early and not use up so much personal time. Luckily (?) for me, when the alarm went off, I had to go the bathroom bad enough, it wasn't hard to get up. I had slept well and thought I was off to a good start. But...
The poor dog. She's scared of going outside and since I got pregnant, I generally just stand at the bottom of the stairs and let her go (or hope Jeff is up and will take her). It's taken some coaxing since her accident to get her to do this, but in the quiet morning she's been doing okay... until lately. This morning, she would not go. I even put on slippers and a jacket knowing it's been hard and planning on walking out with her (and no, I didn't use the leash because I was afraid I was too weak and she'd just pull me over. It was a genuine concern). We got about half way up more than a time or two before she bolted back down and into the apartment. I lost all patience with her. I know, and knew in the moment even, that it was other things bothering me, but I just didn't have the time or strength or patience to deal with her. She had been asking to go out so I knew she needed to and I finally pretty much dragged her up the stairs and convinced her she was safe if she stayed real close to the building on the grass with me standing there.
And, poor Jeff. He has been struggling with a tooth ache and it's getting bad enough it makes his whole head hurt. He is back on his "graveyard shift" schedule and didn't go to bed until 5 this morning. He couldn't sleep because his head and teeth hurt and his legs were twitching. So, what did I spend my extra half hour or so doing this morning? Rubbing his legs and dealing with the dog.
I was barely making it out of the house at my normal time when I remembered I still had to take some rent stuff up to the office. Poor me! I feel like I have to do everything. And this extra two minutes felt like it would make me even later!
And that was my frustration this morning. I just keep feeling like I'm doing everything. I know I shouldn't express all this crap here. And it really isn't personal toward anyone. Work has been crappy lately- I'm SO tired of some of the people/issues I deal with and the demands that are made on me. I'm frustrated with myself and my lack of assertiveness and ability to stick up for myself. I get sad when Jeff is up all night and things are not going productively for him. I get annoyed at the sweet dog who is sometimes so needy and demanding when I'm feeling needy and demanding. My legs have been cramping incredibly bad and often and all anyone, including the doctor, can tell me is it's normal and try eating bananas and getting more calcium. Nothing's working that way and the dog doesn't make a good masseuse. Jeff does, when he feels like it or isn't distracted etc.
Okay, enough complaining. And onto the real point...

After dropping the rent stuff at the office, I got in the car. I recently found a tape I have of only two songs that lately are my all time favorites (I say that about all songs I like a lot :) I think they call these tapes "singles" and Jeff didn't even know what that was or why they would make a tape with only two songs. And yes, I still don't have a CD player in my car and I actually don't care). The one song just makes me happy. As I pulled out of the parking lot I thought, "maybe I should just quit caring." This thought was followed by the question "why do you care so much?"
Mostly I was thinking about work. If I didn't get here early but got here at my regular time, so what? Why was I stressing so much about it? Why was I making that more important than anything else I had to do today? It didn't even make any sense. And if I just let go of it, a lot of the tension and "freak out"-ness I was feeling could just go away.
I'm not going to tell you what song I was listening to because I need it to be mine, not out there for judgement. That's not to say you will judge me, but more like I judge myself, which is the point of this post.
It doesn't matter what I do with my hair. It doesn't matter that this song makes me happy. It doesn't matter if I'm early or on time for work. Why do I make all these things into something practical? What if I just stopped and enjoyed... myself? the music? the dog and husband?

I feel like I don't even know how. I'm so trying to be in control and in charge of all these things with the ever present thought of "doing the right thing." And, as with this morning, that doesn't even make sense! The right thing with my hair? The right thing getting to work early? None of it matters!
What would happen if I let go of a bit of control? I don't think I'm a control freak- like I don't want to boss people around and I don't insist on having things my way- but in my own way I am. I've read about eating disorders and girls who get them are just trying to have some semblance of control (perhaps ownership?) in their own lives. That's what it is for me. Some sort of dependability, sanity, things being safe. I'm also gravely afraid that I'll mess everything up and ruin everything and get in trouble. So, I try always to do the right thing. I think I've loosened up when I say the "right" thing has at least softened to the most "practical." But still, be in control. Follow the rules, the schedule, the plan... and when that doesn't work? Kick the dog, be mad at the husband, berate myself.

What if I just want to be happy?

Give me the faith...

2009-01-14T13:55:00.003-07:00

Today I read an article (how many blogs do I start this way?) saying that during recessions, people have fewer babies. Because of our current economy, many people will put off having a baby, whether they have any yet or not.
It was a depressing read and scared me to death to be having a baby right now. How are we going to afford it? It got me thinking ahead to high school fees and dates and clothes and college, not to mention just the here and now need for diapers and feeding one more person. I actually felt stupid for making this choice so irresponsibly.

This article also scared and depressed me because it says a whole lot about the world we live in. I believe that the greatest thing God gives and asks of us is family. Our ability to love another person and share a life and then to grow a family and have children from that union? That's the greatest thing on earth. It's what we are here for. Simply put, He told Adam and Eve to multiply and replenish the earth. Eve even said that had they not left the Garden of Eden (think of how simple and good their life was there) they would never have known the joy of family.
So, when things get hard, what's our first reaction? To turn to God and do what He's asked and be humbled? Oh no. Our first inclination is to struggle on our own and stop doing the things He's asked us to. That is darn scary!

Not that I'm judging. As I said, I was plenty scared reading this article myself and wondered if we'll ever have more than one baby and what I'll do with her once she's here. And that's my question. How do we go forward with faith? Sometimes I've looked at groups of people or even an individual here or there that I've known and thought "wow, you really need to learn to think for yourself and use a bit of common sense." So, in these hard economic times, what is using common sense and what is going on faith?
Right now, I can't imagine not returning to work simply for the fact that I'm scared of living without health insurance when I have a baby. What if something happens to her? I need to be able to take care of her. Not to mention I have to eat well enough to breast feed, hoping that all goes well, and that will only last so long before I have to buy food for her. Oh, and diapers and... What are we going to do?
And yet, I can't imagine leaving my baby to go to work, no matter how desparate a need we have. Plus, I know it's the right thing to do. Do I just take that leap? I believe God helps us and provides for us; it's just that nagging question of "but how much does he ask of us first?"

I've always heard stories of people paying their tithing even when it was the only money they had and they needed food and then they are provided for. I've always wanted to have that kind of faith, but when it comes my turn to show it, am I really that strong!?
A while back I started writing a blog but I don't think I ever finished/posted it. I'd read some articles in the Ensign about people doing the right things even when it was hard. Like paying tithing and planning on going hungry. Or spending their life savings and risking losing a job to take a once in a life time trip to a temple in a neighboring country. I love those stories and have always wanted to have that faith. As I read I realized I might not even recognize my opportunity to show that kind of faith in my own life. I realized that all our financial struggles and the decisions we're making because of it are my test. I've always believed so much in being home with my babies. It's like because I've had that belief, it makes sense that it won't be an easy thing for me to do because I have to prove that I really do mean it. So, here I am. Do I have the faith? Do I REALLY know it's right to the point that I'm willing to leap?

New Year's Resolution

2009-01-06T15:44:00.004-07:00

Some of the women at work are going to do an office "Biggest Loser." I've never watched that show, but I think the idea is everyone competes to see who loses the most pounds (or perhaps they measure percentage of their pounds to be more equal). It's supposed to be motivating because everyone weighs in in front of each other and I think they will all buy into the competition and whoever wins gets to keep all the money. Plus, they'll all be watching each other and helping each other stay on track.
Good luck to them all. Sincerely.

But, I do want to take this time to bear my testimony... :)
A few years back, I started working out with my brother. We were lifting heavy weights because he was there to help me when I couldn't quite make it. Sometimes I thought he pushed too hard, but the amazing thing was, something I couldn't lift today, I could lift the next time we did that exercise. Some people find weight lifting to not be very feminine, but I loved it. It gets deep into your muscles like no other exercise and feels amazing. And, I found it to be the fastest and best way to actually change the way I looked and felt. Besides, I've read and heard in lots of places that unless women use steroids, we're just not made to bulk up like men and professionals do. I don't know that I was the best workout buddy for my bro because I couldn't "spot" him on as heavy of stuff as he'd like to lift, but I think it did give him some motivation to show up and, because I love cardio and he hated it, we didn't skimp on that.
When we first started working out, I lost 10 pounds almost immediately. This was encouraging because I'd been going to the gym for a while and felt good and healthy, but never really lost much. However, my pants still fit the same and even though I felt better, I didn't think I looked much different. Give it another couple months (or less!) and suddenly, my pants were falling off and people at the gym even commented to him that I was looking good. During this period of time, I didn't lose any pounds.
Being pregnant, I've gained maybe 5 pounds so far. But, my pants quit fitting a long time ago. I walk funny and my stomach sticks out.
So, I'm a big believer that while you should probably keep an eye on the number on the scale, it's really how you look and feel that matters. And, you should be sensible, not punitive with yourself.

Which brings up my next point. Yesterday I heard one of the women say how hungry she was because the little cup of yogurt she'd had for breakfast just wasn't enough. Okay, I do believe in portion control and, just to exaggerate, if you go from eating 3 greasy Micky D sandwiches for breakfast to a cup of yogurt, it's probably going to hurt a bit. But let's face it, most of us aren't making that big of changes and even if we were, doing so that drastically up front is sure to fail us. We'd never be able to stick with it. Personally, I believe the woman probably needed a bit more than yogurt to get her through the morning and she could probably eat a bit more and still be sensible about it.
The other women around her though chimed in with what I guess was support. They agreed with how hard it is to start a diet and encouraged her that her pain let her know it was working.

Later yesterday, I happened upon an article comparing the top 10 diets in America. It focused almost entirely on weight loss and not long term health. While it was supposedly objective by listing pros and cons of everything from Weight Watchers and Jenny Craig to Atkins and the Mediteranean diet, I really felt like it did little to discuss what is really healthy, what our bodies need, and that there is more to health than the number on the scale.
My favorite example, in a love to hate it way, was the Atkins diet. It mentioned that most people can't sustain a diet that high in protein for long because their bodies can't continually process it all and that long term it causes all kinds of scary heart and other problems but not without also pointing out that it seems to be the most effective in dropping pounds and dropping them fast.

Being pregnant, this is probably the first year since I was 12 that I haven't, at least on some level, had a goal myself to lose weight, work out more, etc as a New Year Resolution. It seems to be making me so clear headed and objective :) I like to think I was pretty sensible before as I've struggled with this issue for so long and learned a lot and also come to love and appreciate my body for what it is. It's not just this year, although everything is annoying me this week, that I really feel annoyed and angry at the focus that is out there to look and be and act a certain way. When it comes to losing weight, the smaller and lighter we are, the better, no matter how we look or feel. We don't eat and enjoy our food. We don't appreciate our bodies as they are. Even if we do, we feel obligated to talk as if we don't, especially when we're around other girls. We constantly compare ourselves.

There's a girl at work in the other department who recently returned from having gastric bypass surgery. She was a large girl and she has a lot of personality. She is dropping weight quickly, as one is supposed to do after that surgery. The woman who sits by me comments everytime the girl walks by about how good she looks and how good it is that she did that and it's so neat. I don't argue and it's not my place to judge. But, I've known a few people to have that surgery. Whether it's worked for them or not, I just think it's really kind of sad that someone would put themself through all that. It seems cruel. The consensus seems to be that it's good this girl did this because now her fun, cute personality can be appreciated.

I think we should learn to thank God for our food. We should celebrate the changing seasons and enjoy what he gives us "in the season thereof." We should trust Him to nourish and care for us. We should be glad for our physical selves, even with our so called flaws, because we haven't always been this way and it's something we wanted and needed. It was a gift. How do you think God feels when we criticize every bite we put in our mouths, every role or bump we see in our bodies? Have you ever given a gift and had it not only not appreciated, but criticized?
It's weird for me to see me pregnant. I'm extremely uncomfortable almost all the time. I can't hold in my stomach at all and boobs that were too big already now look like fat girl boobs. My ankles look funny when I take off my socks because the part above my sock line is about a half inch wider than the part below. But, for the first time in my life, I love my stomach. Not only does it show my baby, but now it's just there as a part of me with no judgement to be made, no change needing to be made. It's just perfect. When I struggle to stand up or move, I know there is a baby in there and I'm so thankful for that, I can't complain about my own discomfort. My body is fulfilling it's greatest purpose and it makes me realize that it has always served me well.

Silly but True

2008-12-31T12:51:00.002-07:00

Today I took Jeff to the doctor. He's had an ingrown toenail that needed to be taken care of. He'd had one removed on the other foot about 5 years ago so he knew a bit what to expect, but I didn't. He wanted someone there "to hold his hand" and I wanted to be there. Even after he'd told me about the experience before, I was a bit surprised that it was as big a deal as it was; his mom had told him he'd be okay to take himself so I guess I thought maybe it was silly of me to go with him.
They gave him laughing gas just so the shots that numb his toe wouldn't hurt so much. He has a hard time with needles and I could tell by his reaction these shots hurt A LOT. It was really hard to sit there thinking he feels pain and fear and I can do nothing. It was almost worse than anything I've had to have done to me because I couldn't take any of it on myself.
After the shots, his toe got very purple and very big very fast. The rest of it was gross, I didn't watch, but it didn't hurt him. After cutting out the toe nail, they had to put acid on it so that the nail won't grow back and there was a lot of blood even though they'd wrapped some kind of thing around his toe to keep it from bleeding much. EW!
Well, my point in writing this wasn't to share the gross stuff. Sorry. My point was how much love I felt for him seeing him in pain and not able to do anything but sit there and hold his arm. After the doctor, I took him to his dad's house so he can play video games with his brother who's out of school for the holiday and then I came to work. As I drove from there to work, I just had a really good feeling. A feeling of love I suppose. I was glad I'd taken the time off to be there with him. I would hate to think he went through that by himself.
And as silly as it sounds, the thought I had was that sometimes I feel good about myself because I've done something that is truly who I am. Teaching was like that. Holding babies is like that. And, just being there offering my support or strength to someone I care about so much was like that. It felt good to give something of myself. And I knew that I was where I should be and it's what I want to be doing with my life. Just loving those that matter, especially my husband and the baby that is on the way.

Kinda freaks me out

2008-12-26T16:12:00.002-07:00

I just read an article in the paper about people setting up their own genetic labs as a hobby. Some people who studied biology in college or something and now want to discover the cure for who knows what or, no joke, the article really said this, a way to make glowing tattoos. People for it say the next genius may be out there but people against it say it's really dangerous. There is no safety system in place when people are just doing this out of their garage or basement and have no advance training. I'm with the latter. It kind of freaks me out.

Another article I read this morning made it sound like more and more women are choosing at home births with a midwife nurse because of the cost of going to the hospital. Yeah, that's smart. I'll just do it at home by myself and save some money. I have heard there is a trend to home births and birthing centers because it provides a more comfortable envoironment for mom and baby. People are against drugs when giving birth because of the harm they think it does to the baby. Again, I'm with the skeptics. We've come along way so I don't have to worry so much that my baby or I am going to die of some strange disease or complication simply because we don't know any better. My grandmothers went through a lot so I don't have to!

Not even the same thing, but just as annoying to me, in the last few days visiting various family for the holidays someone actually said to me "they say if your kids hate you, you're doing a good job." What kind of advice is that!?!?!?! She doesn't even have a bad kid that needs to be kept in line or taught a lesson. But, he IS a teenager now so you know how bad and rebellious they are and you have to keep them in control. Another mother handed her son a beer and told him it's okay to drink it because he's old enough now even though his wife doesn't want him to (she said it right in front of the wife, by the way).

Everyone is complaining about the snow today. Admittedly, it was a long drive to work this morning and I'm scared to even leave because it's going to be worse going home. Even more scary is walking through my work's parking lot. It was pure ice this morning and now if I fall, I'm not the only one who will be hurt. I almost sat back in my car and cried. That said, we do live in Utah, snow is part of the deal. If we just could all slow down...

I really want to go live in a small town and be a hermit. I've never wanted to shelter my kids, thinking that does more harm than good. But, I certainly wish I could protect them from all this crap. And I want to hide... for a while anyway. People are so stupid.

Merry Christmas!

2008-12-24T12:00:00.002-07:00

I don't know if I've ever read this as published. I loved it!

Perhaps the most famous, and popular, editorial of all time was written by Francis Pharcellus Church of The New York Sun and appeared on Sept. 21, 1897:

We take pleasure in answering thus prominently the communication below, expressing at the same time our great gratification that its faithful author is numbered among the friends of The Sun :

Dear Editor,
I am 8 years old. Some of my little friends say there is no Santa Claus. Papa says, If you see it in The Sun , it's so.
Please tell me the truth, is there a Santa Claus?
--Virginia O'Hanlon

Virginia, your little friends are wrong. They have been affected by the skepticism of a skeptical age. They do not believe except they see. They think that nothing can be which is not comprehensible by their little minds. All minds, Virginia, whether they be men's or children's, are little. In this great universe of ours, man is a mere insect, an ant, in his intellect as compared with the boundless world about him, as measured by the intelligence capable of grasping the whole of truth and knowledge.
Yes, Virginia, there is a Santa Claus. He exists as certainly as love and generosity and devotion exist, and you know that they abound and give to your life its highest beauty and joy. Alas! how dreary would be the world if there were no Santa Claus! It would be as dreary as if there were no Virginias. There would be no childlike faith then, no poetry, no romance to make tolerable this existence. We should have no enjoyment, except in sense and sight. The external light with which childhood fills the world would be extinguished.
Not believe in Santa Claus! You might as well not believe in fairies. You might get your papa to have men to watch in all the chimneys on Christmas eve to catch Santa Claus, but even if you did not see Santa Claus coming down, what would that prove? Nobody sees Santa Claus, but that is no sign that there is no Santa Claus. The most real things in the world are those that neither children nor men can see. Did you ever see fairies dancing on the lawn? Of course not, but that's no proof that they are not there. Nobody can conceive or imagine all the wonders there are unseen and unseeable in the world.
You tear apart the baby's rattle and see what makes the noise inside, but there is a veil covering the unseen world which not the strongest man, nor even the united strength of all the strongest men that ever lived could tear apart. Only faith, poetry, love, romance can push aside that curtain and view and picture the supernal beauty and glory beyond. Is it all real? Ah, Virginia, in all this world there is nothing else real and abiding.
No Santa Claus! Thank God he lives and lives forever. A thousand years from now, Virginia, nay 10 times 10,000 years from now, he will continue to make glad the heart of childhood.

Talking to Myself

2008-12-19T15:20:00.004-07:00

Knowing my baby is a girl, makes me want to be a really good example. I hope that I would feel this way for a boy too, but with a girl, I want to be everything I think she should/would want to be. I want to show her how to navigate this life with grace and femininity and beauty.

Perhaps it is wordly that I so feel a need now to get my hair done and wear some pretty clothes. But I just want to appear on the outside to be everything I am on the inside. It's hard to assert myself in any way when I feel sloppy.
Today I told Jeff I need to quit wearing my gym pants to work. He asked if anyone said anything about it and when I said no, he said I'm the only one who cares. I asked if that wasn't enough? Doesn't it matter that I feel good about myself? Even in a worldly outward sense?
I don't even think it's that worldly. It's not like I'm worried about being up on the latest fashions and trends. I just want to be someone I feel good about being. I dont' want my baby to look at me and think she doesn't want to be like me or the things I try to teach her because I'm not respectable or I'm frumpy and dumpy or something.

Maybe none of that deeper stuff and trying to explain it to anyone even matters. The point is, I'm not feeling good about myself. I feel like I'm disappearing or something.
I've come to terms with my job, I like the people here and would even be sad in a way to not see them. But I'll be damned (oops :) if I'm going to be "stuck" here because I need health insurance or to support us just enough to live in someone else's basement or something. This isn't what I went to college for or what I want to do with the rest of my life. This isn't me!
I remember one time in college I was somewhere doing something and I could see my reflection in the glass. It wasn't real clear, kind of an ethereal moment or something. But I remember thinking I was happy with how I looked. For probably the first time in my life, since I started caring about those things, I was happy with my appearance. And it wasn't just on the outside. The point was, I was BEING who I wanted to be. Maybe I didn't have certain things I wanted or wasn't quite "there" yet, but I was going and I was doing and I had what I could have. I was happy.
Right now, I don't even know who I am or even what I want to look like. I'm so in love with Jeff and I'm so excited to be pregnant and to be a mom. I want to focus on those things, but all this life stuff keeps just wearing on things. Bills and stress and driving on slippery roads... it just keeps taking away from what I have. I need to just stop and say wait! this is what I'm doing, not all this other stuff. How do you do that when you'll probably just fall off the hamster wheel in your efforts?
Maybe that's why I start with the outside. At least let me pull myself together enough that I LOOK like I know who I am and what I'm doing. Maybe then I'll feel like people will at least see me as someone competent enough to give me some credit for owning my own life. Why do I need their permission or approval? I'm not sure.

I WANT TO DO MY HAIR AND WEAR SOMETHING PRETTY AND MAKE SOME CUTE THINGS FOR THE NURSERY.
I WANT TO DO A GOOD JOB WHERE I'M AT AND ENJOY THE PEOPLE AROUND ME AND EARN MY HEALTH INSURANCE AND KEEP US FED... AND THEN I WANT TO SAY GOODBYE AND FOCUS ON OTHER THINGS IN MY LIFE.
I WANT TO BE HOME WITH MY BABY SO I CAN TEACH HER PRIMARY SONGS AND DANCE MY DORKY DANCE WITH HER TO FUN MUSIC AND READ HER MATH BOOKS AND PHILOSOPHY BOOKS AND POETRY AND SHOW HER GREAT PAINTINGS AND WORKS OF ART.
I WANT TO BE THE WIFE AND THE QUEEN OF JEFF'S WORLD. I WANT TO LEARN HOW TO SHOP AND BUDGET AND COOK HEALTHY DINNERS AND TO PLANT A GARDEN. I WANT TO LOVE HIM AND MAKE SURE HE GOES TO THE DOCTOR WHEN HE'S CHILDISH AND DOESN'T WANT TO BE BOTHERED. I WANT TO CLEAN THE HOUSE AND MAKE IT PRETTY. I MIGHT EVEN WANT TO TAKE THE DOG FOR A WALK.
I WANT HIM TO FEEL GOOD ABOUT HIS WORK AND LIKE HE'S DOING SOMETHING WORTHWHILE AND NOT WORRY THAT SOMEDAY HE'LL END UP RESENTING ME OR THE KIDS FOR HAVING TO WORK HIS LIFE AWAY.
I WANT OUT OF DEBT AND TO HAVE A LITTLE LOG HOUSE ON THE PRAIRIE. I WANT SOME QUIET AROUND ME AND AIR TO BREATHE. I WANT TO NOT WORRY WHEN THE WORLD IS IN RECESSION AND THE SKY IS FALLING BECAUSE I HAVE MY OWN LITTLE WORLD THAT I'M IN CHARGE OF AND TAKING CARE OF AND MAKING BEAUTIFUL.

Power in Decision

2008-12-16T14:38:00.002-07:00

Sometimes I make a decision and it feels so rooted. What starts out as a thought, a desire, a trying on this choice to see how it fits or might play out, becomes a commitment inside myself somewhere and it just feels right. It's almost a prayer and kind of a promise to myself, but not even quite that formal. But it becomes that binding. It's as if my soul has been trying to speak and when I finally come to the conclusion or hear it in my conscious mind, my soul swallows it in to my being where it becomes part of me... really without much effort.

This happened in August. I was thinking of having a baby and kind of sad that I wasn't yet pregnant and the thoughts just came. It was almost like everything I'd thought and planned and hoped and wished for became something real, almost tangible. I knew something within myself and without any effort I said if I just commit to this, the rest will come. The fretting, the figuring, the questions were gone. It's like taking a step on faith. I was pregnant a couple weeks later.

Yesterday, I made a decision. It happened in this same way. Something I've been fretting over for months and trying to see different options and solutions to, just came in my head. Simply decide this and let the other stuff fit around it.
By making this connection, everything yesterday calmed down. Little stresses at work were manageable. Household chores that have recently felt insurmountable didn't get me so down. And all the questions that this would bring up, paled in comparison to the commitment of this choice.

Today, as is expected, there seem to be a million and one reasons telling me why this decision just isn't smart. But the inner peace I feel, keeps telling me it's right. It's like the sky is falling around me and I keep trying to figure out how I'm going to stop it when in reality, I just need to figure out how I'm going to shelter myself. This is what I'm doing. Now you all can fall around me as much as you want, but you can't touch me. I can't stop you, but I can create my safe haven.

The Thanksgiving Continues

2008-12-12T09:42:00.002-07:00

For the last two years, the paycheck before Thanksgiving had a $25 gift card to Smith's in it. This is great for stretching the budget. This year, that payday came and went and I didn't even think about it until some of the guys I sit by were talking about it. We assumed that with all the cutbacks being made, that was something that had to go. Oh well. We wouldn't complain.
But! in my last check, there was a gift card! I was thinking I could use it to buy candy bars for Christmas presents for all our nephews (well, not JUST the nephews, I just say it that way because we suddenly have so many between the two of us and it's kind of fun). Sadly though, my car was out of gas yesterday and it not so sadly dawned on me that some of the Smith's stores have gas stations. Perhaps the gift card would work there?
So we went. AND it did work! AND not only did I get free gas, but because I shop at Smith's, I had earned a $0.15 off per gallon reward. Not too shabby. AND gas prices have fallen so much lately anyway. I got a full tank of gas- over 13 gallons (I don't know if I've EVER been that out) for $18.41 that I didn't even have to pay for! Without the gift card, I don't know what I would have done- walked to work today? :)

Yesterday I also called my favorite nephew James for his birthday. He's 17!!!!!! I can't even believe it. I know, I know, I'm not supposed to have favorites, but James and I have always been close. I still claim him, selfishly without regard to his parents, as MY baby. I spent the first year, year and a half out of high school taking care of the kid mostly because my mom was taking care of our grandparents and his parents had to work. He was such a beautiful boy (and still is!). I would pack him around everywhere with me. Sometimes I would pick the other kids up from school and we'd get out of the car and play on the lawn. I remember laying on my back on the ground, putting my feet on his chest and lifting him up in the air so he could fly. One time when the elementary school was doing school pictures, I volunteered to take him when they did the little kids' pictures. He wore a blue sweater and we spiked his white blonde hair and he had the cutest smile.
I once worried that someday he'd be too old and too cool to hug his auntie. I also was afraid that life changes and one of us would move away. I just hoped he'd remember, at least in some way, the feelings we had when he was little. Fortunately for me, he still hasn't gotten too old or too cool or too far away. I don't see him much anymore, but he always hugs me and tells me he loves me. Last night (shh, don't tell his other aunties) he said that I'm his favorite aunt and I "better never forget it." When I got married, I was told that he said something pretty darn cool in defense of me and my feelings and my day.
Just to be silly, Jeff has decided to call my Jamesy, "Jimmy." As I talked to James last night, Jeff called out "happy birthday Jimmy." When I told James what he'd said, he laughed. I said, "you know, that's probably gonna stick so if it bugs you, you better let us know." He said it was totally fine. I think it's cute that Jeff would give him a nick-name.
Anyway, it was just great to talk to James yesterday and have him say what he said. I really adore the guy. (P.S. I hope I don't hurt anyone else's feelings saying this about him. My affection for James does not diminish my feelings for any of my other "favorites.")

Don't Listen to the Dumbs

2008-12-11T10:13:00.004-07:00

Well, as usual, stuff has come up this week to make stressful me really stress. Yesterday, I felt determined. I prayed in the morning and sometimes I just feel more in touch that way. It helped a lot. I decided I have to stop waiting to see what life is doing and start doing it myself. This is a lesson I've always felt needed learning by me.
This morning I got up and threw up and just cried and felt frustrated all morning. I felt overwhelmed and under-appreciated. I felt weak and like giving up. After talking to Jeff, I've again determined to be happy and positive and look to make life what I want it to be and not just get pushed around by all the mixed up things life tries to force on us.

My sister and I used to have a saying "don't listen to the dumbs!" (to give proper credit, she probably told it to me first). This morning I felt like no matter what I think or believe in or want, life is just going to take it away. People keep telling Jeff that "everybody hates their job." I keep fearing that I will be stuck with my job, even after the baby, because you have to have health insurance, I have benefits and security and it's a good little job and "you can't live on one income."
Okay okay okay. WE KNOW! Jeff is willing to work and do something just because he has to. I will do what I have to to take care of my family and do my part. But WHY in the world should Jeff sell himself short, not expect something more of himself and life, and just go out and get any dumb old job? Why shouldn't he look for something better!? Why should I just become another working mother? I can't even breast feed my own baby because I have to go to work? That is evil personified if you ask me! Why shouldn't we expect more? Hope for more? Work for more?

So today I'm determined to listen to myself. To go inside and remember my hope, my dreams, even my own abilities, and make something of it! One of my "talents" is goals and dreams and vision and making it happen. I don't say that in grandeur, I say that knowing that when I pray and have faith, God has always helped me to accomplish these things. Why should now be any different?

Not finished

2008-12-02T15:19:00.002-07:00

Yesterday I read an article about Faith Hill doing a cover for a magazine wearing a bikini. Faith Hill is quoted as saying it's her birthday present to herself (it's her 41st? birthday and she's had 3 kids and she looks like that! kind of thing). The writer of this article said that celebrity swimsuit photos should come with a warning; normal people don't look like that.
This article, I thought, was unique because the writer, also in her 40's with a couple kids, claimed to be an athletic type. She and her mother run marathons! So, it's not just a fat, "normal" person complaining about the images we see, but someone who could possibly live up to the hype. She said that people like Faith Hill claim to get back in shape after a baby with exercise and a reasonable diet, perhaps even just by breastfeeding. So, she took the challenge. Adding to her already rigorous workout routine, she added kick boxing classes and admitted that she was now working out about 8 hours (or was it more?) a week. She said she really was spending enough time that it was like a part time job! And, although she didn't change her diet, she also noted that she generally cooks organic and really healthy stuff at home, far from the typical American diet.
I think she spent three months doing this to prove that she too could have Faith Hill-like abs. The result? She was in awesome shape! The army expects recruits to be able to do so many sit ups and push ups in a given amount of time. She had that beat no problem. She was toned etc. BUT, she still had a slouchy, saggy belly from having babies. Her point was, without plastic surgery, personal trainers, cooks and nutritionists on hand, etc. and really even making more than the average person can do effort, we are still flawed. Accept it, love yourself, and be happy.

I have always had just one or two very white hairs on the front of my head. They are more noticeable when I have bangs. I noticed them when I was in high school and it was literally like two or three hairs. My dad has beautiful, shiny, white hair. No gray, no dullness. The story is, his mom, who also had the beautiful white hair, started going white before she was 30. My sister and I always said it would be so cool to have pure white hair and we wanted to "race" to see who got there first. She's six years older and I think is starting to look salt and peppered. Since I got married (or perhaps it's since a certain age :), I have noticed a few more white hairs on top of my head. More than a couple times, standing in the sun with Jeff and his tallness above me, he's remarked "ooh, you're sparkly!" which is sweet of him considering the first time he noticed I think it highlighted our somewhat large age difference and kind of freaked him out.
A few days ago someone at work commented "you're getting gray aren't you?" Well, I'm not getting gray, it's still only a few hairs. But, yes, they are getting more noticeable. A part of me is proud of my white hairs. It's like my inheritance. And it's not about age or getting old or even stress, like some people claim. It's just me.
But, because of... I don't know? whatever's out there... I'm starting to worry. If someone across the cubicle notices my hair, maybe it's getting more obvious. If I'm just now having a baby and Jeff is that much younger than I am, I don't want to look old and let's face it, gray hair does age you even when it's pretty. I don't want to look "out of style" or like I let myself go or...something.

I find myself really struggling with these kinds of things. It's not like I expect to have supermodel abs, but knowing it's not even possible for super athletic woman is... well, freeing on the one hand, but scary at the same time. Scary because there is so much out there telling us how we should be. To stand against it feels so... isolating.

My Thanksgiving

2008-11-28T09:29:00.002-07:00

I had a nice day yesterday. I think it really helps the sicky stuff when I don't have to wake up to the alarm clock, get the dog outside, and be somewhere by a certain time with stress and work and deadlines waiting for me. Wednesday I had been pretty yucky all day so I was excited to wake up Thursday feeling normal hunger pains and no sick-ies.

I guess my Thanksgiving holiday started Wednesday. A couple weeks ago, when I took the garbage out, there was a cute little corner computer desk sitting by the dumpsters. I got Jeff and we went out and brought it home. It had been sitting in the middle of our living room for two weeks and we were about deciding we didn't really want it. But when I got home Wednesday, Jeff had rearranged the whole living room. This means that I now have our kitchen table back (that's where the computer has been). We also brought the t.v. out of Jeff's game room so we can have people over to watch movies etc more comfortably AND with the little room somewhat emptied, we can have a place for the baby! I'm so excited to set up a nursery now, I can't see straight. My only hesitation is, can we keep affording our rent?!?!

We also went to my mom's house Wednesday night. I like to help my mom make stuff for the holidays. I miss not being home and fretting with and helping her. Jeff went with me and he and Khrystine talk a lot, which is fun for me. Sometimes they both like to argue (not so fun for me) but they seem to click. And they and Dad watched the movie Hancock. It was fun to just be there for a while.

Yesterday, as I said, I woke up feeling good. About 1, we went over to Stephen and Heather's to say hi to everyone. I actually got to see ALL the family (except of course for Ben and Mel in Florida) so that was fun. Jeff hasn't been around Stephen's new group much. The twins took an instant liking to his tall bigness and soon he was flipping them over his shoulder and lifting them up high enough to bump their heads on the ceiling. This of course was completely delilghtful for me. It was fun to see Gina and baby Hunter and think that this time next year, we'll have a baby the same size as Hunter is now. WOW! That kinda blew us both away. Unfortunately, I didn't get to talk as much to Karen as I'd hoped. She got there just before we left, but at least I got to see her for a minute.

From there, we went to Jeff's grandma's. I'm starting to feel more comfortable and like I know people so that's good. But there is still a bit of feeling new and awkward. There are a lot of new people and step kids and someone's in laws etc. So it's hard to keep track of them all, but it was fun. We had some really good food. I just wanted to eat more than I did. Luckily, we got to bring some home with us :)

We went home and the dog had behaved (I was so glad for that!) and watched a movie... hm, I think it was called Meet Dave. It had Eddie Murphy as an alien. Actually, his body is more like the ship that all these little one inch high people are operating. It was pretty cheesy, but fun. Then I went to bed and I'm back at work today with not a whole lot to do. My tummy is a bit sicky, but I think it's just 10 o'clock and I need to eat again (I get hungry everyday at this time).

I am thankful for...

2008-11-26T08:51:00.001-07:00

Today I filled my car up with gas- from almost touching E to the pump stopping because it's full- for only $20.29!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Another post

2008-11-21T15:45:00.002-07:00

I guess I should post something new and be done with the sad story. The dog is going much better by the way. It's been a long week and I'm very tired. I think I need a vacation. Someone called the other day and asked for Jeff. I was hoping it was a job and gave him the phone. It was someone offering a free night's stay in Park City. He declined and I was glad because nothing is free and I'm sure they would just try to sell us something once we got there. But, I keep thinking, wouldn't it be nice to go on vacation? Like when I was a kid and Dad took care of everything and I could just relax? Now if we want to go on vacation, we have to figure out how to pay for it and drive there ourselves and... bah, who needs THAT stress???

I'm really looking forward to the holidays this year. I don't know what exactly I'm looking forward to. I think (mommy would be so proud!) the thing I'm most looking forward to is all the pretty, sparkly, colorful lights and decorations. I just want to sit in my living room and look at my little Charlie Brown tree and drink hot chocolate. Maybe THAT would be a vacation!

Speaking of looking forward to things... next week, the day after Thanksgiving, is my next doctor's appointment. I guess I look forward to going because it gives me a chance to know everything is alright and it makes this real. You'd think my heaviness and throwing up would make it real! but you know what I mean. I think, from what I've read and heard, I'll probably be having an ultrasound and finding out the sex next month? That will be a fun Christmas present. I think it's kind of cool that it was my birthday when I was really starting to wonder and look for this to be it. I kind of got to tell my mom I thought I was when she took me out for my birthday. That's fun. At the time, I was concerned that I was ruining the surprise, but now I'm glad she got to share the suspense with me :)

I think this weekend I'm going to make Jeffrey go out with me driving around and looking at apartments to see if we can get any numbers for apartments for rent. I really don't want to move; it sounds so hard right now! But I really think we need to find a less expensive apartment. I don't know how that will go over with the dog or if cheaper apartments even exist!

I'm really looking forward to sleeping this weekend.

A Sad Story

2008-11-14T14:42:00.002-07:00

My dog is such a good sweet dog. She gets a little hyper or annoying sometimes, but she takes such good care of me. When I'm sick, she seems to know and she stays by me. When I've been sad, she looks at me concerned and tries to lick it better.
Niobe is very good about staying with me when we go outside. Sometimes we let her go out by herself. She's afraid of people so we don't have to worry about that- she'll come running back before she'd ever go after anybody. Sometimes when we let her out alone, I have to encourage her to go up the stairs by herself because she'll wait for me.
When we first got her, she was potty trained and she was comfortable with us (we got her from Jeff's dad's family). But, being in a new place, it took her a long time to get comfortable with her surroundings. We would put her on a leash and take her to the backyard and then take off the leash so she could sniff around. It seemed to take her a long time to even know it was okay to go to the bathroom.
All of this combined, I often take the dog out without a leash. Especially lately, I think I should use one more for the security of anyone else that happens to be outside than for the dog's safety or to keep her under control. But, being pregnant, I've been quite lazy, especially if I'm the one to take her out in the morning. Lately I've just been watching from the bottom of the stairs because she's so good about doing her thing and coming right back and then if I need to I know to go clean up.

The other night when I got home from work I opened the door to let her out. Sometimes when she really has to go, she'll run up the stairs without hesitating. So she did this night. I was right behind her though, or so I thought. When she got to the top of the stairs, she bolted. She's done this once or twice before when she goes after a cat or a bird. She's just playing. I called her name and got to about the third step just in time to see her dash into the parking lot. A car was also coming through and hit her full on the side.
I really expected her to be dead when I got there. I called back to Jeff who I hadn't even said hi to yet hoping he'd come out. He stays much more calm than I do in stressful situations. I got to the top of the stairs and Niobe wasn't near the car. Instead she came running from the other direction, went straight down the stairs and into the apartment. I called her again to try to get her to come to me so I could see if she was alright, but thinking she was still running she must be at least somewhat okay.
The driver had stopped his car and got out. I thought I better talk to him. I felt almost as bad for him as I did the dog. He was a young guy and pretty shook up. He said he saw the cat but not the dog, he just heard her yelp and felt the car hit something. I apologized and told him she was still running so she's probably okay. He stood there for a bit and then calmed down and left just as Jeff was coming out asking what was going on.
We got Niobe to come up the stairs and go to the bathroom and watched to see if she was limping or if anything was bleeding. She had a pretty good cut on her face and her tail looked bent, but she was walking okay, just emotionally upset. We took her in and cleaned her cut and just watched her the rest of the night. We didn't know where to take her and we didn't have any money either. She went up and down the stairs a time or two more, but by the time I was going to bed, I couldn't get her up the stairs. I wasn't sure if she was hurt or just scared.
We took her to the doctor the next day (thanks to our moms for helping with the money) and she seemed to be okay. There's a possibility her tail is broken but that would have to heal on it's own anyway. She has been very good about taking pain pills and an antibiotic. The doctor said that even a bruised muscle can cause infection so the antibiotic is precautionary. Our nervous dog did surpsrisingly well with it all but it was a rough visit anyway. She seems to be doing better now, but is still very cautious and will yelp for no reason or when she moves and I worry something hurts more than just aches and pains.

Expectorant

2008-11-10T16:05:00.002-07:00

(I can really tell what kind of a day I'm having/mood I'm in by the things I find funny. I find my title wonderfully creative, a bit sarcastic, clever and oh so funny. That should tell you what kind of a day this has been :) )
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When I was born,
they looked at me and said,
what a good boy, what a smart boy, what a strong boy...

When you were born,
they looked at you and said,
what a good girl, what a smart girl, what a pretty girl...

We've got these chains
hangin round our necks,
people wanna strangle us with 'em, before we take our first breath

Afraid of change,
Afraid of stayin the same,
When temptation calls, we just look away....
BNL

This is one of my all time favorite songs EVER. Anyone who knows me knows all the expectations I feel, my need to please others, my almost abusive behavior toward myself to be what I'm "supposed" to be. This song speaks to those concerns.
The lines about love and "be with me tonight" have always resonated with me. Was I going to be so hard on myself, so rigid in my life, that even love was a temptation and something I tried to "do right?" It wasn't fair to me or to the other person to hold so tightly to this false front of being what I thought everyone else wanted; of never being truly myself. Falling in love, meeting that person, proved these feelings more than I would have guessed listening to this song prior to meeting him.
BNL is one of the best bands ever. I love their music for music's sake. I love their poetry and lyrics. They seem often to double play words and you'll be listening to something all upbeat and silly and then realize the words could mean something else and it becomes very profound. That's what I love about poetry anyway... it's feelings that people relate to, not the actual event or goings-on.
I love this song for what it says to me. It's like when I hear a song that speaks to me, it somehow not only validates my feelings, but gives me the permission (as one who lives under the weight of expectation would need) to express them or even just to have them. And then it frees me to "give in to the temptation" to just be myself, to let go of the expectations, even simply (or not so simply for some of us) to love someone else. (See, expectorant- to cause to expel or get rid of- doesn't seem like such an odd title now does it?)

Anyway, I was listening to this song over and over on the way to and from work the other day. Thinking about my baby, I don't want to put that weight of expectation on him/her. I just want to love him and teach him to be his own person and to be happy. There is so much to experience and do in life! It can be such an exciting place.
As I listened to the song, these ideals and hopes I've had for myself as a parent were more real than ever and I fear how I will give them to someone else when I've struggled (and still do) to let myself have them.
And I wondered about expectations. I want my baby to know she is the most beautiful, smart, wonderful girl in the whole world. I want him to be strong and brave and able to do anything he wants. That right there is the very thing the song starts out with. Before we even take our first breaths, people are labeling, defining us... even with the best of intentions.

My Political Spin

2008-11-06T13:15:00.002-07:00

Tuesday night, I told Jeff I didn't think it would be that "weird" to have a black president. He agreed. I suppose this shows our naivety. I think Utah is supposed to be known as such a white Mormon state, so it's not really like I know much about racial issues etc. But we both went to schools that were considered more diverse. Seeing interracial couples was not a big deal and it just doesn't seem to us that people of our generation really are even aware of prejudice and racism. I think this is a good thing; people are people, not a color, culture, or race.
I didn't see much t.v. Tuesday night to know what was going on with the election. Jeff had it on a bit and I listened from the other room and it sounded like Obama was ahead, but still close. Wednesday morning I listened to the radio on the way to work to find out what had happened. When they talked about Obama winning and that it was a historical thing being the first African American president, I admit I got more than choked up. It is a NEAT thing. It IS a big deal. I felt rather proud that our country would see men and not a color. I sensed somewhat that there is a whole group of people out there that have faced racism and prejudice, simply because of a color. I felt hope that we have come or are going past this. I felt a sense of relief, as if those things could maybe be put behind us or healed somehow.
Someone at work mentioned that there is probably a need to be concerned about an assassination threat because of some of the radical groups that are out there that have already voiced certain opinions. I hadn't even thought of that. I have heard that people are afraid of Obama's Muslim ties or that he's a terrorist. Again, it must be my naivety, but I can't even wrap my head around such things.
Today I read an article about a high school in Florida that people were trying to change the name of. It is named for a Confederate general who is also believed to be the first Grand Wizard of the KKK. It was originally started as an all white school but now over half the students are black. The school board voted to keep the name. People opposed to changing it just didn't see it as necessary. One person argued that we shouldn't hide or change history and the man was a general who played a big role. I almost bought that argument except for the KKK ties. How would it feel to be part of a group that was so targeted and then have people just not care that that is thrown in your face? And that probably puts it nicely.

On a less serious note, there was a very nice picture on the front page of Wednesday's Tribune of the Obama family. I don't think any words showed on that half of the paper, so that when it was displayed in the racks, you would only see the picture. I think Mrs. Obama and their daughters are very beautiful (darn my superficial-ness again!). Their daughters are quite young. I wondered what it's like for them to know their dad is the president and they are going to live in the White House. The older daughter looks old enough to have some understanding but still young enough to get caught up in the excitement of "yay! daddy, you won!" I wondered if it's weird for them. Then I wondered what their life has been like up to now. Have they always been political? Do they go to schools and family parties and associate with other kids who have parents in government? Like celebrities who may not even realize they are famous because that's just the way life is? What a different world.

Hello me, are you there?

2008-11-04T13:31:00.003-07:00

I know I blog too much about my appearance and what some think is wordly, superficial concerns. And I start each blog this same way and feel a need to apologize. But for those of you who don't mind talking about it (Mom? Khrys? Are you there?), read on....

Not long before finding out for sure that I'm pregnant, but pretty sure I was, I went to the store on a Saturday morning. I just ran over for a few necessities and, not feeling so hot anyway, threw on my sweats. I never care until I get there that I look less than stellar. Walking across the parking lot, I thought about how I looked. It was weird in that moment because I thought of myself being someone's mom, not someone... I don't even know how to explain it. I imagined being there with my kids and the image I wanted to portray was much different than I've ever thought about it before.
Of course, meeting Jeff and getting married, you stop thinking, in a way, of attracting the opposite sex, whether you're really concious of these thoughts or not. I never before thought of myself as sexy or alluring or anything on those lines, but I think that even when I wasn't thinking about it or trying, I was always trying to look pretty or even look a certain part when I ventured out in public.
I've floundered a lot with my appearance since getting married. It's been strange to me. It's almost like I don't even know what styles I like or how I want to look. I've thought it's just a new identity I've taken on in life or something. But in this moment, walking into the store thinking of myself as a mother, I realized I really am stepping into a whole new role. It's someone I've never been before in my life.

I'm thinking about this stuff today because as I start to feel a little better, I feel like getting ready in the morning. This, I suppose, makes me critical of my recent letting go; I feel like I'm doing good if I'm clean and dressed and at work, forget the looking good stuff.
My pants are also getting too small and uncomfortable. Today I thought I would wear a skirt. I have lots of pretty skirts and a lot of them are loose and comfy. I wore an outfit that once would have been my favorite- in my quirky, dorky self way; a look I felt I pulled off or at least didn't care if I didn't in college. My skirt is very pretty; I'd like to find more tops to go with it. I like to dress it down a bit with a hooded sweatshirt, in a pretty color, and usually flip flops or sandals. Today is cold so I wore sneakers that I bought for the very purpose of being able to wear them with skirts (the quirky, dorky thing). I got sick after I got out of the shower this morning, so that left no time for my hair or make-up. Perhaps it's just being at an office, but I just feel really lacking in the outward appearance today. But what I decided is, this casual, care-free look just isn't working for me anymore. Natural and comfy I want to hold onto, but not care less and undone. It's time to grow up.
When I think of being a mother, I forget to imagine the baby cereal in my tangled hair and the need to wear big, loose, cover everything shirts. (I'm actually looking forward to that! haha). But I want to be a bit... elegant or polished. I want my children to know what it means to be a lady. Not stylish and competitive looking with my 16 year old daughter. Not stuffy and unable to get down on the floor and wrestle with my toddlers. But pulled together and pretty. I just want to be pretty.

Another thing I'm noticing about myself today is how I always talk in questions and like I'm seeking advice. Okay, lots of times I am. But sometimes I realize I talk this way and it bothers me. I DO know something and CAN make up my mind about some things all by myself. It bothers me when I start to feel like I'm talking down to myself by doing this. I also realize that it's almost an avoidant behavior. If I can get you talking, I don't have to commit to any ideas, opinions, etc. I can keep my precious secrets to myself and not lay them out there for someone to stomp all over. I'm doing the same thing with this discussion of my looks. Like I want to end by asking for someone's opinion or advice or help. As if I can't stand up and say for myself...?... I even started with an apology. "If you're reading my blog, I'm sorry for what I'm saying?" That makes sense.

So, advice anyone??? :)-

Trick or Treat

2008-10-31T13:09:00.002-07:00

I dressed up (a little bit anyway) for Halloween today for the first time in... a few years anyway. I'm wearing a red velvet dress and sandals and big chandelier earrings. I have a sash tied around my forehead/front of my hair that is made of Halloween fabric in blues and purples with black velvety shapes of bats and witches. I'm wearing heavier make-up than usual and was thinking kind of a gypsy type look. I was going to try to take a picture of myself this morning, but got too hurried. Besides, I can't get on the internet at home right now and wouldn't be able to post it any time soon. So, you'll just have to imagine how pretty and festive I look. Hehe.

To Get to the Other Side

2008-10-23T08:04:00.003-07:00

No joke. Today I actually had to stop my car to wait for a rooster to cross the road. He wasn't sure he wanted to go so he just stopped in front of my car for several minutes. Finally, I decided to go around him, afraid he'd bolt just as I started going. Phewf! He didn't. After I passed, a bit concerned because it's a busy little road in the morning (there's a school and a an office building nearby), I checked the rearview mirror to see him finish crossing the street.
......
Gas is less than $3 a gallon! I'm so excited. I have a full gas tank for the first time in months. I've been driving Jeff's car the last few days because mine was out of gas and I had to wait for pay day. It's nice to be back in my car. I'm quite attached emotionally to it. Is that wordly? When I bought it, I thought it would last me forever and be the car I drove my babies around in. It's funny that now that's coming true. My pretty purple car.
I think I've done really well emotionally being pregnant. I thought I would be freaking out and a blithering mess and was worried about Jeff. I think I've been pretty darn good, much to my surprise, that way. Lately though, I am overly sentimental. I wrote an email to Ben yesterday about looking for apartments and about burst into tears missing him. That's not too out of the ordinary- he's my favorite and SO far away. I thought of Karen the other day and got so melancholy- I haven't talked to her for so long. I had a conversation with Jeff's mom in my head and I was overwhelmed with gratitude for her help and so concerned that she'll think I'm not a good wife. And now, I just did the same thing talking about my car. I have so much feeling... Silly hormones :)
......
Pants, especially jeans, are always a bit snug fresh out of the dryer. I've found the better they fit in general, the more I have to stretch them out a bit after washing them. Lately, my pants have been snug even NOT just out of the dryer. This morning, fresh from the dryer, there was no hope of getting them done up. What was I going to do!? I only have two pairs that fit me now. I wore them around the house undone for as long as I could, took a deep breath and a hop and managed to get them done up. I ran out of breath bending over to kiss Jeff good bye.

Religion

2008-10-14T15:20:00.003-07:00

I saw, but didn't read, an article in the paper with a picture of one of our senators. I think he is pretty well known and has been around for a while. It is also well known that he is a "good Mormon." I don't even know what the article was about but it made me think how it kind of bothers me when people add the phrase "and he's a member of the church" to explaining people and their behavior. It's even more bothersome when they are surprised that the person's actions don't live up to what "good Mormons" should be doing.

I guess it bothers me because saying someone is a Mormon or a member of the church should mean something. We should be able to have a little faith in these people as representatives of what our church stands for. But, we are all human. What really bothers me is that this expectation or explanation seems to dismiss good people who are not Mormon. Don't we expect moral, good choices of people who go to other churches or even no church? And can't people who aren't Mormon exhibit great and good behaviors? Doesn't God love them too?

I'm pretty sure most people don't mean it this way, but it's just something that I've been thinking about.

Yesterday driving home from work, a song was on the radio that wasn't a church song, not a Christian song, not a Classical piece of great value. It was quite secular. It's not even one I like all that much, but in my head, I said to my baby, oh, this is a great song. You have so much to experience here. Coincidentally, I was driving past a church.

I got to thinking of all the things I want to teach my children. Setting the church stuff aside, or even including it but not being exclusive to it, there is a lot of good stuff in life to experience. It kind of made me wonder if religion in general doesn't stifle a bit. Don't get me wrong, I've always believed that the commandments and standards of our church are there for our own benefit as much as anything. It just seems that rules and punishments sometimes... well, when you have a personality like mine anyway... kind of make you feel guilty for everything.

Things to enjoy in this life:

Caramel apples- but sugar is bad for you and there's too many calories and why take a perfectly wonderful, natural thing like an apple and put candy on it?

Music that makes you wanna dance and sing- a seminary teacher might point out to you what the song is "really" saying and anything secular is probably just about sex and drugs. Even if it's not, there are "better" things to listen to and do.

First kisses and holding hands and having crushes- whoa! this is a big one. Gotta watch that morality thing. Don't date until your 16, probably shouldn't think too much about it because you know where those thoughts will go... Oh my gosh! I'm so scared for your eternal salvation!

Swimming and feeling cold water and hot sun on your skin- better watch the modesty thing, see previous item... I can't say it all again, it's just too scary!

Staying in and drinking hot chocolate on a snowy day- lazy, lazy, lazy! where's your work ethic!

I guess I'm feeling a bit sarcastic and ornery today. It's not really a church thing, just kind of thinking and that seems to be the best label I have for it. I want to teach my children everything. I want them to be happy and enjoy this life and all that we're given here. I don't want that to be limited. Art, science, math, poetry, just having fun and enjoying things- THAT is what I sometimes think God has given us. Not rules and inhibitions to limit ourselves.

Silly dreams

2008-10-09T15:00:00.002-07:00

I've had two dreams the last two nights that somehow seem blog worthy. Probably aren't, but I thought they were somehow insightful into my life right now.

The night before last, I dreamed I went to get a haircut. The girl asked what I was thinking of and when I told her I brought a picture, she said she's been trying not to work from pictures because it limited her ability or kept her from getting better or something. So I tried to describe it to her. In real life, I've thought of this haircut, or something similar, but never settle on it. In the dream, she told me okay, be brave, we're going to do this. Just then, Jeff came in to the little log cabin, gift shop, hair salon, whatever place this was. I said, but you have to ask him first because he probably won't like it. I don't know if I woke up then or the dreamed just changed or what but I also remember thinking I had to remember to tell her I'm pregnant and really too lazy to do anything with my hair right now so I needed something very low maintenance. I also didn't want to go too short because when the baby comes, I'll want to be able to just pull my hair up and not worry about it.
I really was determined to be cool pregnant. Right now, I'm doing good if I can get up, take a shower and get dressed for work. Hair, make-up, looking good? Who can think of such things!

Last night I dreamed that they told me my job was done. I wasn't fired, it was just over. Friday would be my last day. I was so happy and relieved to not have to worry about it anymore. Then I realized I'd have to get a new one and that was kind of a bummer, but I thought I'd just get something easy going to get through until the baby comes.

Advice anyone?

2008-10-07T13:03:00.002-07:00

Sometimes when I clean, I feel like I've done a good job, only to turn around and see a million more surfaces that should be sanitized. Sometimes, a quick job leaves me satisfied because it's better than nothing and I know if I do a little something each time, that will be as good as doing a big something only once in a while. Other times, it just doesn't feel like enough, no matter how big a job I do.
I sat on the bathroom floor the last time I cleaned and wondered how in the world one would clean the back of and underneath the toilet tank. Which brings me to under and behind the stove and fridge. How often are you supposed to clean there? And I'm really supposed to drag them out in the middle of the floor? My kitchen isn't even big enough to pull them out and leave room for me to climb behind them- let alone bend over with a dust pan or such.
I feel like I don't get the shower clean unless I use a soapy, scrubby cleanser and really get in there and scrub. Then I see these commercials for spray and it looks like they just spray it and wipe it down- like I do the counter tops. Maybe that's enough if I did it more frequently? How frequently is that?

I've been trying to be very conservative with spending money lately. I pay attention to which brands cost more/less etc. Recently, I bought less expensive body wash and lotion. Luckily, it hasn't made my sensitive skin totally freak out yay! But, my skin is dry. It usually gets dry around this time of year and that's when I buy the wonderful smelling Oil of Olay body wash to salvage my skin. And, it lasts long enough, I think the price is justified. But, as we've tried to cut our overall budget, I can't really justify even a $5 body wash, when the store brand is only $2 and will last just as long. As colder weather comes, I'm worried my skin WILL freak out.

I don't really believe in eating white bread. Sometimes, wheat bread seems just as refined, it's just brown. The kind I really like to buy that has a short list of pronounc-able ingredients and no preservatives is getting close to $5 a loaf! So much for that. It used to be worth buying, again, because it would last a long time. But also again, when trying to cut the whole budget, $5 is a large percentage of the whole bill.
That said, Jeff will only eat white bread. I've often bought just the store brand for his toast etc. But, he recently convinced me that Wonder Bread is better than the store brand. It's only $2 a loaf compared to my $5, but that's double the cost of the store brand! What to do, what to do?

Being pregnant, eating has been quite an experience lately. Sometimes I am so hungry I eat like I'm just starved right to death. Other times, even thinking of food makes me sick and it's like I have to force feed myself just to have some kind of nourishment. At times, I've been so hungry that I think I really need to eat nutrient dense food- spinach, brussel sprouts, eggs. But last week, I really felt like I'd eaten too complex of stuff for my body to be able to process it. I had a small sandwich for dinner followed by jelly filled doughnuts, feeling like my body needed quick, easily processed energy. Maybe that's not such a bad thing sometimes?
I was also wondering about kids' seemingly natural aversion to healthy food, like vegetables. I've always thought I would start my kids early on such baby food delights as strained peas and spinach so they develop a taste for it. Good point perhaps. But, the way I've felt lately, I've wondered if their "natural" aversion isn't because their poor little tummies aren't developed enough to process it.
I've learned a new thankfulness for some of our convenience foods, like Pop Tarts, that at least pretend to give me some nourishment and vitamins and are convenient and not upsetting to my tummy.
I'm also wondering if it might not be practical, for a few more weeks anyway, to not go out and buy a bunch of groceries, but to keep some cash on hand so I can get food I actually feel I can stomach. When all I have is spinach in the freezer and my body needs doughnuts, what will I do?!

The People in My Neighborhood

2008-10-02T10:35:00.002-07:00

There's a lady at work in customer service that is a bit odd. (Well, there is more than one, but this one in particular...). She's a bit old and small and skinny and asks the same questions week to week. Sometimes her questions don't really make sense. The team I work in does all kinds of stuff, so we get a lot of questions from and give help to customer service. Sometimes when this lady comes over, after she leaves, people kind of joke about whatever she was asking. I really don't think it's mean spirited, just kind of confused about trying to figure her out. Sometimes, it's a bit frustrated because someone had just explained that to her last week and, given that she's worked here for years, she should know it anyway.
I heard the other day that this woman's live in boyfriend died. She'd been out of work for at least a couple days, but I heard it one day and she was back to work the next and it didn't seem like she'd been gone very long. Perhaps, probably, I just had no reason to notice her absence.
It made me very sad. She is an odd person, but she's not even one of those people that you wonder what love must feel like to them because they are so bossy and controlling or maybe even just socially inept. This woman kind of seems like a shell of a person. Like you know someone's in there, but you never really see it come out. But, no matter what a person is like, to lose someone you love, hurts. And this made me very sad for this person.
To make matters worse, yesterday I overheard some people joking about her. I didn't really listen because it was making me too upset and I was busy, but they were close enough to me, I couldn't help overhearing a bit. I think these people were joking about what kind of person the guy must have been to be half of a couple with her. I generally respect the people that were making the jokes and can think that they were just being like that in that defensive way I think we all sometimes get when something is sad- we make jokes that really could be hurtful and in bad taste if anyone out of your immediate group overheard.
Anyway, I keep seeing this little lady and I feel so sad I almost cry. I wonder if anyone ever hugs her or even just lets her talk? And I'll make excuses for not being the one to do it by saying I don't really know her and she seems to be the kind of person that wouldn't warm up to you if you did try.

On a lighter note, another woman at work loaned me a book a while back. I think I blogged about this. I walked in on her and someone else talking about it and simply made a comment like "that sounds neat" and so she gave it to me. I didn't really want to read it. I really had a bit of a gut feeling that I wouldn't like it. But, I felt obligated and eventually did read it. There were parts of it that hit me badly, just because of my own experiences. In general, I didn't find it well written and there were other things that bothered me about how it approached a lot of the subject matter.
When I returned the book, I managed to thank her graciously and not say too much about hers and the other woman's gushing about how great it was. Of course, for me, this was all one big awkward situation I had to blog about in order to handle :)
It turns out that this lady has a whole library of these types of books and she seems to LOVE lending them to people. This, in theory, is a fun idea. She insisted on lending me more books. I didn't know how to decline. When she forgot the next day, I was a bit relieved and didn't say anything. But, later in the week, she left them in my cupboard with a note (she's only here part time so I don't see her regularly). I took them home and had them for a long time. I ignored them. I looked at them. I just didn't want to read them and it was becoming more on principle at this point.
One weekend, I was a bit bored and felt like reading SOMETHING, so I got out one of her books and read through the first chapter. If I was in a better mood or if it was a different time of year or my circumstances were different, I probably would have had fun reading this. But, I just couldn't get into it. Eventually, she asked if I'd had a chance to read them yet. I played it off, "oh, I was just thinking I need to get those back to you." I forgot to bring them the next day and wasn't quite sure what I would say when she asked how I liked them anyway. This awkward situation was getting painful! But, she was going to be gone the rest of the week so she told me to leave them in her cupboard and she'd get them on Saturday. In the meantime, she'd already brought me the next book in the series!
Yikes! I suppose my "lies" were catching up to me, although, I don't think I actually lied, I just tried to avoid the conversation. So, when I returned the first two books, I brought the next one back and left her a note saying we'd been rearranging our house (not a complete lie) and I was afraid I'd lose it so I'd just get with her later about borrowing it. I hoped this would defer the situation and life would go on.
Well, it's been a couple weeks and today, perhaps just making conversation, she asked me about rearranging furniture etc.
This is getting really awkward. Why is she so insistent that I borrow the book? Should I just borrow it and pretend to read it again? I think the series is one of those where you don't really have to read the one before so maybe I could just read it and figure out how to tell her no for the next one?
I'm so silly really. But, I just don't feel like reading these particular types of books right now and I'm so afraid of hurting someone's feelings I don't know what to do!

Gimme a break! (mmm, kit kats)

2008-09-26T13:44:00.002-07:00

I've listened to the Christian radio station a bit more again lately. For a few days I seemed to click on it at the same time during my drive to work and they were playing the same clip from a previous show.
The morning DJs are a married couple who I think adopted a daughter somewhat recently. They've had the little girl on there before talking about her toys or whatever. Well, now it's time for the little girl to go to pre-school (maybe it's kindergarten, but I think only pre-school). The clip starts with the dad saying something like "That's it! Just take her out of school right now!" in his smooth, calm voice. Then it has the mom on the phone saying "I just dropped her off for school and as she's walking up the stairs and some little boy comes up and says hi and they hold hands and walk in together!" in her squeaky, pretend freak out voice. The parents, apparently, are appalled but kind of in an isn't that cute way.
This drives me nuts!!! Okay, the kids are in pre-school, so holding hands is something they probably do all the time- with mom and dad, siblings, teachers and nannies, and their friends. It's NOT a sign or symptom of immorality. Secondly, even if the kids are like "this is my boyfriend" or have that way of thinking, holding hands is SO innocent. If it's not, I'm pretty sure it's the parents' fault for letting the kid know there is any more than that out there. Kids just don't have those hormones etc. driving their behavior. Even "playing naughty," I think, is pretty innocently and curiously driven and should be handled with care.
As I thought about this and how much it bugged me (as I said, I had to hear it for a few days in a row) I remembered when I was in 3rd grade, one day I spent the afternoon talking to and working with a kid on something. For this reason alone, I decided he was cute so I asked him to be my boyfriend. He said he had to ask his mom. This was probably a Friday because I remember it being a few days before he told me he wasn't allowed to have a girlfriend and by that point, I didn't even really care. As a grown up, I think it's kind of silly that the mom would care. I also understand the mom's need to teach the kid what is right etc. I'm just saying, it really was harmless.
I had a friend in college who had a 2 year old daughter. The daughter had a tank top she loved to wear. The mom, hoping to instill modesty in her daughter from the beginning, wouldn't let her wear it without a shirt underneath it. Again, I get it, but also again, it seems pretty silly to me. She's two! She probably still has to have help going to the bathroom. I think the modesty thing will come in time.
Another time on the radio station they had the little girl on the show talking about her dolls. They're some kind of Christian faith dolls that come with story books about values. As they talked about them incessantly, they sounded like the "righteous" version of the American Girl dolls my sister had when she was little. I think the American Girl dolls are beautiful and high quality. Each one is a character based at a certain time in history and her books tell stories to teach kids what was going on at that time period- slavery, the Great Depression, etc.
The radio station seemed to refer to the "other" dolls, the "secular" dolls as if they were sub par. The Christian dolls were so much better because they focus on things that really matter. Okay great, but doesn't history and society and education matter too?

Complain complain

2008-09-24T10:19:00.003-07:00

If I don't complain, you won't know it's hard or appreciate what I'm doing or be willing to help me. I'll just go along doing what I do, struggling inside, with everyone oblivious to what I feel. In a way, complaining is my way of sticking up for myself. Not for glory/recognition, but so that I won't get lost and taken for granted and forgotten.

Lately, I've been noticing how much Jeff's mom does for him and his brother (and by extension me and his brother's family). She keeps giving and being there and going and going. I think this says a lot about her as a person and as a mother. As a mother, you want to give all you can and help your children. I think as women we naturally try to keep people from hurting, needing, even wanting. It's part of our nurturing. But my concern lately is that all she does goes unappreciated and starts to be expected.

If mom takes care of everything, you don't learn to take care of yourself.
If mom takes care of everything, you might not appreciate your spouse because you think it's just how things get done. You don't realize that it's hard to come home from work and cook the dinner or take care of the dog. You don't know that it's not fun to clean the toilet and do the laundry. You don't know that it's a gift or an acknowledgement of you when your spouse stays up playing games with you rather than crashing into bed of exhaustion.

It goes both ways. Do I appreciate you and all you do and give and are?

I'm determined to be strong and brave. I am determined that I won't eat a lot and be fat, lazy and ornery just "because I can," I have an excuse now. But that is getting harder everyday.

I don't want to be crude, but this is the best example I have to try to make my point. Perhaps I'll delete it after typing it. When I hit puberty, my biggest fear was anyone knowing when I was dealing with girly stuff. A bigger fear than that was getting married and not only sharing a room with someone, but a bed with someone you want to cuddle and snuggle with. To my surprise and happiness, it has not been a big deal at all.
That said, there are times when I've felt just gross and disgusting and like "stay away from me." I've realized in some of those moments, I'm insisting on feeling that way because really I hope that he'll hug me and tell me he loves me and wants to hold me anyway. I've also realized that it's my insistence, not his grossed out-ness, that keeps that from happening. One day it dawned on me that he's a boy. He has no way to relate to what's happening to me. It's up to ME to tell HIM that it's normal and fine and not gross or anything to be afraid of. This is hard for me to do.

It's hard for me to tell him that I've had a hard day at work and I need something.
It's hard for me to tell him I need help with all my "housewife" duties when I have to do them on top of working etc. And it's not that he takes it for granted, but my point is, I"m teaching him this is my job and "mom/wife" takes care of everything and I'm fine, even when I'm not.
And now, feeling the way I do and facing something completely new and scary and hard, I'm so insistent with myself that I will be strong and not bother him with emotional outbursts and being sick and tired, that again, I'm teaching him that this is how a woman should be treated. This is how I should be treated... like everything is fine and I can do it ALL.

Autumn

2008-09-22T15:33:00.001-07:00

Today is the first day of Autumn, according to my calendar at work. It was gray and rainy and cold this morning. I even wore a jacket to work. Isn't it great!?

Friday

2008-09-19T08:55:00.002-07:00

Probably as soon as I get logged in, I'll get really busy- I am at work. I honestly don't like it when my last post was a complaining post (I know there are lots!) and it's the most recent post for more than a day or two.
So, just thought I would let you know that this week is going much better. Monday was rough and I honestly wondered how I would survive this. But Tuesday was slow and I was able to get A LOT of work done and felt caught up to myself. This has made the rest of the week so much better. I'm expecting today to be busy, but at 10 a.m., I am just waiting for everyone to arrive at the 10:30 deadline. My morning stuff went really fast today. Yay! Gives me a minute to check out blogs etc before the rush comes.
I don't have much to say I guess. Just trying to have my latest post be a more positive one. I do have another "blog" I'm thinking of opening up. Up to now, I've used it more as a journal. It seems like now may be a good time to "make it public" to my oh so large fan base :) Not that it's that interesting. But, another insight into fabulous me :)
Hahahahahahaha

What's the title of my blog?

2008-09-12T18:19:00.003-07:00

When Jeff lost his job, I was excited to have him home at night. For the first couple weeks, he managed to get on my schedule- he was up during the day and slept at night. But, he kept staying up later and later until eventually he was back to his graveyard schedule. He'd stay up all night and sleep while I was at work, but at least he was up with me in the evenings. He just keeps rotating though. The last couple days he's on a sleep from 1 in the afternoon until whenever and then stay up all night and all day. Today is Friday. He's asleep and I feel lonely. Am I too understanding and not demanding enough? Perhaps.

It's been a really rough week. We have a solicitor that has been giving out gift cards with his orders- not just him, but his whole group of reps. This is okay, we have solicitors that do that, it's part of their sale. But this one didn't know that it had to be approved and regulated by the big boss guy. Basically the big boss guy has to include the amount of the gift card in the price of the order (you can't get nuttin' fur free!) for auditing purposes. This particular solicitor group brings in anywhere from 150 to 300 orders each week. Because of this problem, when it comes to auditing, none of these orders for at least the last three months can be counted as actual circulation which is so important because circulation is how they charge the advertisers which is the real way a newspaper makes any money. (Just to give you an idea, the solicitors are paid up to $40 per order and the customer usually is paying at most $27- it's not the customers' purchases that profit the paper!). This has made a big mess for my job. I've had to come up with all new codes to track orders from here on out, communicate it to my people who actually enter the starts in our system and try to make it as painless for them as possible. I've had to go back through his most recent orders and recalculate everything. And today, in order to fix this problem, my boss brought out 600 orders she'd pulled from our system to have us re-do them in order to make good for the audit. It wasn't too bad a process since they were all in the system already and we just had to change them, but a lot of extra work. Not to mention, EVERYONE was late turning their stuff in today, so what would have been a reasonable load was overwhelming as we pushed for deadline.

I of course have been stressed with bills this week as well- it's payday week and my payday doesn't cover much. I'm a high stress person when it comes to this anyway. I worry so much over it all. This week, I've been especially self critical. I wonder what I'm doing wasting myself at a clerical job that doesn't even require a college degree that I know of (admittedly, I've had raises and more responsibility given to me because I'm a smart person, but it's not what I went to college for). I wonder how I could be so stupid to have so much debt that Jeff losing his job has driven us into such dire circumstances. I'm disheartened greatly because I lived my life to be debt free, well educated, and have a simple life. My only dream, the only aspiration that is immovable in my mind, is to have babies and be home with my children. Now, it all feels just sucked away from me.

What started as a good note, we spent three evenings this week at ITT Tech talking to someone about getting Jeff into school. He has decided to go into computer networking which I think would be a great field. The guy we've been talking to has been very positive and Jeff has actually been a bit excited and motivated about this. (At least I think so). One of the first things we told the guy was that we were concerned about funding it. Frankly, I think anyone loaning us money at this point would be really stupid on their part. But, the guy was very reassuring and there were all these options etc. Even better, we could defer payments and the loans that Jeff has now that we have a hard time paying would be deferred as well. It doesn't necessarily sound smart to me, but it does sound hopeful. It would give us a chance to pay off some credit cards and I think school is a worthwhile investment. It would fix some of our financial problems for now and give us a chance to catch up- or so we would hope.
Well, I was right. Anyone willing to lend us money would be stupid. The financial aid person didn't seem overly helpful. We would be able to get federal financial aid in the form of loans. (It really does scare me to take on more debt!). But it wouldn't cover all of it. And the one place that they go to for the rest of the loans doesn't want to give us any. I'm not sure what happened to the options the guy was talking about?! And we told him at the beginning that this would be the biggest obstacle and ultimately the deciding factor.
Jeff is very good about rolling with the punches. We'll just talk to the people (I had to call about the loan to find out so they didn't know it wasn't approved) and tell them we didn't get it and see if there's anything else we can do. If there are no other options, he won't go and we'll figure out what's next. Isn't that a great attitude!?!?!
I've spent today feeling like crap. I feel like our debt, our problems, are all my fault and I'm not good at this wife thing (why it's all my responsibility I'm not sure, but I don't even ask that question- I just feel it).
I did look up some things at the community college that would be much more affordable, if he feels like he could get the focus and attention he needs. Perhaps the federal loans would cover this? We haven't had a chance to look at or talk about them yet because he's sleeping.

Anyway, it's just been a really blah week. I'm really struggling. I want something so different for my life than where it feels like it's at. I just don't know how to get it. I really wish we could run away to Alaska and live in a small town, completely debt free. I'd settle even for a little house in Lake Point. I want my babies and to play house while Jeff goes to a job he loves that gives us enough to live on. I don't even ask for a lot that way.

They say if you visualize it, you can make it happen. They say put your intention out there and let it manifest itself - a trust in the universe type thing. They say God will provide, have faith. I think I believe these things. It's just hard to get to them when you literally feel the weight of the world sitting on your chest keeping you from breathing.

Playing with pics

2008-09-12T18:12:00.001-07:00

This is my back yard. We are on the bottom floor of our apartments. The bottom of our windows is ground level. I love the way that feels. Our windows are still plenty big and sunny. This is the yard we see out our bedroom windows.

2008-09-12T18:07:00.004-07:00

This is my dog Niobe (pronounced nie-o-bee but we usually call her no-bee or just puppy). She's neurotic. Seriously. Thus, she is afraid of the camera. I thought if I took her and it outside and took pictures of the trees, she'd see there was nothing to be afraid of. At least I hoped to sneak a good picture. This one came close, but she moved her head as soon as I pushed the button. Oh well. It's still pretty good for seeing what she looks like. You can kind of tell what a pretty face she has and that her body is normal size but her legs are short and stocky. I always think of her as a big wiener dog. She's actually a basset hound/beagle mix. Jeff calls her a bagel!

Thursday 4:20 p.m.

2008-09-11T15:19:00.003-07:00

I started a nice long complaining blog but of course was interrupted and I guess people think I work here!
It has been a crazy week. I started typing about some of the issues I've had just to try to clear my head and get a grasp on things. It got really boring. I just have had so many issues dealing with dishonest solicitors, people who don't care, people not following through with their job so I have to fix it all! I'm very tired and I really haven't felt well this week. Poor me hu?
It's finally time to go home. I think I'll cry, or maybe throw up. Just one more day and then I'm sleeping ALL weekend!

Almost a year and a half!

2008-09-07T13:34:00.005-07:00

I am so excited! I finally have been able to put some pics on my computer!
In honor of September 24th being our year and a half anniversary, I can finally post some pics from our honeymoon. Hehehe.
This was the fake scenery by the pool where we stayed. It's kind of blurry. I think the pic makes it look a lot bigger than it was. But still, it was pretty and we spent a lot of time in the pool because it was A LOT less crowded than the beach. A bit disappointing, but still great!

These are Jeff scuba diving in the ocean! We were able to do two dives. The first we were too busy getting set up to take pictures. The second, my ear hurt bad enough I didn't dare go down again- wimpy wimpy! But this allowed me to take pictures of Jeff. Pretty place eh?

A Woman's Place is...

2008-09-03T14:12:00.002-07:00

I have been trying to write a blog for over a week now. Kinda the same stuff I'm always talking about lately but trying to express it better. Emily's comment on my last post got me thinking about it again... it's something I've felt for a while.
Basically it comes down to, it's hard to work. It's hard to be somewhere for at least 8 hours a day that requires me to be strong, assertive, in charge, in control. I say that and feel very wimpy. Because Emily said it, it validated me. I think that working makes it hard to be a woman. I think sometimes that this place takes away from my femininity.
Now I'm going where I keep running into a wall. By saying this, I not only sound wimpy, but very very sexist. I like to argue that I majored in a hard science, a very male dominated field, so I can't be THAT sexist. I do believe that women should be educated and allowed to pursue any so called manly interest be it math, science, sports, mechanics, whatever. I'm just saying that it shouldn't be required of a woman to have to be hard and tough and strong.
Which brings up the next stumbling block to my posting. I wrote a whole long thing acknowledging all the strong, working mom's I know or have known. I really don't want to sound critical of anyone who has chosen to work or who has to work. But that's not really the point either.
I want to whine and complain about how hard it is to go to work and then go home and take care of everything on the home front. I only have me, Jeffrey and the dog! I want to insist that throwing a pregnancy and especially the baby on top of everything I'm doing is just too much for this damsel in distress. But it's not to complain. It's more like I think if I could solidify it in empirical evidence, the world would have to change in order to follow some grand design or directive.
But really all I'm trying to say, again, is when I think of having babies, I really want to be home to take care of them. That if we have this free agency and this feminist right to choose, then I'm going to choose to be home with them. I know I could be a better mom if I could focus on the children and not try to fit them in between work and... well, work. I want my feminine, God given qualities to flourish.

Well anyway, perhaps I will someday be able to write an eloquent and persuasive blog about this. But, kind of in the same regards, Jeff is still out of work. We are feeling desperate financially, but I don't really feel desperate yet because I feel like we haven't REALLY tried yet. It's like we're still figuring out what's next or something.
Jeff's brother came to see him yesterday and apparently his wife has a great job where she could really pull some strings. The job she could apparently get for Jeff isn't anything he'd want to do for the rest of his life. Honestly, I believe he could do better and hope he'd want to pursue more than a mundane job. But, it's good money and it would get us through for a while. He thought he would look into it.
It turns out, the only shifts they have available are swing shift- sometime between 2 in the afternoon and 10 o'clock at night, give or take a few hours. Jeff told his brother he can't do that. It's too hard on a marriage. His brother insisted that Jeff doesn't have kids to go home to and that the weekend is plenty of time to see the wife. Jeff insisted that he wouldn't put that strain on us and the weekend is not enough time if you actually like your wife.
I was very proud of him. Perhaps, financially speaking, he should take what he can get. But I am so glad to have a husband that cares about things like spending time with me and being there for each other at the end of the day. I think this also shows faith and courage. At some point, maybe soon, we may be desperate enough that he'll just have to take what he can get. But it shows he wants something more. It shows he cares about me. And I think it may have taken more strength to defend his beliefs to his brother than we might initially give him credit for. He'll say he doesn't care what his brother thinks, but it must be hard being a guy who doesn't drink, have tattoos, or sleep around when other guys think you're weak, boring, etc.

Sunday's Thoughts

2008-08-20T17:26:00.003-07:00

There is a member of our family who is very needy. Sometimes it's hard to give to her because we feel like she expects too much and/or manipulates things. But, she is a good hearted, kind person.
I've been reading the Bible and Jesus didn't say love your neighbor only if they are lovable. He didn't say give charity only if it's convenient and the other person really deserves it. In fact, he said the opposite. He said not only to love our neighbors but to love our enemy. He said when someone asks a mile, "go with them twain." Even if you're sued in a court of law (which to me sounds pretty confrontational) and someone takes your coat, give them your cloak also. (Matthew 5:38-48)

It seems to me, we do a lot of explaining and justifying of ourselves. As with my family member, we think she needs tough love or doesn't deserve our compassion because she hasn't done enough to help herself. I'm not saying we should be taken advantage of or neglect ourselves, but I am saying we need to think more about it and give more charity and act in more faith.

I think our religion is one that teaches goals, hard work and independence. In a general sense, I think our American culture is based on the idea that God helps those who help themselves. I've heard it explained as a Puritan ideal- work hard and earn your blessings to prove that you are favored of God.
But again, this is not what the Bible says.
Perhaps it's just whats on my mind lately but I am really amazed as I read how unwordly Jesus' message is. I've aways know that but as I try to apply it to my life where I'm at now? I understand why he would address us as "ye of little faith."
As we try to come terms with his teaching, we justify and explain it all away. We are told to keep the sabbath day holy, but how many of us think it's okay to get called in to work or take the shift because we have to provide for our families? I'm not judging because we do what we have to do. I'm just trying to point out that when it really comes down to it, acting on faith is harder than what we were taught in primary.
"But seek ye first the kingdom of God and his righteousness and all these things shall be added unto you."
I believe the kingdom of God is our own home and families. This of course easily extends to helping our neighbors, doing missionary work, serving in the church, even acting with integrity at our jobs. But I think that his KINGDOM is in our homes.
As a woman, to seek first the kingdom of God means I will make a home that is happy, spiritual, uplifting. I will care for and support my husband, recognizing the different roles, characteristics, and needs men and women have. I will have children and teach them all that I know and help them to have confidence and courage and to be good, honest people.
If I focus on these things, if I seek them first- as in the forefront of my mind, heart, and actions, I will need not "take thought for the morrow: for the morrow shall take thought for the things of itself.
For your heavenly Father knoweth that ye have need of all these things.
If God so clothe the grass of the field... shall he not much more clothe you, O ye of little faith?"
(Matthew 6:24-34)

So, as the bills pile up and money is something we just don't have, my Puritan genes tell me I must work harder, that I'm shirking my duties and before I'm even pregnant with my first baby, I feel doomed. Healthy meals get set aside for convenience. Family prayer, dinner, even playtime for the dog get interrupted and neglected because I'm too tired. I sometimes even feel disconnected from my home and it's just a place I go after work.
But what I need to do is focus more on these things. Seek them first and have faith. Not work more for money and bills. Seek the baby first and have faith that God will provide.
Work for the kingdom of God.

Filters

2008-08-14T12:51:00.003-07:00

What a week this has been!
I'm sitting here now, just stealing a minute to clear my head and catch my breath. Phewf! I'm too tired and emotionally drained to read any real news, so I clicked onto something on the MNS webpage. Can't even remember what or why. Anyway, I was reading some article about relationships and looking at the other articles it had linked on the page. Phooey! What a bunch of crap. I wondered why we think any of these people really know anything? Then I realized how easily I filter some things but other things just kinda stick in my head. There are some people who I give no credence to at all! If they were to give me advice or even if I just over heard their opinions on certain topics, I wouldn't give it a care in the world, unless of course it was to think how off the mark they are or realize what a different world they live in. But then I'll read the same kind of thing in a magazine written by some "expert" and think the world is falling apart. I better watch my thoughts more closely. It's funny how every once in a while I have to remind myself that you can't believe everything you read. And even if you do and even if it's true, it doesn't mean it has to be part of your world. Just toss it out with the trash.

Not SO negative Nancy

2008-08-13T14:04:00.003-07:00

Monday was a busier Monday than I've had in a while, and that's saying a lot. Tuesday and Wednesday haven't slowed down much either. I feel at any given moment that there are a million things I'm doing and supposed to keep track of. I don't like that feeling. It makes me not like what I'm doing and get mad at my job and wonder what the point is.
I tried on Monday to be constructive about my criticism and have a good attitude. My thoughts and attitude really do make a difference and, even though it's hard, I'm learning to control them at least a little.
Through Monday and into Tuesday, when I found myself feeling like "I hate my job," I tried to ask myself what it is I don't like. When I felt like I was so stressed I could cry or scream, I realized I didn't have to feel that way. It is just a job and it's not worth getting so frazzled over. This helped. I thought that maybe if I could identify real things I don't like, not just say I'm stressed and crazy, I would be able to change it, fix it, or at least ask for help.

1. I don't like the feeling of stress and feeling like there is more to do than I can get done. I am a very responsible person and I take it seriously when I have a job to do. I don't always like that feeling. Monday, there was TOO much to do.
2. A lot of people have needed my help this week. I like helping people. I also have a hard time saying no or setting limits. I feel like people were asking things of me that are not my job and other people were asking me things that they should be able to do by themself. I don't like feeling like I'm doing it because someone else is too lazy or, frankly, dumb to do it themself. I don't like feeling like if I don't do it, it's not going to get done.
3. Kind of the same thing, but I really don't like feeling unrecognized and unappreciated. I don't like it when I'm going out of my way and really doing more than my share to help someone and they treat me like they just expect it. When I'm running myself ragged to help them and they don't even realize it. Is this pride? I kind of don't like that I feel this way. It's like I want recognition or something and I don't think (or want to think) that's why I do things. But, sometimes, I really feel like no one has any clue how much work I'm doing and that's very frustrating and overwhelming and lonely.

So, it is a bit constructive to try to logicate (hahaha- great word!) these feelings. I can see that what I don't like isn't coming so much from this particular job, but in how I look at and respond to things. Any job would probably be the same. That helps.
It also makes me think of things I could use help with or make some changes with. At least there is action in that thought rather than just being overwhelmed by emotion, legitimate as it may be.

Important Discoveries

2008-08-06T18:50:00.003-07:00

This moment is as it should be because the universe is as it should be,
Which means I am able to create a response
With no need to defend myself
And my desires will bloom.

A fish doesn't try to swim, it just swims.
A flower doesn't try to bloom, it just blooms.

I have been studying a book mom loaned me by Deepak Chopra. As far as I know, it is an eastern almost Taoist or Buddhist way of thinking. It presents 7 laws for success. I have been trying to focus on one each week. This week's lesson I have summarized for myself above.
When you are established in the knowledge of your true self, you can just be, like the fish and flowers.

As I read and wrote tonight, it all felt so clear. I am not here by accident. Everything in my life has led up to this and it's as it should be because the universe is as it should be. If that is true, it doesn't matter what my past is, I am responsible (able to respond- how's that for a definition!?) to create my future.

Last Sunday I went to church with Mom and Dad. A woman I knew there asked if I was still teaching at the college. When I explained what had happened and that I was no longer there, she asked if I miss it. I said yes and that I sometimes think about getting my teaching license so I could be a teacher at high school or junior high. She is a teacher, turns out in elementary, and simply said "well, come spend a day with me first" then explained that she puts in 60 hours a week then goes home and does homework and is looking forward to retirement. Somehow talking to her felt like one of the answers I went for. I even felt a certain relief as if someone was giving me permission to not want that anymore.
A day or two later, I read in the paper about the teacher shortage here. It was online so I was also able to read reader's comments and a few actually sounded intelligent. I wondered, if someone offered me to walk in a classroom and be a teacher at the end of August if I would take it. No. Perhaps that's more of a fear response and a feeling of not being prepared. But I think, at least for this week, I've found something.
Tonight as I pondered my reading, I realized something. I decided to be a mathematician, not a teacher, when I started college. I have already made that decision. I don't need to make it again now or every time I get bored or confused or want to do more with my life. I decided to be a mathematician. Now, let that decision bloom.

Marriage

2008-08-06T13:56:00.003-07:00

I drove home yesterday thinking about marriage and things people at work had to say yesterday. Jeff and I have been married for almost a year and a half already. That means we've been together everyday for almost two and a half years. I really do feel like it just keeps getting better... debt, job loss, and all. We've had a few pretty big fights. I've wondered, and I'm pretty sure he has too, if this is even gonna work or if we did the right thing. I know we've both said things that hurt each other. But over all, I love being married. I love going home and having him there. I love that he calls me during the day, sometimes just to tell me about the game he's playing. I love that when he was working grave yards he wanted me to call him as soon as I woke up; I even love that he sometimes couldn't wait to talk to me and would call me earlier than I wanted to wake up. I love being home with him and just going to the movie rental store. I love his smile and the way he holds me. He really is my best friend and, even though I felt like we were friends before lovers, I feel like the best friend thing has grown over time.
I can't imagine ever feeling, as in a general sense of being and not just having a bad day, that marriage is negative or that we generally annoy each other or that I could stand with people and actually make jokes about this and tell a newly wed to just wait, it'll get worse. Perhaps that's my naiviety? Maybe it's because I haven't reached that 3, 5 or 7 year mark?
But I was thinking as I drove home yesterday and it seems like the people who make the jokes and say negative things don't have that friendship thing. They have friends and they have a husband and sometimes they all socialize, but the spouse seems to be... like a separate thing. It kind of makes me think of friends in high school when the boyfriend just played a particular role. Did some people just never get past that? You know how some girls say they'd never let a guy come between them and their gal pals? Maybe it's not nice of me, but I never bought that. I thought "but when you find the right guy, the guy you're going to build your life with, he's got to come before the silly girlfriends and girl's night etc."
Jeff's the one I want to talk to about things. He's the one I want advice from, even when it's advice about "our relationship." I feel like if I can't talk to him about it, I probably shouldn't be talking about it. Not that I don't want and need other people's perspective sometimes or even to just blow off steam. But...
I guess I'm just saying I feel very connected to this person and the more time goes on, the more connected I feel. It's like I've given myself completely to this person and I feel totally comfortable with him only to wake up the next day and feel like I have more to give and share and things are even more comfortable and close. And if that's the way it's going, how can it ever turn into something you joke about at the office?
This gives me hope. I hope it's the friendship we have, the closeness we share, that will continue to grow and keep us strong and happy.